"Sometimes a bit of confusion is a good thing!"

For the record, I'm not exactly confused anymore. Well, not really anyway. However, I know that I am confusING, especially to a certain member of the male species. And he has every right to be confused -- I "broke up" with him, but in the past week (starting three days after I broke up with him) we've talked every day (like normal), went on a random road trip to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass, and had a great weekend of spontaneous adventures this weekend.

The thing is, I know I care about him, but I don't think I was ready for the way he cared about me or the way I might care about him. I need this to be light, no pressure, no intensity. That may not be fair to him, but I'm sick of emotionally intense relationships where I get so caught up in the intensity and emotion that I squeeze it to death, plan to death, analyze too much, and basically it just falls to pieces.

This feels like when I started dating my first boyfriend -- we hung out as friends, with those "potential feelings" simmering just below the surface, and then after our first kiss (nearly 2 months after our first "date" and two weeks after our more official yet still unofficial "first date") we said we were dating but still didn't necessarily refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend for a little bit.

The difference is, the way I care about Sully is a way I have never cared about anyone else before in my life. I know that sounds crazy and if that's the case, why don't I want to just go ahead and "officially" date him or jump into a relationship? I think it's because I'm scared. I am scared to care like that, and after all my previous relationships since John have been too emotionally intense, too physical, and have ended in friendships either being drastically changed or lost, I am scared to get involved in that with Sully.

I ask myself, "Am I even attracted to him? Why is it I think I care about him like I do?" The answers are this: Attraction comes in different forms. Up until this weekend I couldn't say that yes his looks are what initially attracted me, but the more I get to know him personally the more it enhances his physical "attractiveness" -- I got philosophical with myself this weekend... "What is attraction or attractiveness anyway?" I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, the old cliche is true -- "What makes a person attractive is who they are inside." And Sully is very attractive from the inside out -- I don't know how I never noticed it before.

I am so excited to continue whatever it is that's going on between us -- I'm just glad it's low-key and we aren't being overanalytical or intense about. We are simply enjoying each other's company and conversation, and we are having our Chicago adventures, and someday maybe we'll kiss again and start on the road to a relationship. But right now, we're just good friends hanging out, the possibility of more simmering just below the surface, and confusion not being a bad thing at all.

I love random road trips!

I'm so excited -- I'm going to Milwaukee tonight!

What better way for two friends who met as fellow Retreat Leaders, were prayer partners, and spent nearly every Tuesday of their senior year of college meeting up and talking before celebrating Tuesday night Mass with friends to reconnect and enjoy each other's company after a major shift in their friendship/relationship than to head back up to that city, that college, that Tuesday night tradition?

Yep, me and Sully are road tripping to Milwaukee for Tuesday Night Mass and Joan of Arc. We'll have the whole 3 hour car ride (1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back) to talk and do our usual catch-up conversation, and then we'll get to celebrate our favorite Mass of all time.

I cannot wait -- I'm so excited. I love spontaneous adventures!

I'm going to Milwaukee tonight! :)

Changes

Have you ever had one of those weeks/weekends where you felt like you couldn't do anything right?

Well, I don't feel quite THAT distraught, but I will say that this past weekend pretty much sucked. After I broke up with Sully Thursday, I called Dan bawling my eyes out. It's nice to know that even my engaged friends can be supportive -- especially for a guy! :)

Friday I was pretty much in the same fog I had been in all day Thursday, but luckily I didn't have to work at the school. I attended a conference at Loyola University about fundraising instead. It was very informative, but I didn't network the way I probably should have. Oh well, I did my best.

Of course, when I left, it was raining, and by the time I got home it was raining harder. I quickly changed and grabbed a snack, then went to meet Clare & Christy. My umbrella broke and I was SOAKED by the time I saw them. Clare seemed only sort of happy to see me, and things with Christy were the usual superficial pleasantries. Clare & I met up with Nicole, and we headed to Tinley Park. We met up with her friend Beth & went to a movie ("Stranger than Fiction" -- great movie!). I was abnormally quiet and subdued, but I'd had a rough emotional week so far, and I wasn't quite recovered.

Saturday was the day-long retreat through Charis Ministries (young adult retreat ministry group through the Chicago Province of the Jesuits). It was exactly what I needed, minus the fact that it was me/Nicole "versus" Suzette, Christy & Clare. Clare was much more excited to see Suzette (whom she had just seen last week) than she was to see me (whom she hadn't seen since June). I cared, but I knew they were not able to understand or be supportive of my mood -- hell, Suzette hadn't called or emailed in 3 weeks and the email communication we DID have this week was short and snippy. They can have each other for all I care -- at least Nicole was aware and supportive. We didn't even have to talk about it -- she just knew and understood and offered comfort just by being there. Saturday night my phone continued to be stupid and I had to find Erica -- she hung out with me watching movies at my apartment when I know she probably would have rather been with Clare & Suz, but I thought they were all going out and was NOT in the mood. Apparently Clare & Suz stayed in but felt like they weren't welcomed/invited to my place so they didn't call. What a load of crap. I mean, I'm sure they felt that way and I'm sure that to some extent I sent off that vibe -- but did it occur to them to ASK me what was wrong? Did it occur to them that maybe something was going on and that's why I was in that mood? Did it occur to them that trying to coordinate schedules for two sets of friends and a retreat all in one weekend was hard and should NOT have been left totally up to me? Nope, none of that occured to them, and I end up looking like the bad guy.

Needless to say, I've cried a lot in the past 5 days. I got to school this morning and the big project I did last week was a mess -- there were huge translation issues and everyone sort of got a talking to about making sure that translations were accurate and done in a timely manner. Surprisingly, that didn't set me off (but it came close). However, even though things are getting better and I know that things are always rough the first year on a job, I am just not happy here and I am seriously considering looking for a new job come spring. We'll see how things continue to go, but I need a work environment that fits my personality and best utilizes/emphasizes my gifts and talents.

Things with Sully will be ok. Things with the GVVA girls? Who the hell knows -- and quite frankly, at this point I don't care. It's like Nicole & Patricia & Karen were freshman year -- they could only be so supportive and after that there was a superficial wall. Over the years, it developed so we could all support everything about each other and be there for each other. Perhaps someday Suz & Clare & Erica and I will reach that same level of being able to support no matter what and to understand/comfort even when it's too much drama. Until that happens, I'll just let them be and do their own thing, and I will be and do mine.

Back to work.

too many emotions

One thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. It has served us well as prayer partners, friends, and now potentially "more." Except that I'm not sure I can visualize or feel the "more" and that's what's so sad about the whole thing. I want to, I think, but right now I just don't feel it. And in the midst of that I get hit today with, "Oh my god, Stephanie got married." I just want to burst into tears. I think I have a lot of emotions still riding up inside me and I don't really have an outlet for it. It's also blocking out anything else I can or want to or was able to feel. Shit, Stephie's married! She is no longer just my best friend -- now she's Brian's wife. Wife takes on new meaning and status and power than "girlfriend" or even "fiancee." Now that they are joined, legally and spiritually and emotionally and physically, in that way, it's a whole new ballgame. And I'm scared of losing my Stephie. At the same time, I am trying to visualize this friendship with Sully becoming a romantic relationship. He obviously cares about me, and I'm not sure I care about him in that way. I opened my heart to it and thought there was a possibility for it to go that way, but so far it hasn't. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I'm just not sure how I feel about any of it! I can easily see myself single again, and when I ask myself whether I can see Sully and me as more than friends, my automatic reaction is no and if I ask myself if Sully and I can be just friends my automatic reaction is yes. But am I ready to give up trying to see if something else is there? I just don't want to hurt him, and I'm afraid that if I continue to "date" him knowing that I don't yet have strong feelings for him that it's going to hurt him worse in the long run.

At least I could tell him I wasn't sure how I was feeling. Like I said, one thing we've always been able to do is be honest with each other. I told him last night I was having a hard time seeing him as more than a friend and I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do, and that's why I told him. He seemed to take it ok, and in this morning's email he said that although he was taken aback and it wasn't the easiest thing to hear he did appreciate my candor. No matter what, we will always care about each other as friends. Sully would like to (or does) care about me as more, and although I'm leaning away from the "more" towards the "just friends" I haven't completely decided yet. I really need God's help and guidance in this. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anyone's friendship.

I hope that even if we are just friends we can still hang out and talk like usual. He'll still come with to Dan & Mal's wedding (I hope), and hopefully we can still hang out with his sister when she comes home for Christmas break. I really need your help here God. Tell me what to do, show me what's true and right.

I need good solid manual labor -- I'm going to help clean out the library today.