Last night I isolated myself. I slept, a LOT (depressed sleep), and cried some. I didn't interact with a single soul from 6:30 p.m. last evening until this morning. I haven't done that in YEARS, and even though it was self-pitying to some point, it was good in some respects too. I needed it, even if it wasn't the most healthy thing in the world. The positive side, besides catching up on sleep, was that I was able to read, and read things I needed to read that I've put off reading because I "haven't been in the mood" or "didn't have time." These included my "Reading God's Word" which has the daily Mass readings and C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" which I had started a while back and hadn't touched for several weeks.
As I was reading "The Screwtape Letters" the topic of bearing crosses came up. If you haven't read the book, it's a fiction story that consists of letters written by a senior "devil" who works for Satan writing to his nephew who is a "devil-in-training" (so to speak). Anyway, the letters are written from the devil's point of view, highlighting all the ways that this young protege should try to corrupt his "patient" (human, one of us). It gives insight into the ways that the human mind, heart, and body are tempted by things not of God, which is a good eye-opener. One of the topics was bearing crosses. I discovered, through reading this particular letter, that we tend to bear objects as crosses and not our feelings. For example, if I am stressed because I can't find a job, I shouldn't bear the "I can't find a job" as my cross. Instead I should bear the anxiety and worry I feel about not being able to currently find a job as my cross. If we bear our feelings as our cross, we are able to accept that they are just feelings but still give up the action and result to God's providence. "Even though I am worried and stressed and anxious about this, I know God has control over the outcome so I can bear my worry with a lighter heart." It's a good way to look at things, and to not heap the responsibility of finding all the answers to our life right now, in this instant, in human ways. Some things are not of human origin or human control. They just can't be! The more we accept that, the more at peace we will be. This is what I need to try and do. This is what I need to remember.
As I finished reading things I went back to an old daily meditation that I shared with my Let's Start ladies on our December Retreat. It said, "If you are going through something, and it's safe to say that we are all going through something at all times, do not let it hinder your inner peace. Hand it over to God and trust that he will take care of it for you and will help you through it. Rest. Be at peace, and be well." (Or something to that effect).
It was, is, and continues to be a good reminder to all of us, no matter where we are in our life, we need to just take a moment to be at rest with God, for only through him and through handing our life over to him will we "Be at peace, and be well."
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
"Exactly What They Are Supposed To Be Doing"
Today's Gospel tells about the Apostles and their willingness to preach, teach, and share the Good News about Jesus's life and resurrection no matter what the cost. They get thrown in jail, then an angel lets them out. The next day, they are teaching and preaching in the same spot they were arrested the first time. This time the authorities are scared and intimidated by THEIR inability to be intimidated. As Fr. Ed put it tonight, they didn't give up because they knew they were doing "Exactly what they were supposed to be doing." Jesus never stopped preaching, teaching, and sharing the Good News even when people talked about him, punished him, persecuted him, etc. He just kept right on going doing exactly what the Father had sent him to do. He knew it was his mission and he did it willingly, solely trusting in God's authority, love and protection.
This speaks to me today because I have no idea what "exactly I'm supposed to be doing." I'm in the middle of a crazy ass job search. I've pretty much halted the cold application process and am currently working on massive networking. I have contacted alumni from Marquette, professionals in the Chicago Young Nonprofit Professionals group, (same with Milwaukee if I ever hear back from them...), Kiwanians, old bosses/supervisors, and people that Jim & Geri know. I'm trying to get feedback and schedule conversations, because I know the more I get my name, face, and resume out there to people with a vested interest or at least common interest as me, I will eventually find the job that fits the desires of my heart, the job that fits God's plan for me, and the job that feels right and perfect and "exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing." Or it will at least come close for the time being. The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. PR, Marketing, Development? Schools, Education-related nonprofits, arts-related nonprofits, general nonprofits? Big organizations, small organizations, mid-sized organizations? I know I shouldn't stress so much about it but I'm a perfectionist in that I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough and I don't want to feel like I missed my opportunity. I want to do this right. I want to follow God's path for me, but I don't always have a lot a patience with waiting for God to reveal his plan in HIS time. I have serious issues with that, and with battling "letting go" with passivity. How do you "Let Go and Let God" while still actively searching out jobs the best you can? I have to learn to just do what I can and not try to control the outcomes so much. I can control the effort I put in, but I CAN'T CONTROL the outcomes. I need to learn, accept, and embrace that. But DAMN it's hard.
It doesn't help that other things are going on that are stressful. My 8th graders' musical is in 3 weeks and we still have scenes we haven't blocked and songs we don't know. Again, I can't control the outcome but it's hard being a perfectionist and having the years of arts experience I do to watch kids not make the most of their talent and potential and time! I want them to do well but you can't force them! My program director Geri is having a hysterectomy on Monday and will be out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they say). Besides the emotional and physical implications of such a major surgery (praying it's not cancer, the completely wiped out feeling she'll have, etc.), it's emotional because she has to miss our final retreat (her favorite retreat and the big closer of the year) and won't be around the house much at all for most of our last two months here. It's really sad :( I'm worried about her and I'm sad that our chats will be so limited.
It's beginning to really hit home that our service year is almost over. I've had such an amazing experience and have come to truly love my work, my kids, my women, my housemates, and my directors. I will be sad to leave them all, but of course having the not-always-high self confidence that I do, I worry about whether I'll be missed as much or even half as much as I'll miss them. I know the Let's Start ladies will miss me, and I think my kids will... I know Jim & Geri will, but who knows which housemates will. I am one of those people who needs that reassurance (for whatever reason -- maybe the years of failed friendships through freshman year of college and the current state of my high school relationships are the problem). It's just crazy to think that in two months, it'll all be over. Two months from Tuesday I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, either permanently or temporarily. I just wish I had a little bit more of my life under control, that so much of it wasn't quite so unpredictable or precarious right now.
I guess I'll just have to hang in there, pray HARD, and keep going with the program til the program leads to the next best thing. Amen.
This speaks to me today because I have no idea what "exactly I'm supposed to be doing." I'm in the middle of a crazy ass job search. I've pretty much halted the cold application process and am currently working on massive networking. I have contacted alumni from Marquette, professionals in the Chicago Young Nonprofit Professionals group, (same with Milwaukee if I ever hear back from them...), Kiwanians, old bosses/supervisors, and people that Jim & Geri know. I'm trying to get feedback and schedule conversations, because I know the more I get my name, face, and resume out there to people with a vested interest or at least common interest as me, I will eventually find the job that fits the desires of my heart, the job that fits God's plan for me, and the job that feels right and perfect and "exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing." Or it will at least come close for the time being. The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. PR, Marketing, Development? Schools, Education-related nonprofits, arts-related nonprofits, general nonprofits? Big organizations, small organizations, mid-sized organizations? I know I shouldn't stress so much about it but I'm a perfectionist in that I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough and I don't want to feel like I missed my opportunity. I want to do this right. I want to follow God's path for me, but I don't always have a lot a patience with waiting for God to reveal his plan in HIS time. I have serious issues with that, and with battling "letting go" with passivity. How do you "Let Go and Let God" while still actively searching out jobs the best you can? I have to learn to just do what I can and not try to control the outcomes so much. I can control the effort I put in, but I CAN'T CONTROL the outcomes. I need to learn, accept, and embrace that. But DAMN it's hard.
It doesn't help that other things are going on that are stressful. My 8th graders' musical is in 3 weeks and we still have scenes we haven't blocked and songs we don't know. Again, I can't control the outcome but it's hard being a perfectionist and having the years of arts experience I do to watch kids not make the most of their talent and potential and time! I want them to do well but you can't force them! My program director Geri is having a hysterectomy on Monday and will be out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they say). Besides the emotional and physical implications of such a major surgery (praying it's not cancer, the completely wiped out feeling she'll have, etc.), it's emotional because she has to miss our final retreat (her favorite retreat and the big closer of the year) and won't be around the house much at all for most of our last two months here. It's really sad :( I'm worried about her and I'm sad that our chats will be so limited.
It's beginning to really hit home that our service year is almost over. I've had such an amazing experience and have come to truly love my work, my kids, my women, my housemates, and my directors. I will be sad to leave them all, but of course having the not-always-high self confidence that I do, I worry about whether I'll be missed as much or even half as much as I'll miss them. I know the Let's Start ladies will miss me, and I think my kids will... I know Jim & Geri will, but who knows which housemates will. I am one of those people who needs that reassurance (for whatever reason -- maybe the years of failed friendships through freshman year of college and the current state of my high school relationships are the problem). It's just crazy to think that in two months, it'll all be over. Two months from Tuesday I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, either permanently or temporarily. I just wish I had a little bit more of my life under control, that so much of it wasn't quite so unpredictable or precarious right now.
I guess I'll just have to hang in there, pray HARD, and keep going with the program til the program leads to the next best thing. Amen.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Thank God It's April
Finally, a month I can be happy about! March was just nutty and stressful. I'm not sure if April will be less crazy or stressful, but for some reason April brings me a sense of hope, enthusiasm and energy. I feel like even if bad things happen, they won't get me as down in April as they would in other months. April is a month of blessings and new beginnings. April is a HAPPY month! It always has been for me, so I can act accordingly. :)
Today I will experience the joy of rummage sales. I know it's amazing and fun to find treasures in rummage sales or thrift stores for cents or dollars apiece. However, even with that joy and fun, I am really looking forward to a day when I have a larger disposable income than $100 per month, so I can actually go clothes shopping at real stores every now and then. I'm not incredibly materialistic, but some days it would be nice to go to a real store and get my own new clothes that have never been used by anyone else. This is one way in which I truly live in solidarity with the poor, because they RELY on things like rummage sales and thrift stores and hand-outs for their entire wardrobes! I can definitely understand how they get sick and tired of it and of living in that cycle. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or selfish or whatever, but if I am, one day, able to live in a way that allows me to purchase new clothes or other things, I will not feel guilty doing that. At the same time, I know that this year of simple living and living in solidarity with the poor WILL help me not to purchase the EXTRA nonsense that people so often do when they don't really need it. I think I will be much more aware of my purchases -- "Do I actually need this?" " Will I actually use this?" "If in a year I'm not using it, will I throw or give it away?" I know this year of simplicity will affect my life in that way, though not in the way of NOT purchasing anything new.
Lent has been a journey. I fell off the wagon a bit this past week and am trying my darnedest to get back on. The only promise I have kept 100% is the one dedicated to my mom, who celebrated 15 years of sobriety on St. Patrick's Day. I don't like feeling out of control and I need to get back to that sense of power over my eating habits. Every now and then it becomes a struggle and I really can't seem to stop eating stuff I shouldn't or eating more than I should. But I have willpower and that allows me to get back to the true path. God helps those who help themselves, but he also catches us if we fall, picks us up when we fall down, and supports us in everything we do. His immense love for us and his undying mercy and forgiveness are what keep us hopeful, alive, and successful. If we let his light work through our lives. These are the things I am focusing on this Lent and trying to make a greater part of my life.
Yesterday was the First Communion retreat with my second graders. We spent time learning about the Eucharist, the Mass, and the various stories involving the Body & Blood of Jesus Christ. They retained a lot of it and seemed to really enjoy themselves. We wrote love letters to Jesus and they were so serious while they were writing and the few I glanced at were so precious. They love Jesus, and at that age I am glad they do and I pray that they can love him for the rest of their lives. I still remember my second grade teacher telling us that when we walk down the aisle towards Holy Communion, we can say with each step "I love you Jesus" or "I know you love me Jesus." I still to this day remember that and sometimes do that, and that was 15 years ago that I made my First Communion. Some things will always stick with us. I wonder what will stick with these second graders 15 years down the line when they are reflecting back on their childhood.
Next weekend my mom and John will be here. I am extremely excited to see them, especially my mom. I am so grateful and blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her. I love her soooo much. I can't wait to share my St. Louis experience with them. Before they get here though, I have two phone interviews (Groves Academy - Minnesota, and San Miguel Schools - Chicago). I will also be talking with a Marquette alumnus who works at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to pick his brain about how to start a career in the Chicago arts scene. It will be a busy but wonderful week -- please keep me in your prayers!
Today I will experience the joy of rummage sales. I know it's amazing and fun to find treasures in rummage sales or thrift stores for cents or dollars apiece. However, even with that joy and fun, I am really looking forward to a day when I have a larger disposable income than $100 per month, so I can actually go clothes shopping at real stores every now and then. I'm not incredibly materialistic, but some days it would be nice to go to a real store and get my own new clothes that have never been used by anyone else. This is one way in which I truly live in solidarity with the poor, because they RELY on things like rummage sales and thrift stores and hand-outs for their entire wardrobes! I can definitely understand how they get sick and tired of it and of living in that cycle. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or selfish or whatever, but if I am, one day, able to live in a way that allows me to purchase new clothes or other things, I will not feel guilty doing that. At the same time, I know that this year of simple living and living in solidarity with the poor WILL help me not to purchase the EXTRA nonsense that people so often do when they don't really need it. I think I will be much more aware of my purchases -- "Do I actually need this?" " Will I actually use this?" "If in a year I'm not using it, will I throw or give it away?" I know this year of simplicity will affect my life in that way, though not in the way of NOT purchasing anything new.
Lent has been a journey. I fell off the wagon a bit this past week and am trying my darnedest to get back on. The only promise I have kept 100% is the one dedicated to my mom, who celebrated 15 years of sobriety on St. Patrick's Day. I don't like feeling out of control and I need to get back to that sense of power over my eating habits. Every now and then it becomes a struggle and I really can't seem to stop eating stuff I shouldn't or eating more than I should. But I have willpower and that allows me to get back to the true path. God helps those who help themselves, but he also catches us if we fall, picks us up when we fall down, and supports us in everything we do. His immense love for us and his undying mercy and forgiveness are what keep us hopeful, alive, and successful. If we let his light work through our lives. These are the things I am focusing on this Lent and trying to make a greater part of my life.
Yesterday was the First Communion retreat with my second graders. We spent time learning about the Eucharist, the Mass, and the various stories involving the Body & Blood of Jesus Christ. They retained a lot of it and seemed to really enjoy themselves. We wrote love letters to Jesus and they were so serious while they were writing and the few I glanced at were so precious. They love Jesus, and at that age I am glad they do and I pray that they can love him for the rest of their lives. I still remember my second grade teacher telling us that when we walk down the aisle towards Holy Communion, we can say with each step "I love you Jesus" or "I know you love me Jesus." I still to this day remember that and sometimes do that, and that was 15 years ago that I made my First Communion. Some things will always stick with us. I wonder what will stick with these second graders 15 years down the line when they are reflecting back on their childhood.
Next weekend my mom and John will be here. I am extremely excited to see them, especially my mom. I am so grateful and blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her. I love her soooo much. I can't wait to share my St. Louis experience with them. Before they get here though, I have two phone interviews (Groves Academy - Minnesota, and San Miguel Schools - Chicago). I will also be talking with a Marquette alumnus who works at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to pick his brain about how to start a career in the Chicago arts scene. It will be a busy but wonderful week -- please keep me in your prayers!
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