Oooh Boy. Just when you think you've got one set of demons somewhat dealt with, a whole new batch of them comes wailing down the pipes. "Hello! Yoohoo! Over here! Did you forget about me? Just wanted to make sure you knew I was still around."
God almighty. I did not see this coming. I literally hadn't felt so awful in years, at least three years to be exact. All the old feelings of not being good enough came roaring up out of nowhere. I had the most amazing weekend, feeling beautiful, sexy, confident, happy, fun-loving, making close connections with girlfriends, strengthening my spirituality, feeling so good. SO GOOD. And out of freaking NOWHERE comes this torrent of negative self-defeating nasty ugly awful thoughts. Obsession. Constant looking outside of myself to feel better. LIES LIES LIES.
The good thing is, I know it's all crap. Those feelings and thoughts no longer fit who I am. They are currently making an attempt on my life, my progress, my recovery, my beautiful loving kind generous creative articulate kind fun-loving nature. But they are not going to win. HELL NO. Because this time, this time I have tools. I have the love of a God my understanding who cares about me, has a plan for me, sees me as I really am and accepts me unconditionally. I have friends in program I can call, text, or email when I'm having a bad day or feeling this way. I have a sponsor who is there for me, who listens, who can challenge me and support me in this whole recovery process. I have tricks and tools and I am going to kick this negativity's ass.
My sponsor tells me that this program is about tearing down the ego and getting rid of our fears. But the ego does not give up without a fight. It gets scared, scared of change, scared of not being in control, scared of freedom to live life on life's terms and scared of being loved. She said that these feelings are appropriate to where I'm at in the steps and in recovery... I'm on my 8th step, writing down the people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Harder than the 4th step, because now I have to actually admit my character defects. I have to actually write how I was arrogant, judgmental, controlling, rigid, jealous, etc. And I know the next step is admitting it out loud, and apologizing directly for some of those things. So instead of turning my trust over to God and surrendering to his will and believing in his love, I turn to obsession and fear and control and self-will.
The feelings aren't going away easily, and I don't like the way they're manifesting themselves (especially the obsession). But I think, or at least I hope, I'm causing too much harm with them. There are some pretty wonderful people in my life I would hate to push away and ruin things with by my crazy thinking. However, I think most of those people know I'm on a journey of self-improvement and can recognize the ebb and flow of it, and have patience and acceptance and tolerance with it.
That's my prayer... for them and for myself.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Surrender versus Self-Will
I will try to be responsibly brief tonight, but this topic is a concept I've struggled with for a long time and have recently been exploring in much greater detail. One of the reasons I came into program, whether I realized it at the time or not, was that my way of doing things was not working anymore. I was not finding the ultimate key to happiness, I did not seem to be able to change my behavior or at least the outcomes resulting from my behavior, and I could not figure out what to do. I was at a loss.
As I've listened over the years and worked the first 7 steps of Al-Anon, I've come to realize that I was totally reliant on self-will before program and THAT was my biggest problem. For the longest time, since I was a little girl, I thought that things had to be done my way and in my time frame. I thought that I could only rely on myself because everyone else kept letting me down. My friends all abandoned me, my mom was always working, my dad wasn't available, my teachers were great but they were teachers they weren't part of my every day social life, etc. It was all about "them" and all about the external forces not meeting my expectations. I thought it was all up to me, and therefore I couldn't be happy or content if things weren't done to my specifications or "desires."
Well, you can imagine where that kind of thinking got me. "Restless, irritable, and discontent." Luckily, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I a drug addict. I did not look for a substance to fill the empty spaces in my life. I may have felt depressed and actually BEEN depressed for short periods of time, and felt alone and unlovable. But I didn't turn to alcohol and I didn't turn to substances.
I did, however, keep looking outside of myself for that "something" that would make me feel okay and fill me up spiritually. I tried looking for God in religion, going to Mass regularly and going on retreats and trying small faith-sharing groups, etc. When Sully and I were together, I thought sharing in faith-related things was essential to the long-term happiness of our relationship. What I didn't realize is I was still relying on something outside of me to fill me up and make things okay. I was still relying on self-will, because if I controlled Sully, our relationship, our mutual participation in faith-based activities, the conversations we had, the topics we covered, etc., everything would be okay. It was all up to me.
I was so selfish and self-seeking and self-absorbed. I was judgmental and consumed by self-indulgent self-will. When did I ever just say, "God, I believe you have my best interest at heart. I believe you have me in your care. I trust that your will will be done if I just turn it over to you." I didn't. I didn't know how to say those things, not with a true spirit of surrender. I would pray that, but think of all the ways I could help make his will happen. Right. Not helpful.
In the last year, I've spent time writing about my part in certain relationships and where I was wrong in certain situations. I've come to see where my self-will and my inability to see God in a given situation has caused harm and has led to irritability and discontent, not peace and serenity. I've slowly come to learn, bit by bit, inch by inch, what surrender looks like.
Today, what surrender looks like is this - I do truly believe God has my life in his care. I don't know what it's going to look like in a week, two weeks, two months, two years. I may have an idea of what I think I'd like to happen, but I don't spend much time thinking about it, because in reality I realize I just don't know. I have seen my life, my feelings, my emotions, my energy change from day to day and week to week, and I've watched things pop into my life I would not have seen coming no matter how hard I looked. I am so blessed, and I am so grateful for the miracles and gifts and blessings I experience every day.
One of the areas I find hardest to surrender my will to is regarding relationships. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it more in the future I'm sure. I think I know what I want - marriage, a family, a partner, kids of my own, etc - but even writing my "ideal relationship" I now realize I really don't know what I want or what God has planned for me. I have no idea. I am open to whatever God puts in my path. I am going to keep doing the footwork - keep working on my steps, keeping showing up as a friend to the women and men I've become friends with in program (especially one man I could potentially be interested in), to talk to my parents every week, to do little action steps around getting my financial affairs in order, etc. In regards to that one man, I have so much to learn about surrendering. We've been friends for a while now, and although I've found him attractive since I met him, most of the time we've known each other we've been just friends. We have developed a really strong friendship, and part of me believes I would be just as happy having him as an older brother type figure as a potential partner. Because I don't really know what either scenario would look like, and I honestly don't know which one is more in our best interests according to God's will and plan for us. But I very frequently have to literally pause in my place (standing, walking, whatever), take a deep breath and let it out long and low, let go of the feeling of spinning and anxiety and worry, and just say "I trust you God. I have no idea what your plan is for me/us. I believe we are both in your care and you love us and want what's best for us and more will be revealed in your time." It helps, it really truly helps.
It also helps being able to talk about it. My roommate knows, but it's hard to talk about it with her frequently because it gets obsessive and if I feel that way I know it's time to stop. Same with my sponsor - she knows, and I'll keep telling her if I'm feeling overwhelmed, and then I'll her what my prayer is and what my actions are, and we'll go from there. It's enough that she knows and I can tell her, but she often just tells me (in different ways and with different suggestions) to turn it over, where is God in it, let it go, if it's meant to happen it will happen. I've told a couple non-program friends, but they don't fully understand Al-Anon so being able to advise and empathize in this situation is somewhat limited. Which is why I was so grateful this past weekend I was finally able to tell two program friends about it... one because she asked if this guy and I were dating (say what?! she said she sensed a vibe there) and the other because the need to share came up as we spent time together on the way home from the conference. I'm so relieved and grateful to now have 3 program friends who know, because they can give me the program speak I need and ALSO give me the girlfriend empathy I also desperately need. I'm so so so grateful to have found a way to get that off my chest. It's such a blessing. We're only as sick as our secrets and being able to name it out loud to people, appropriate trustworthy people in appropriate places and situations, helps me surrender and not stay stuck in my head (which is a form of self-will).
So now I send this to the void... I pray for peace and restfulness tonight. I pray for the man I mentioned tonight, another man who I think will be disappointed I no longer wish to reciprocate flirtations with, and a prayer for acceptance and patience with whatever ultimate plan God has for me and the length of time it takes for it to be revealed. Amen.
(so much for responsibly brief... sorry!)
As I've listened over the years and worked the first 7 steps of Al-Anon, I've come to realize that I was totally reliant on self-will before program and THAT was my biggest problem. For the longest time, since I was a little girl, I thought that things had to be done my way and in my time frame. I thought that I could only rely on myself because everyone else kept letting me down. My friends all abandoned me, my mom was always working, my dad wasn't available, my teachers were great but they were teachers they weren't part of my every day social life, etc. It was all about "them" and all about the external forces not meeting my expectations. I thought it was all up to me, and therefore I couldn't be happy or content if things weren't done to my specifications or "desires."
Well, you can imagine where that kind of thinking got me. "Restless, irritable, and discontent." Luckily, I'm not an alcoholic nor am I a drug addict. I did not look for a substance to fill the empty spaces in my life. I may have felt depressed and actually BEEN depressed for short periods of time, and felt alone and unlovable. But I didn't turn to alcohol and I didn't turn to substances.
I did, however, keep looking outside of myself for that "something" that would make me feel okay and fill me up spiritually. I tried looking for God in religion, going to Mass regularly and going on retreats and trying small faith-sharing groups, etc. When Sully and I were together, I thought sharing in faith-related things was essential to the long-term happiness of our relationship. What I didn't realize is I was still relying on something outside of me to fill me up and make things okay. I was still relying on self-will, because if I controlled Sully, our relationship, our mutual participation in faith-based activities, the conversations we had, the topics we covered, etc., everything would be okay. It was all up to me.
I was so selfish and self-seeking and self-absorbed. I was judgmental and consumed by self-indulgent self-will. When did I ever just say, "God, I believe you have my best interest at heart. I believe you have me in your care. I trust that your will will be done if I just turn it over to you." I didn't. I didn't know how to say those things, not with a true spirit of surrender. I would pray that, but think of all the ways I could help make his will happen. Right. Not helpful.
In the last year, I've spent time writing about my part in certain relationships and where I was wrong in certain situations. I've come to see where my self-will and my inability to see God in a given situation has caused harm and has led to irritability and discontent, not peace and serenity. I've slowly come to learn, bit by bit, inch by inch, what surrender looks like.
Today, what surrender looks like is this - I do truly believe God has my life in his care. I don't know what it's going to look like in a week, two weeks, two months, two years. I may have an idea of what I think I'd like to happen, but I don't spend much time thinking about it, because in reality I realize I just don't know. I have seen my life, my feelings, my emotions, my energy change from day to day and week to week, and I've watched things pop into my life I would not have seen coming no matter how hard I looked. I am so blessed, and I am so grateful for the miracles and gifts and blessings I experience every day.
One of the areas I find hardest to surrender my will to is regarding relationships. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it more in the future I'm sure. I think I know what I want - marriage, a family, a partner, kids of my own, etc - but even writing my "ideal relationship" I now realize I really don't know what I want or what God has planned for me. I have no idea. I am open to whatever God puts in my path. I am going to keep doing the footwork - keep working on my steps, keeping showing up as a friend to the women and men I've become friends with in program (especially one man I could potentially be interested in), to talk to my parents every week, to do little action steps around getting my financial affairs in order, etc. In regards to that one man, I have so much to learn about surrendering. We've been friends for a while now, and although I've found him attractive since I met him, most of the time we've known each other we've been just friends. We have developed a really strong friendship, and part of me believes I would be just as happy having him as an older brother type figure as a potential partner. Because I don't really know what either scenario would look like, and I honestly don't know which one is more in our best interests according to God's will and plan for us. But I very frequently have to literally pause in my place (standing, walking, whatever), take a deep breath and let it out long and low, let go of the feeling of spinning and anxiety and worry, and just say "I trust you God. I have no idea what your plan is for me/us. I believe we are both in your care and you love us and want what's best for us and more will be revealed in your time." It helps, it really truly helps.
It also helps being able to talk about it. My roommate knows, but it's hard to talk about it with her frequently because it gets obsessive and if I feel that way I know it's time to stop. Same with my sponsor - she knows, and I'll keep telling her if I'm feeling overwhelmed, and then I'll her what my prayer is and what my actions are, and we'll go from there. It's enough that she knows and I can tell her, but she often just tells me (in different ways and with different suggestions) to turn it over, where is God in it, let it go, if it's meant to happen it will happen. I've told a couple non-program friends, but they don't fully understand Al-Anon so being able to advise and empathize in this situation is somewhat limited. Which is why I was so grateful this past weekend I was finally able to tell two program friends about it... one because she asked if this guy and I were dating (say what?! she said she sensed a vibe there) and the other because the need to share came up as we spent time together on the way home from the conference. I'm so relieved and grateful to now have 3 program friends who know, because they can give me the program speak I need and ALSO give me the girlfriend empathy I also desperately need. I'm so so so grateful to have found a way to get that off my chest. It's such a blessing. We're only as sick as our secrets and being able to name it out loud to people, appropriate trustworthy people in appropriate places and situations, helps me surrender and not stay stuck in my head (which is a form of self-will).
So now I send this to the void... I pray for peace and restfulness tonight. I pray for the man I mentioned tonight, another man who I think will be disappointed I no longer wish to reciprocate flirtations with, and a prayer for acceptance and patience with whatever ultimate plan God has for me and the length of time it takes for it to be revealed. Amen.
(so much for responsibly brief... sorry!)
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Profoundness
I had the pleasure of hearing a two amazing leads this week at two of my regular meetings. After not going to meetings for 10 days over the holidays, I was able to get back into the routine and go to four this week... MUCH needed after the holidays and all the "stuff" and stuck-ness I've been feeling lately.
At my Wednesday meeting, the person who spoke is someone I have a great deal of respect for, both as a person and as a fellow member of our program. I almost always take away a nugget of goodness when he speaks, because he speaks with honesty, clarity, creativity, and a quiet spiritual wisdom that resonates so strongly in me. He is definitely a vehicle for my God to speak to me, because I usually hear exactly what I need to hear when he shares.
Well, neither God nor my friend disappointed that night. It was one of the most touching leads I've heard in program... He talked about his dad ending up in the ICU over the holidays and how the program has helped carry him through the situation. He talked some about how the program has shown him that everyone is carried by God, and how he has learned to let them be in God's care, even if it's not how he thinks it should be or the way he thought it would look. He talked about finding the gifts and moments of miracle and blessing... Basically taking stock of gratitude. He also talked about how he's learned two things are very powerful in times like this - love and medicine - and he now knows which one is his responsibility/in his control.
Given where I've been at lately, it was such a great lead to hear. I've had to constantly remind myself that God has my life and the lives of those around me in his care. My will has not served me well, so trusting someone or something greater than myself seems the wiser choice (but by God the harder choice). I do a daily gratitude list, but sometimes it is so hard to see the gifts in my struggles. My struggle with intimacy, for example, and letting myself just be close with someone without inventing crazy expectations to go with it... What are the gifts there? Something to consider. And the struggles with money, and being a broke student... The gifts there are definitely a willingness to accept help (and ask for it) from others, to accept (with humility) others' generosity, to realize life is so much more than material goods and recognize what I really can live happily without (and what needs really do need to be met versus frivolous needs). But remembering those gifts can be hard.
And the part about love... My uncle passed away 10 years ago New Year's Day and my grandma passed 5 years ago this February. They were such examples of faith in God, love, and service. God carried them, and God showed me how to love through them. My goal in life IS to love... Love God, love myself, love others. It is often hard to love myself, and to show up for others (which is love) but it's something I'm learning to do "slowly & haltingly, occasionally with great bursts of brilliance." I have to remind myself on a daily basis what is the loving response to the people in my life - friends, family members, coworkers, customers, CTA workers, strangers, etc. Sometimes it's a smile, or a listening ear, or keeping my mouth shut, or saying thank you, or letting someone else go first... I'm still learning and growing in that arena.
As if I didn't have enough to think about, pray on, and consider after that lead, today I went to an open AA meeting I often attend. The lead was given by a guy I've heard share in the meetings before, and the topic was so profound and so appropriate to hear today. He spoke on the topic "In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less and desire humility more than ever" (page 75, chapter on Step 7 in the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.) The speaker identified three kinds of pain - pain of "life stuff" (the shit that happens), pain caused by bad actions, and pain caused by spiritual growth. All of those instances of pain lead to humility in different ways. The first kind of pain teaches us it's not all about us, and helps us find humility through being of service and continuing to show up even when it's hard and uncomfortable. The second kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us to see the truth in the mirror and make the appropriate amends and learn to change our behavior. The last kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us the freedom to believe God has our lives in his control and that spiritual growth is a healthy and important part of our lives. When we accept that the pain comes from spiritual growth, we can accept the discomfort and try to live through it without trying to fix, manage, control, or change it.
Man. For someone working on her Step 8 (making a list of people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all), this is super important. My character defects flare up in my face regularly, and though I'm not always able to take contrary action, I'm at least aware of them. I learn humility by allowing myself to be HUMAN. I can make mistakes. As long as I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines and work towards change and more spiritually healthy attitudes and actions.
One major area I'm learning to grow along spiritual lines is the idea that love doesn't have to always have labels or fit into a category or box. Sometimes it's enough just to say "I love you" and/or hear someone say "Love you too" without assigning meaning or expectation to it. This is a big opportunity for me to learn and grow - I am so used to trying to meet what I think another person's expectations are for me (as a friend or potential romantic partner or coworker) that I forget all I'm asked to do is be ME. I don't always know what that means or how to do that. I'm learning I have to learn to love myself and BE myself before I can accept love in ANY form from someone else. Which is why sometimes it is just ENOUGH to say and receive an "I Love You" without it meaning anything other than the unconditional love of God shown through that person.
I don't say "I love you" to very many people... girlfriends for sure, family definitely. But I'm starting to learn how to say it more, and to experience that vulnerability and intimacy in my life. I sure hope I can continue to grow in this area... loving myself, and learning to accept love JUST AS IT IS from others.
So much to think and reflect on! What a fabulous week of spiritual growth and recovery it's been... I'm so grateful for this program.
At my Wednesday meeting, the person who spoke is someone I have a great deal of respect for, both as a person and as a fellow member of our program. I almost always take away a nugget of goodness when he speaks, because he speaks with honesty, clarity, creativity, and a quiet spiritual wisdom that resonates so strongly in me. He is definitely a vehicle for my God to speak to me, because I usually hear exactly what I need to hear when he shares.
Well, neither God nor my friend disappointed that night. It was one of the most touching leads I've heard in program... He talked about his dad ending up in the ICU over the holidays and how the program has helped carry him through the situation. He talked some about how the program has shown him that everyone is carried by God, and how he has learned to let them be in God's care, even if it's not how he thinks it should be or the way he thought it would look. He talked about finding the gifts and moments of miracle and blessing... Basically taking stock of gratitude. He also talked about how he's learned two things are very powerful in times like this - love and medicine - and he now knows which one is his responsibility/in his control.
Given where I've been at lately, it was such a great lead to hear. I've had to constantly remind myself that God has my life and the lives of those around me in his care. My will has not served me well, so trusting someone or something greater than myself seems the wiser choice (but by God the harder choice). I do a daily gratitude list, but sometimes it is so hard to see the gifts in my struggles. My struggle with intimacy, for example, and letting myself just be close with someone without inventing crazy expectations to go with it... What are the gifts there? Something to consider. And the struggles with money, and being a broke student... The gifts there are definitely a willingness to accept help (and ask for it) from others, to accept (with humility) others' generosity, to realize life is so much more than material goods and recognize what I really can live happily without (and what needs really do need to be met versus frivolous needs). But remembering those gifts can be hard.
And the part about love... My uncle passed away 10 years ago New Year's Day and my grandma passed 5 years ago this February. They were such examples of faith in God, love, and service. God carried them, and God showed me how to love through them. My goal in life IS to love... Love God, love myself, love others. It is often hard to love myself, and to show up for others (which is love) but it's something I'm learning to do "slowly & haltingly, occasionally with great bursts of brilliance." I have to remind myself on a daily basis what is the loving response to the people in my life - friends, family members, coworkers, customers, CTA workers, strangers, etc. Sometimes it's a smile, or a listening ear, or keeping my mouth shut, or saying thank you, or letting someone else go first... I'm still learning and growing in that arena.
As if I didn't have enough to think about, pray on, and consider after that lead, today I went to an open AA meeting I often attend. The lead was given by a guy I've heard share in the meetings before, and the topic was so profound and so appropriate to hear today. He spoke on the topic "In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain. We began to fear pain less and desire humility more than ever" (page 75, chapter on Step 7 in the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book.) The speaker identified three kinds of pain - pain of "life stuff" (the shit that happens), pain caused by bad actions, and pain caused by spiritual growth. All of those instances of pain lead to humility in different ways. The first kind of pain teaches us it's not all about us, and helps us find humility through being of service and continuing to show up even when it's hard and uncomfortable. The second kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us to see the truth in the mirror and make the appropriate amends and learn to change our behavior. The last kind of pain teaches us humility by allowing us the freedom to believe God has our lives in his control and that spiritual growth is a healthy and important part of our lives. When we accept that the pain comes from spiritual growth, we can accept the discomfort and try to live through it without trying to fix, manage, control, or change it.
Man. For someone working on her Step 8 (making a list of people I've harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all), this is super important. My character defects flare up in my face regularly, and though I'm not always able to take contrary action, I'm at least aware of them. I learn humility by allowing myself to be HUMAN. I can make mistakes. As long as I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines and work towards change and more spiritually healthy attitudes and actions.
One major area I'm learning to grow along spiritual lines is the idea that love doesn't have to always have labels or fit into a category or box. Sometimes it's enough just to say "I love you" and/or hear someone say "Love you too" without assigning meaning or expectation to it. This is a big opportunity for me to learn and grow - I am so used to trying to meet what I think another person's expectations are for me (as a friend or potential romantic partner or coworker) that I forget all I'm asked to do is be ME. I don't always know what that means or how to do that. I'm learning I have to learn to love myself and BE myself before I can accept love in ANY form from someone else. Which is why sometimes it is just ENOUGH to say and receive an "I Love You" without it meaning anything other than the unconditional love of God shown through that person.
I don't say "I love you" to very many people... girlfriends for sure, family definitely. But I'm starting to learn how to say it more, and to experience that vulnerability and intimacy in my life. I sure hope I can continue to grow in this area... loving myself, and learning to accept love JUST AS IT IS from others.
So much to think and reflect on! What a fabulous week of spiritual growth and recovery it's been... I'm so grateful for this program.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)