Willingness

Tonight I am giving a lead/reflection on the topic of Willingness and Self-Care at my Al-Anon meeting. The idea of "willingness" came up when I was reflecting on my prayer and how it had changed over the course of this first year in program. A friend I was talking to one day pointed out that I needed to be willing to ask for what I needed, otherwise I would continue to expect things from people who might not have any idea what I needed or wanted from them. It came down to being clear and direct in my expectations and also becoming aware of what I truly need to get by day-to-day. It doesn't have to be major things, even something simple like an air-conditioner or a nap, but it could also be asking for someone's prayers or asking for financial help when I'm in a bind or assistance moving furniture because I can't do it by myself. The ideas of being able to ask and being willing to ask are concepts I didn't really understand until I came into Al-Anon and started working the steps. I used to think I was asking for God's help or seeking God's will, but I didn't really know what to ask for or what I really needed. My boundaries are becoming clearer, and therefore my prayers are becoming clearer. I now pray for the willingness to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn things over to God, and to be of humble service. That's my daily mantra, and all my actions, thoughts, and prayers try to center on those core ideas. If I need to take a step back and go to another room because a coworker or customer is triggering me, I can do that. I can ask God for the willingness and ability to do that. If I know I need prayers going into a particular situation that may be stressful or exhausting, I can ask for God's grace and peace to be with me, and I can ask my friends (in and out of program) to pray for me. I can turn over my concerns at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, and know at my deepest core that God has it taken care of, and I am going to be okay. I can also willingly do things for others, even if it seems like I'm giving more than I'm getting. I still struggle with the idea of doing for others even when I am not getting something in return, but I'm learning where to place my boundaries and stop giving when my tank is running empty. That prevents me from getting over-extended and then getting resentful.

Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.

I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.

I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!