We as human beings get ourselves caught into vicious cycles of thinking, speaking, and behaving. We convince ourselves that things have to be a certain way in order for something to make sense, feel right, or have that "happy ending." Sometimes we have realistic expectations or valid concerns; sometimes we make things a lot more challenging and difficult than they need to be. We try to protect ourselves and end up hurting ourselves instead.
So how do we know when we're doing the right thing and when we need to back off, cool our jets, and just "let love in" or "let things go"? If I had the answer to that, I'd be a very rich women writing the best-selling book of all time. It takes practice, I do know that. It takes self-awareness, a WILLINGNESS to change, and an ability to forgive yourself and others for not being "perfect." This doesn't mean you can't have expectations or standards - it just means you have to really look at those expectations and standards and ask yourself, "Do I have these because I'm afraid or do I have these because I legitimately know it's what I need to be happy?"
I didn't used to find myself watching movies or reading a book and wishing my life could be like the characters. Sure I'd have moments of "oh that'd be nice" but it would quickly give way to "that stuff doesn't happen - it's only idealized/exaggerated because it's a movie or book." But I'll tell you this - the last few months of my relationship and these past 5 months without him have proven this to me - just because it doesn't seem realistic doesn't mean it's not possible, and doesn't mean we can't dream for it.
This will pass, but when it does, will I regret the decision and mourn forever what I lost? Will I ever get to a point of being really okay with how things are? If he marries her, will I be able to handle it? I've lost him, now his sister (and because of that probably his family), and who knows what friendships may eventually wither away too. The bitch (and sometimes blessing) of growing up is that relationships and friendships do not stay the same. I hope someday that gets easier. Until then, I'll keep navigating the tricky waters.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Clean Slate, Open Heart
Happy New Year! One month from today I will celebrate 26 years of being alive on the planet Earth and 26 years of the joy-filled optimism of "Care Bear Bri." Many folks I know get on this side of 25 and feel they start the "downward" or "slippery slide" to 30. I don't quite understand it myself - I was not one of those children who had this "plan" mapped out in her head that "by such-and-such an age I'll be married, with kids, with this job" etc. I always figured I'd take it as it came, and things would happen when they're supposed to happen. I also think that my parents' divorce and my struggles with finding a boyfriend and friends who wouldn't bail on me throughout junior high and high school may have influenced that "lack of a plan." By the time I reached college, I was just trying to get myself together physically and emotionally and from there I became open to relationships and friendships. Even then, I didn't expect to be married within a few years... I felt so young! In some ways, I still do.
The only time that has ever been different was after my best friend got married in November 2006 and I started dating the man I came to expect I'd marry. Did I expect to marry him because so many of my friends were starting that process of getting engaged and married? I don't know. That would require an awful lot of in-depth overanalyzing and counseling. I was open to the relationship, though I had never had a crush on him, and quickly it became clear that we complemented each other in a lot of ways. We grew together, and we helped shape each other as adults. If that's all it was meant to be, that's a blessing in itself. It does prove that love can grow from unexpected places.
The sad part is, I'm surrounded by married and engaged people more now than I was 2 years ago when it all began. The good thing is that now I'm used to it, so I am not necessarily seeking it out or feeling lonely without it the same way I was then.
On the other hand, I do wish I had that partner to spend my life with, that one person who I could come home to every day and share the joys/struggles of the day with. I do wish I had that security, and that passion, that intimacy and that love. I once thought I had it, but it wasn't the right thing, and wasn't what God intended.
When the clock flipped over and it was officially 2009, I was relieved. 2008 was a rough year for me, and I was grateful for the chance to "start over" and have a "clean slate." I cut the ties I needed to cut, and I closed the door on the things I needed to close the door on. At least, I think I did. We'll see how long it lasts.
I do have a strong hope that this year will be a happier and healthier year than 2008 was - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and relationally. I am excited about some aspects of my future that lay ahead - new grad school plans, the prospect of moving in with a good friend, continued building of my solid Chicago/Catholic relationships. However, there are some areas of my life where I'd like to be happier. I'm still in the midst of my "Retreat in Daily Life" (though it took a break over the holidays), and I think the Forgiveness/Birth sections will help me move to that next step of love and happiness I seek. At least, I hope they do.
Trust, Openness, and Letting Go - three attributes I'd like to hone this year. Let's see if it works!
The only time that has ever been different was after my best friend got married in November 2006 and I started dating the man I came to expect I'd marry. Did I expect to marry him because so many of my friends were starting that process of getting engaged and married? I don't know. That would require an awful lot of in-depth overanalyzing and counseling. I was open to the relationship, though I had never had a crush on him, and quickly it became clear that we complemented each other in a lot of ways. We grew together, and we helped shape each other as adults. If that's all it was meant to be, that's a blessing in itself. It does prove that love can grow from unexpected places.
The sad part is, I'm surrounded by married and engaged people more now than I was 2 years ago when it all began. The good thing is that now I'm used to it, so I am not necessarily seeking it out or feeling lonely without it the same way I was then.
On the other hand, I do wish I had that partner to spend my life with, that one person who I could come home to every day and share the joys/struggles of the day with. I do wish I had that security, and that passion, that intimacy and that love. I once thought I had it, but it wasn't the right thing, and wasn't what God intended.
When the clock flipped over and it was officially 2009, I was relieved. 2008 was a rough year for me, and I was grateful for the chance to "start over" and have a "clean slate." I cut the ties I needed to cut, and I closed the door on the things I needed to close the door on. At least, I think I did. We'll see how long it lasts.
I do have a strong hope that this year will be a happier and healthier year than 2008 was - physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and relationally. I am excited about some aspects of my future that lay ahead - new grad school plans, the prospect of moving in with a good friend, continued building of my solid Chicago/Catholic relationships. However, there are some areas of my life where I'd like to be happier. I'm still in the midst of my "Retreat in Daily Life" (though it took a break over the holidays), and I think the Forgiveness/Birth sections will help me move to that next step of love and happiness I seek. At least, I hope they do.
Trust, Openness, and Letting Go - three attributes I'd like to hone this year. Let's see if it works!
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