What a relaxing reflective weekend I've had!
School ended Friday, which was quite sad and made me teary-eyed. The kindergarteners made me cards and almost the entire school gave me a standing ovation when Maureen acknowledged me at the Awards Prayer Service. I will miss these kiddos so darn much -- they have taught me a lot about patience, about faith, about education, and about providing love & support & stability when they might not get it otherwise. You never know what life you are touching by being caring, compassionate, and present to these children. I have loved every minute of this year with them, even when they've driven me crazy! Especially the 8th graders, who were such an amazing class with many gifts and talents. They will do well in high school, if they learn responsibility and are able to stay true to their values, faith, and roots. I will miss them all.
This weekend was also the GVVA Retreat. I can't wait to be a GVVA in a month! They are some of the coolest people ever! Friday night we played Texas Hold 'Em with the crew; Saturday we had the second annual GVV/GVVA kickball game, and although we had one less player than them we only lost by one run! Those MVK skills were coming out like mad, and our honorary "GVV" (also known as Dennis Wells, the Music Director at St. Vincent's) had talents & skills that contributed greatly to our success. The best part was, after the game the GVVAs treated us to Ted Drewes frozen custard & to a night on the town at a neighborhood pub! :) Good times were had by all, and for the first time this year I felt like I could be open, extroverted, socialable, and more myself than ever before. I thank Audrey, Amy & Scott for that, plus the fact that I took a shower and looked pretty darn good and therefore felt good! :) Sunday Clare & I cooked the GVVAs lunch, which was such a serene sort of service, to the ones who had gone before us, and we enjoyed a lazy day of watching movie after movie after movie. I am so excited to become part of the GVVA family, where we can talk about our experiences openly without negative effects on our community (because we won't be living together anymore!) and to get to know them outside of the GVV environment while still holding onto those charisms and lessons and values we learned and embraced over our respective years. :) So great -- I can't wait!
I'm feeling good about job stuff -- SMDP and Big Shoulders are still in process, and I will be talking with someone from Make-A-Wish in Chicago & another Marquette alumnus up in Milwaukee this week and next week. I will be visiting a school on Friday in Minnesota, and after this week, who knows what else will happen (if anything). All I know is I'm trying to pray daily about it because I know I haven't been praying as much as I should, and I'm truly trying and hopefully learning to let go and give the process and anxiety over to God. I think so far I'm succeeding, but I think I also passed the most drought-like period which wasn't even that bad. I'm doing the best I can and I'm remembering all the reasons why I should have total confidence in myself and my abilities. It's easy to forget when you get discouraged, but it's important to remember no matter what!
It's hard to believe the year is almost over. One month from tomorrow is our last day, and one month from Friday I fly home, however indefinitely that trip home may be! I have learned a lot and grown a lot from this year, but I still have one month's worth of experiences to have, reflections to share, and lessons to learn, so I can't let this "summer break syndrome" set in too quickly or too much or I'll miss one of the most important month's of the year -- the month when the "what next" becomes a reality and I have to figure out how to make this experience stay with me in my new future.
Keep praying for me. :)
Monday, May 29, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
When God Closes a Door...
He always opens a window. Supposedly. :) Actually, that has proven to be the case in many ways throughout my life. When I thought I'd be going to MercyWorks in Chicago and then that fell through, here came GVV-St. Louis! When I didn't think I could do another year of E'gals, here came Company of Singers. When I was at my wit's end after freshman year of college, God provided the steps necessary to make my life better, smoother, and happier. And when I was sure that SMDP-Waukegan was my only option, God provided a second chance. Not that SMDP is out of the picture, but now I know I have options and that if neither of these two options works out that something else will! It's all ok if I don't have a job by the end of June. It's going to be ok and may even be better if I don't. But, God has a plan and I have to trust in it whole-heartedly.
The trick with that is remembering it when my options seem to be very few and far between. My only dream is to one day get to Chicago. I just want to be there already! I want to be near friends, exploring a new city, finding out about myself, working in a job that is challenging and creative and fun, and discovering ways to keep my Vincentian spirituality and Ignation education alive in my every day life. Is that really so much to ask? A favorite coffeeshop and my own little apartment... that's all I want. Really, that would make me exceedingly happy right now, especially if I had a way to BUY that Chai tea or afford that little apartment by myself. I want to be able to live on my own, be on my own, afford living and being on my own, and exploring all the new ways I can be me while still have friends and family near by. The family may be an 8-hour drive or 1-hour flight, but that's ok. It'll still be handier, closer, and easier to access them than it has been in St. Louis!
This is so random, I know, but it's where I'm at. I have two different job positions in the interview process, and I have faith that other options will make themselves known as well. I have become more convinced, however, that I do not want to start before my volunteer year is over. I know I told SMDP that I could possibly start early, but the more I've looked at the logistics of it and the more I've really looked at my feelings about the situation, I don't want to be rushed and I don't want to be starting one thing without proper closure on the other. I don't think it's fair of me to do that, nor do I think it's fair to ask me to do that. I don't want to be hypocrite, but I did honestly think it could work out and now, feasibly and emotionally, I just don't see it happening. If that means the SMDP job (or the other job) don't happen, that's ok. It just means something else will.
I just gotta keep the faith, and keep minding the doors and windows.
The trick with that is remembering it when my options seem to be very few and far between. My only dream is to one day get to Chicago. I just want to be there already! I want to be near friends, exploring a new city, finding out about myself, working in a job that is challenging and creative and fun, and discovering ways to keep my Vincentian spirituality and Ignation education alive in my every day life. Is that really so much to ask? A favorite coffeeshop and my own little apartment... that's all I want. Really, that would make me exceedingly happy right now, especially if I had a way to BUY that Chai tea or afford that little apartment by myself. I want to be able to live on my own, be on my own, afford living and being on my own, and exploring all the new ways I can be me while still have friends and family near by. The family may be an 8-hour drive or 1-hour flight, but that's ok. It'll still be handier, closer, and easier to access them than it has been in St. Louis!
This is so random, I know, but it's where I'm at. I have two different job positions in the interview process, and I have faith that other options will make themselves known as well. I have become more convinced, however, that I do not want to start before my volunteer year is over. I know I told SMDP that I could possibly start early, but the more I've looked at the logistics of it and the more I've really looked at my feelings about the situation, I don't want to be rushed and I don't want to be starting one thing without proper closure on the other. I don't think it's fair of me to do that, nor do I think it's fair to ask me to do that. I don't want to be hypocrite, but I did honestly think it could work out and now, feasibly and emotionally, I just don't see it happening. If that means the SMDP job (or the other job) don't happen, that's ok. It just means something else will.
I just gotta keep the faith, and keep minding the doors and windows.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Nerves of Melted Butter
I'm nervous for my job interview tomorrow with SMDP in Waukegan. I have not heard anything from them since I set up the phone interview, and had hoped to get an email response regarding who I would be speaking with tomorrow. Perhaps the email didn't go through (I haven't heard anything from the YNPN members too, which is also somewhat strange). I'm not sure if I'm nervous because I really want it and think I won't get it, or if I think it's not the right job and I'm not prepared to be discouraged and disappointed again. All I know is I'm going to go into it confident, comfortable, and with a smile because I want to present myself in absolutely the best way I possibly can. I hope this cold goes away at least somewhat so I can not sound like a sniffly 7 year old. :)
If this job does pan out, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do next.
If this job does pan out, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do next.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Annie Mac & St. Martin de Porres
I realized that this week must have been nutty and emotional because I hadn't written in my gratitude journal since Monday and DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT! I've been so good about taking the time each and every day, or at least every other day, to write down the things I've been grateful for those days. That's so uncharacteristic of me to forget it! But, since the past couple weeks have been super stressful and I have not done much to channel that stress, it's been an internal time bomb waiting to happen. First it was the night o'depression and sleep. Then it was tonight's outburst with Annie.
Things between us have never been anything near good or positive. We have our moments where we can sort of get along in a "we have to because we live with each other" kind of way. However, there is and always has been, for some reason, this crazy tension and inability to be comfortable around each other. She's completely shut off and I am too emotional. When she's stressed or bumming, she internalizes it and keeps to herself. When I'm stressed or bumming, it affects the way I deal with others, especially the people I live with (and usually not in a positive way). Neither of our attitudes or modes of operation are good, but we don't really have any other way. Tonight it all came tumbling out, at least from my end, with Suzette as the recipient, which was the first time I'd really let it all come tumbling out. It should have come tumbling out between McCance and I six months ago, but what can you do? I don't know if she and I will ever have the chance to talk it out, but I pray that God can at least somewhat heal our hearts and help us bridge some sort of gap. I've tried, however imperfectly, and I know she doesn't like living this way any more than I do. But I'm scared to talk to her and she just won't talk to me. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm just tired of it and wish that it could be different. I don't expect, need, or want to be her best friend. I just wish I could come home and not feel like the big bad wolf with her. I just wish we could have civil conversations, or ANY conversations.
On a separate note, I have a phone interview scheduled with St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan, Illinois. Waukegan is 41 miles from downtown Chicago and 53 miles from downtown Milwaukee (best of both worlds!) It is close to Gurnee (shopping & Great America) & Antioch (Ryan's family), is also not too far from Crystal Lake (where Dan & Mal will be), AND (the best part) is on the lake (Lake Michigan that is). Besides the geographical parts of the city that are cool, the job itself is something I am extremely interested in. It's a Communications Director position, and would be a reasonably challenging and exciting first job. The high school itself is part of the Cristo Rey Network, which is a network of Catholic college prep high schools across the country that uses extended school days and requires students to participate in the Corporate Internship Program, which allows them the chance to gain real world work experience while helping them pay their own tuition. The network itself is only about 10 years old, and this school is one of several that recently opened in 2004. It's still a relatively new and exciting venture, and I'd be excited to be part of it. I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself by even imagining that this could be the next move, but it's another one of those things that happened so fast. I won't know anything but my own personal wishes and speculations until the phone interview on May 16. I guess it's a good thing we have retreat this week, it'll give me some good quality prayer time to pray about 1) Annie, 2) St. Martin de Porres High School, and 3) the end of the year and leaving.
It's been such an incredible year and I can't hardly believe it's almost over. The month of May will fly and will be filled with some sad but joyful moments. I pray that God's love never leaves me and that his will guides me in these next phases. :)
Things between us have never been anything near good or positive. We have our moments where we can sort of get along in a "we have to because we live with each other" kind of way. However, there is and always has been, for some reason, this crazy tension and inability to be comfortable around each other. She's completely shut off and I am too emotional. When she's stressed or bumming, she internalizes it and keeps to herself. When I'm stressed or bumming, it affects the way I deal with others, especially the people I live with (and usually not in a positive way). Neither of our attitudes or modes of operation are good, but we don't really have any other way. Tonight it all came tumbling out, at least from my end, with Suzette as the recipient, which was the first time I'd really let it all come tumbling out. It should have come tumbling out between McCance and I six months ago, but what can you do? I don't know if she and I will ever have the chance to talk it out, but I pray that God can at least somewhat heal our hearts and help us bridge some sort of gap. I've tried, however imperfectly, and I know she doesn't like living this way any more than I do. But I'm scared to talk to her and she just won't talk to me. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm just tired of it and wish that it could be different. I don't expect, need, or want to be her best friend. I just wish I could come home and not feel like the big bad wolf with her. I just wish we could have civil conversations, or ANY conversations.
On a separate note, I have a phone interview scheduled with St. Martin de Porres High School in Waukegan, Illinois. Waukegan is 41 miles from downtown Chicago and 53 miles from downtown Milwaukee (best of both worlds!) It is close to Gurnee (shopping & Great America) & Antioch (Ryan's family), is also not too far from Crystal Lake (where Dan & Mal will be), AND (the best part) is on the lake (Lake Michigan that is). Besides the geographical parts of the city that are cool, the job itself is something I am extremely interested in. It's a Communications Director position, and would be a reasonably challenging and exciting first job. The high school itself is part of the Cristo Rey Network, which is a network of Catholic college prep high schools across the country that uses extended school days and requires students to participate in the Corporate Internship Program, which allows them the chance to gain real world work experience while helping them pay their own tuition. The network itself is only about 10 years old, and this school is one of several that recently opened in 2004. It's still a relatively new and exciting venture, and I'd be excited to be part of it. I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself by even imagining that this could be the next move, but it's another one of those things that happened so fast. I won't know anything but my own personal wishes and speculations until the phone interview on May 16. I guess it's a good thing we have retreat this week, it'll give me some good quality prayer time to pray about 1) Annie, 2) St. Martin de Porres High School, and 3) the end of the year and leaving.
It's been such an incredible year and I can't hardly believe it's almost over. The month of May will fly and will be filled with some sad but joyful moments. I pray that God's love never leaves me and that his will guides me in these next phases. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)