I can honestly say 2012 has been a struggle for me so far, in a surprising way. I have felt spiritually stuck, and have waged an ongoing inner struggle with myself. I don't want to address the inner struggle so I find ways to externalize it. I've done so by obsessing about a boy, by pulling away from my sponsor then blaming her (and seriously considering for all of 24 hours changing sponsors because "she just doesn't understand me"), trying to force myself to be happy at work, and all kinds of other things. The truth of the matter is, I'm at a crossroads of vulnerability and intimacy. I'm at a serious fork in the road in terms of "do I want to change or is it too hard/painful to do so" and I don't know how to talk about it or deal with it.
I do NOT know how to let people in. It may seem like I know how to listen and how to share. It may seem like I can tell you what's going on with me and share my story or my struggle or my success. The truth is, I can do so as long as I feel safe and able to maintain a certain image. My whole life has been image management, and I am struggling to be completely true to who I am and who I want to be. Because honestly I don't know who either of those people are -- the person I am or the person I want to be. I am defined by my past in one way, and I have some vague hope for the future. But today, in the here and now, in the present moment, I am just this lost little girl who wants to believe she's loved by God and accessible to others but doesn't actually believe either of those things. And it's okay to acknowledge that. It's totally okay to acknowledge that.
I am volunteering at the Children's Museum today and I'm excited about it. We're continuing to do daredevil painting which is FUN. It also means I get to see a program friend who has become a wonderful spiritual sister. In the meantime, I need to call my sponsor and tell her how I'm feeling today. And then I'm going to curl my hair and do my makeup, because sometimes when I feel churned up on the inside, taking care with my outside makes me feel better. "Just for today I will smile. I will keep myself neat and clean. I will be grateful for what I have instead of concentrating on what I don't have." Just for today :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Happiness Commandments
There are a number of amazing blogs I follow, when I make the time to sit and read through the recent posts. One is called The Happiness Project and is run by Gretchen Rubin, author of a book by the same name (I may have mentioned this blog before).
Recently Gretchen posted about levity, which really means a sense of lightness. She was talking about having a sense of lightness and fun in the workplace and in the home. But, she referenced a previous blog post about her personal Happiness Commandments.
As posts like this often do, it made me try to think and apply the topic to my own life. In this case, what are my personal happiness commandments? Gretchen talks about "What words repeat themselves in your ears? What was the offhand comment you found unforgettable?"
She suggests not making rules. Your personal commandments should not be a to-do list. And you don't have to do them all all the time. They should aim high but not be overwhelming or set too high expectations. She also talks about taking time to reflect on them and that sometimes we can get inspiration from other people's commandments.
Anyway, given all that (and ignoring, to some extent) the idea of reflecting on them for a while, I decided to do a quick list of my own personal commandments. These are nuggets I take with me on a regular basis when I'm living my daily life, struggling to find balance, and just trying to be happy. It is not a comprehensive list, and probably will develop over time. But this is a start!
1. Breathe
2. Be gentle/patient with yourself.
3. "Be Still and know that I am God."
4. Progress, not perfection.
5. We're only as sick as our secrets.
6. Pay it forward/be of service.
7. Stay in today.
8. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
9. Feel your feelings, then move on.
10. "We will become mature responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder."
So I started this post some weeks ago and am just now finishing it. So I guess I did take some time to reflect on these commandments! It was nice to come back to and re-read and see what still felt to me to be my go-to inspirations. Reminding myself of these commandments is already helping me have a good day. :)
Recently Gretchen posted about levity, which really means a sense of lightness. She was talking about having a sense of lightness and fun in the workplace and in the home. But, she referenced a previous blog post about her personal Happiness Commandments.
As posts like this often do, it made me try to think and apply the topic to my own life. In this case, what are my personal happiness commandments? Gretchen talks about "What words repeat themselves in your ears? What was the offhand comment you found unforgettable?"
She suggests not making rules. Your personal commandments should not be a to-do list. And you don't have to do them all all the time. They should aim high but not be overwhelming or set too high expectations. She also talks about taking time to reflect on them and that sometimes we can get inspiration from other people's commandments.
Anyway, given all that (and ignoring, to some extent) the idea of reflecting on them for a while, I decided to do a quick list of my own personal commandments. These are nuggets I take with me on a regular basis when I'm living my daily life, struggling to find balance, and just trying to be happy. It is not a comprehensive list, and probably will develop over time. But this is a start!
1. Breathe
2. Be gentle/patient with yourself.
3. "Be Still and know that I am God."
4. Progress, not perfection.
5. We're only as sick as our secrets.
6. Pay it forward/be of service.
7. Stay in today.
8. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
9. Feel your feelings, then move on.
10. "We will become mature responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder."
So I started this post some weeks ago and am just now finishing it. So I guess I did take some time to reflect on these commandments! It was nice to come back to and re-read and see what still felt to me to be my go-to inspirations. Reminding myself of these commandments is already helping me have a good day. :)
Friday, February 03, 2012
Excited Anticipation
One of my favorite prayers is not surprisingly from a Jesuit priest named Pierre Teilhard de Chardin called "Patient Trust." Depending on what's going on in my life, different parts of the prayer speak to me and remind me to step back, breathe, and have hope.
Today I'm struck by the ending line about accepting "the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete." This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel a high level of anticipation, but it's not worry or negative anticipation or even obsession. I just feel anticipatory. During one of the orientation sessions at the beginning of my volunteer year, we each had to choose a word from a list of "emotion/feeling words" to describe how we were feeling so far that week. One of my housemates choose "anticipatory" and I've loved the word ever since. It's different than anxiety and has a lot of other emotions wrapped up in it, but as my roommate said, it's just the overall feeling of "something's coming."
Something's coming? What could possibly be coming? I have no idea. I couldn't even begin to guess. I don't even feel like a huge amount of change is coming, at least not in the near future. Sometimes I've felt this anticipation when I know the program is working something out in me, and I'm on the brink of some major self-revelation. I've felt this way when I've been in class and have been uncovering new levels of creativity and art-making ideas. I've felt this way, obviously, around applying to grad school or applying for jobs or when I've been about to make a life-changing move. But this time, none of that is on the horizon, not near enough to having me feeling anticipation around it yet. If something's coming, it's something down the road, something I don't quite see yet or something small and (seemingly insignificant) right now that may have some greater meaning in the future. I don't know. And I don't really care. Honestly, right now I'm just enjoying feeling myself in suspense, and in complete. :-)
Today I'm struck by the ending line about accepting "the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete." This is exactly how I feel right now. I feel a high level of anticipation, but it's not worry or negative anticipation or even obsession. I just feel anticipatory. During one of the orientation sessions at the beginning of my volunteer year, we each had to choose a word from a list of "emotion/feeling words" to describe how we were feeling so far that week. One of my housemates choose "anticipatory" and I've loved the word ever since. It's different than anxiety and has a lot of other emotions wrapped up in it, but as my roommate said, it's just the overall feeling of "something's coming."
Something's coming? What could possibly be coming? I have no idea. I couldn't even begin to guess. I don't even feel like a huge amount of change is coming, at least not in the near future. Sometimes I've felt this anticipation when I know the program is working something out in me, and I'm on the brink of some major self-revelation. I've felt this way when I've been in class and have been uncovering new levels of creativity and art-making ideas. I've felt this way, obviously, around applying to grad school or applying for jobs or when I've been about to make a life-changing move. But this time, none of that is on the horizon, not near enough to having me feeling anticipation around it yet. If something's coming, it's something down the road, something I don't quite see yet or something small and (seemingly insignificant) right now that may have some greater meaning in the future. I don't know. And I don't really care. Honestly, right now I'm just enjoying feeling myself in suspense, and in complete. :-)
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