Micro-Managing and Passive Aggression

Two words/phrases I hoped would never be assigned to me, and yet I've been displaying them more and more over the past few weeks.

I've been stressed out. It's been a different kind of stressed out than I've felt before. It's not the stress of finals, or the stress of the holidays, or the stress of a deadline, or the stress of major transition/change. It's been the stress of finishing my 4th step, the stress of unresolved conflicts, the stress of goodbyes, the stress of not trusting or respecting those in management at my job, and the stress of feeling myself "in suspense and incomplete."

This is what we talk about in program when we say we will still face every day challenges and the same triggers we've always faced, but now hopefully we have different tools for dealing with them. Some days I feel like I have those tools handy and readily accessible and easy to tap into and utilize. Some days, or some weeks even, I find them buried in the back of my mind under a huge pile of rubbish and crap. Do I still believe I'm okay, and that God has me taken care of? Yes, I do, which is why I'm able to keep coming back and keep working the steps and keep trying to better myself with and through this program. I do believe, somewhere inside me, that God has a plan and that I'm following the right path, bumps and bruises and all.

But I definitely feel in a state of fog at the moment, and a state of inner turmoil that is not a full-blown tornado but is a simmering pot that might (if not dealt with properly) blow too much steam and hurt someone. I have not been acting like my usual easygoing self at work. I have not felt happy at work, or comfortable at work, or enjoyed my job the same way, in probably four months. I did not realize how much Brittany, Reid, Jaimie, Eric, and Julian all leaving really affected me, as did the unresolved CRAP that happened with the boy. I really truly HATE the utter garbage I feel exists in that relationship. We talk a lot about keeping our side of the street clean and I do NOT feel like it is clean at all.

I also feel like my relationships with all of my current managers are also murky, because I don't trust them, don't respect them, feel like I'm micromanaging them, and feel like I'm not accepted as I am (but also because I'm not acting true to who I am). Somewhere in the past four months I've lost the ME I came to love being at Starbucks. The ability to focus on the customer right in front of me, the ability to show compassion and genuine interest and affection for my customers and my coworkers, the laidback FUN person that used to laugh and joke and chit-chat throughout a shift. We're supposed to be in a people business serving coffee. Yet I wonder if I have become too reliant on the relationships I built with coworkers and customers being what kept me going, made me happy, gave me joy in my job. Personal relationships and the individual customer experience are cornerstones to Starbucks' mission, vision, and business. Yet has embracing that attitude made me too dependent once again on others for my personal well-being and happiness? I also feel like the focus on the individual customer experience and partner camaraderie has been lost somewhat at our store... It's a combination of the atmosphere created by the management, my own desire to take care of my regular customers (in sometimes inappropriate ways because I barge into the conversation or interaction they're having with another barista), and the feeling that many of our partners DON'T like their job or working at our store. What do I do with this negativity and the ways it is affecting my job and my relationships within and outside the store?

I've always considered myself a pretty positive person, and even since being in AL-Anon I've felt the most myself when I'm optimistic and cheerful. But I don't feel that way much lately, not at work and not in general. So much of the work I've done in Al-Anon seems to be fruitless because I'm not sure how to clear away the crap I'm feeling (especially when I don't know I'm feeling it right away). I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I want to re-find the happy, positive, cheerful, friendly, team-oriented person I know I am.

This is a much more meandering blog post (more like a journal entry) than I've had in a while. I spent the evening with a coworker who's become a good friend, and I was able to see things in a different perspective. I wanted to write about it because sometimes it helps me gather my thoughts and articulate my feelings. If I write about again, it's obsession. Today, it's just a blog post.

Whenever My Life Gets Me So Down....

This week I experienced a blast from the past. One of my favorite shows from the original line-up of "SNICK" (aka Saturday Night Nickelodeon) growing up was "Roundhouse." Most people do not remember this show... they remember Clarissa Explains It All, Ren & Stimpy, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and even later additions like "The Secret World of Alex Mack", "All That", and "Kenan and Kel" but no one remembers "Roundhouse." It was a music/variety/sketch comedy show that ran for four seasons as the second show in the SNICK line-up after Clarissa. I loved it. I always loved music/dance/acting shows like that - the corny childhood ones like Mickey Mouse Club and Roundhouse, and then later MadTV (though not Saturday Night Live as much). But the thing that has really stuck with me all these years is the theme song to Roundhouse, which is what I decided to go in search of on YouTube this week.

After revisiting it, I realized how much the lyrics still resonate with me. I'm finishing up my 4th step, and one theme has come up pretty consistently throughout my whole life. I desperately want to have close friends, I want to belong, I want to be part of something special. I've always wanted that. And the theme song to RoundHouse even addresses it:

Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse

These days I don't seek approval, acceptance, attention, or belonging from other people to the extent I once did, and I've become more self-confident and happy just being me (and just being WITH me). However, friendships and relationships are still important, and I find I still struggle with the idea of fitting in, being part of a group, belonging, having tight circles of friends so I don't feel so alone.

It's one of the reasons I struggled so much saying goodbye to a coworker this week when he finished his last shift and transferred to another store. We once had the opportunity to be good friends, and to be part of a close group of friends together. Then the awkwardness of attraction (and subsequently my going a bit crazy and controlling on him, much to my chagrin and despair) led to continued awkwardness for about 3 months. He left, and I grieve the lost opportunity, not so much the loss of potential romantic involvement (though that is sad too), but mostly the loss of a potentially really good friendship. Even when we've been at work together on a Sunday night or the 1-2 times we've hung out with friends outside of work since he moved to Chicago, it's obvious we get along. It's obvious there is a connection there in terms of commonalities, understanding of each other, and an ability to get along and relate. However, the awkwardness caused by attraction and innuendo will (at least for the time being and for a while to come I'm sure) prevent us from being friendly and friends. And that sucks.

So while I once thought work was a place I could go and be among friends, I have to learn to just have work be a place where I work. Maybe I can have coworkers become friends, but for now I have to keep the boundaries. I have to find other places in which I can feel part of, belong, and develop friendships that are hopefully not awkward or potentially harmful.

Luckily I'm almost done with the writing (YAY! FINALLY!) and soon I can move on to the making amends part. I know that is when the rubber will meet the road and hopefully I'll clear up some bad air in certain relationships and friendships. I know it won't be perfect and some people I'll never have in my life again. But I'm looking forward to the possibilities and the opportunities anyway. I just have to have patience, because I tend to want to fix things NOW.

As with Roundhouse, there will always be a place I can go and be among friends... that's one reason I'm in Al-Anon, because they get it. They may not be my closest friends in the world or the people I socialize with the most frequently, but they will still be there and get me. And I appreciate that so much.

To that end, I'll repeat the theme again... to give me hope and purpose and promise:

Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
To where the music and the fun never ends
As long as that music keeps playing
You know what I'm saying
I know that I can find a friend
Down at the roundhouse