Good Boundaries, not an easy task

Today I was able to have a difficult conversation with someone I care about in one way, and have the potential to care about in another way. We were both able to enter the conversation with humor, openness, honesty, trust, and respect. While the decision made was disappointing, we were both still able to laugh, joke, and be okay with it. I cried, but I had peace and acceptance because I know it was the right decision and that healthy boundaries were established and respected. And the other person was amazing with the whole situation. I'm so grateful for it and for him. Whatever happens from here, I'm okay and happy and completely open to God's will wherever it leads.

Uncertainty versus what?

I've been struggling recently with the idea of uncertainty and detachment, and learning how to be comfortable in the unknown without becoming paralyzed. Maybe that's not fair - I don't know that I've been "struggling" with it per se. It has been my old way of thinking and behaving to HAVE to act and HAVE to say something, even if I'm not sure what to say, what to do, or how to react or respond to a situation. Oftentimes, my need to act ends up making a situation more complicated and more intense than I want it to be or intended it to be. I recognize the need to be upfront and honest, and to communicate boundaries and expectations. I know those are important qualities to any relationship, friendship, and situation. However, there is a difference between communicating and overcommunicating, and sometimes overcommunication is NOT helpful (though in others, like my living situation with my roommate, it is VERY helpful for preventing resentments and enjoying each other). There is also a difference between being detached and lighthearted and present to today, and hiding feelings or shutting down or isolating. There's a fine line between keeping something to yourself for healthy detachment reasons and keeping something to yourself because you're afraid of what the consequences will be if you share.

I am probably being overly analytical about this particular situation, and I recognize this. I'm working on turning it over to God, and just not worrying about the outcomes. I am doing the best I can today, and if I make a mistake (over-communicate, make a situation more complicated than it needs to be, obsess/spin), at least I'll be aware of it faster and be able to let it go easier. I know I'm changing, I know I'm learning to be less serious and less intense. Every relationship, every friendship, every situation is going to help me continue becoming the person I want to be, even if I don't show up in the lighthearted, simple, detached, fun-loving way I want every time. I'll get there; progress, not perfection :)

Changing Relationships

I apologize in advance for the random and rambling entry about to follow... Over the past week, I have been bombarded with different ideas, reflections, perspectives, and definitions of what being in relationship with others really means. I've experienced changing relationships with family and friends, I've opened my mind and heart to a simpler and more concrete relationship with my higher power (who I know as God), and I have become at peace with different types of romantic relationships that could be possible in my life.

Where do I begin?

FAMILY: At Christmas, I was asked what some of the miracles of the previous year were, and I mentioned my relationship with my dad. That relationship continues to grow and change. I no longer feel scared or intimidated to open up to him and talk to him about what's going on in my life. Whether it's boys, school, work, family, program or faith, no topic is taboo for me any more when talking to my dad. My dad is not the most emotional or the most communicative guy, but my calling every week or every other week regularly has allowed us a chance to practice communicating regularly for the first time in years. He may not always open up right away, but he has started to ask me deeper questions, and he says things that let me know how much he appreciates our regular chats. The reason this relationship is changing is because I'm showing up differently (by showing up at all) and because I'm not afraid to be myself with him. This is truly a miracle for me. I mention it now, because he sent me a Valentine's Day card and a postcard he and Rox got on their trip to Florida last week, AND because he called me at least twice over my birthday weekend (once on my birthday and once the next day) because he knew I wanted to talk to him on/around my birthday. Neither of those things would have happened a year or two ago. It's such a blessing!

CLOSE FRIENDS: A couple weeks back I was able to spend time with my best friend Stephanie for her birthday. Steph, her husband, and their two kids met me and another mutual friend of ours at the Museum of Science and Industry for an afternoon adventure, then we went out to the 'burbs to have dinner and cupcakes. Stephanie and Lori are two women that I have always considered two of my closest women friends, and we've all been through growing pains as the friendships have evolved over the past 6-8 years. I used to be jealous of how close they were and how much more often they hung out. I used to get upset and hurt when either of them would not call or wouldn't be willing to come into the city to hang out. I used to get "irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" (as the suggested opening for Al-Anon meetings says). I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so grateful for their friendship, that I express gratitude any time we do get to talk and hang out. I don't layer on this underlying guilt trip about not being better in touch - I simply enjoy the time I spend with them and try to share myself and learn about their lives in the time we're together. I try to be of service, and I don't try to control. It's been a huge blessing - the friendships have mellowed and strengthened. They are still two of my closest female friends, and I'm more convinced now than ever that they are there for me no matter what, and I can trust them and count on them if I ever need them.

FRIENDSHIP: The ability to be myself and to let go of the need to have everyone be my friend and like me expands beyond my closest friends. My birthday was last weekend, and I hosted two gatherings. One was a dinner/drinks evening at a bar/restaurant near where I work. The other was a girls-only Art Nite at my apartment the evening of my actual birthday. For both events, I invited a large number of people but I had absolutely no expectation about anyone being there. I didn't even have an expectation for my roommate because originally she was going to be out of town, and I had just not quite reverted back to the "Oh, she IS going to be here" mentality. Both events ended up being wonderful. I was so grateful to spend time with the ladies (and a couple gentlemen) who came, and I was not hurt or upset by anyone who couldn't come. I no longer expect the world to stop and have me at their center. I'm grateful for the ones who made time in their schedule to celebrate with me, and I was able to stay in the present moment and enjoy the company of the people there! It's such a blessing to feel genuine surprise, joy, and gratitude for the people who show up in your life. I have found that having no expectations means I don't get disappointed. It doesn't mean I don't have reasonable expectations when appropriate (like people showing up for work), but not having impossibly high standards means people can just show up as they are when they are able and I can celebrate with them. What a change in attitude for me.

ROMANTIC: Another relationship area I'm discovering changed attitudes with is romantic relationships. This one is harder because I have so much anxiety, self-worth, and expectation wound up in my idea of a romantic relationship. Especially after my most recent ex-boyfriend, I don't think I truly understood what a non serious-commitment relationship might look like. I couldn't even tell you or remember what just dating looked like! I'm not sure if I've ever done just dating... although to be fair, the two boys I dated in college were more dating relationships than "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships, and I can see that more now though I did not treat it that way then. A coworker of mine has recently made it known that he finds me attractive and it's too bad we work together or it would be fun to go on a first date. This came up when we were all working Super Bowl Sunday night and it was deader than a doornail in the store. I had read an article on Yahoo's front page that morning called "Five Questions that tell you if its meant to be". It basically talked about five great first date questions to get past the "So, where are you from, what do you do?" questions that are generic and don't always get at the meat of a person. So this guy said to the other couple folks and I that we should all pretend to be on a first date and answer the questions (and one of the other people suggested a sixth question - "If you could go back 10 years and tell yourself something what would it be?") It was a fun night, and it was enjoyable to discover that my ass is distracting ;) It's been a running joke with us all week since he told me, and he said if I'm ever uncomfortable to let him know. It's not, it's flattering. Here's the funny part, and why it has helped change my view on relationships - he's a good guy, I think we would have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. He's cute in his own way, but what I know of him makes me suspect that if we were to ever date, it probably would be a casual dating situation that wouldn't end up anything serious. I could be wrong, who knows, but it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first college boyfriend. And I'm totally okay with that! I would be absolutely fine and interested in spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed and with whom I could share physical attraction. This idea of it being okay to date without expecting a possibly serious long-term commitment is TOTALLY new and foreign to me. I've always been the "I would never date someone I couldn't see a potential future with" person. The problem with that attitude is it creates impossible expectations from the very first date. It's okay to just spend time with, explore physical attraction, and get to know someone without planning a future life together. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I'm not open to dating those type of people either. If, for example, the boy back home and I decided to give it a try, I'd be open to it, and although I have futurized what us being together could look like, I think I'm learning how to be open and in the present and not worried about what the future will be. Probably harder if tested, but my idea of dating and romance and intimate relationships is broadening so I don't feel confined by specific definitions anymore. Dating or otherwise!

FAITH and GOD: Which brings me to the last and final relationship that is starting to shift in a more dramatic way... my relationship with God. And it truly is becoming a RELATIONSHIP. I just finished reading "The Shack" this week. I've never felt a book is particularly or dramatically life-changing before, but this one really got me thinking, or at least put a final sense of clarity on some themes I hadn't quite consciously or concretely formed or thought through in my head. Ideas about God being more than rules and laws, about God desiring to be in relationship with us, God wanting us to surrender our independence so we may have an interdependence on him and his love. The ideas that God (all three persons) loves me no matter what, that he doesn't create evil but that doesn't mean he can't use evil towards his final good purpose - these were not new or unique, but in the context of the book I was able to hear and understand and embrace them. I've been working on turning my will over to God, on being willing and learning to surrender, but I kept getting blocked by my own mind's idea of what those were supposed to mean or look like. In the book, all God asks of us is to accept God's love and accept his invitation to love and serve and be in relationship with him. God wants us to live in him, so that he may live and love through us. I have heard these ideas so many times in context of homilies, or retreat talks, or theological readings. For some reason, this book opened it up for me. It is challenging me to see my faith in a completely new way, to look beyond my previous identity as a Catholic or even a Christian and to truly live and breathe and see others as children of God. I can't express any more excitedly or profoundly how much this has impacted me this week. I feel as though some weight has lifted and puzzle pieces have clicked and locked into place. I get it, and I see more clearly now. It's amazing, absolutely astounding to me.

Alright, so the end has come, and I feel as though I have written a book. I apologized at the beginning and I'll do it again now - sorry for the long and crazy rambling. I hope some of what I've shared has been helpful for you, and if not, thanks for letting me share anyway! Blessings to you today and always!

SNOW DAY!

Normally I blog about more serious things, but when 20 inches of snow falls over the course of 24 hours in Chicago and shuts down the city, I think that's worthy of a blog post :)

Getting home yesterday from work was an adventure... I left about 3:00, and it was as though it was rush hour and the Cubs were playing a night game. The trains were packed, the stations were packed, and it took a bit longer to get home than normal. Luckily, my whole attitude was "Hey, I'm just heading home like everyone else, and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything once I'm there, so I'm in no rush." I certainly didn't let everyone onto the train ahead of me, but I did wait for two trains to go by before I began to be aggressive about getting on one. Totally reasonable and fair, right?

Last night, a friend came over for dinner and ended up spending the night and enjoying the snow storm with us. We have a pretty good view of things from our apartment - we're at the corner of an intersection where our street dead ends into a pretty main thoroughfare. The snow was actually blowing UPWARDS last night, and we did hear some snow thunder and saw some snow lightening. We went out about 9:30-10:00 to see how things looked. We took pictures, made snow angels, just enjoyed the blowing drifting snow! My roommate and I walked two blocks west to a pretty main intersection in our neighborhood and everything was dark and closed! We made a couple more snow angels and walked back (and by walk, I mean "stair-climb hiked"). This morning when we woke up, there was another foot of snow outside, and it was definitely "white out conditions." Things started to taper off by 11:30-12, and that's when my roommate decided to bundle up and go out exploring. She spent three hours outside taking pictures and walking around by the lake with a couple friends. I spent the whole day inside, except for the five minutes I went outside to take pictures of our sidewalk and street, cars and bushes and more! I worked on some art projects, wrote emails, watched movies, took a nap, and more.

The best part about this snow day is I did not have to work, and I had no other obligations. I was supposed to give a lead at the meeting tonight but decided not to make the trek out into the snow and cold, and it worked out because a few people who lived closer were able to fill in! I was able to relax, be creative, rest, spend time with my roommate, and not worry. It was a phenomenal day, and I'm grateful for the forced/self-imposed day of rest :)