Bri and Sully

It's been a long journey, but we are back together and we are better than ever!

We started dating in late October, broke up after three weeks, got back together (gradual process, by December 1st), broke up in mid-late January, then spent almost 3 months working through a LOT of stuff before we were able to acknowledge that we love each other and we want to work through the rest together. It's been amazing ever since.

The big issues were many-fold:
1) physical intimacy and the role faith/religion plays in the physical;
2) getting settled into a new city and new living environment with a new job and new responsibilities and new challenges making/keeping friends;
3) facing fears and what was motivating the fears (residual hurt and low self-confidence on some levels from previous relationships).

Most of it was stuff I had to work on myself, because most of it I didn't really think about or realize until after the break up (#1 I knew about for sure on some level, #2 to some extent but not as much as #1, and #3 not at all until much later). The last break up in January HAD to happen in order for me to deal with some of these issues and begin exploring them in a way that I was able to articulate.

Luckily, Sully loves me and was able to be patient and supportive, despite some rather unpleasant moments we've had. Valentine’s Day was AWFUL. Not only was it a day based on romance on which we happened to have Marquette basketball tickets, but he was miserably sick and we had some major transportation issues. Needless to say, that was NOT our finest hour. Nor was the Marquette/Pittsburgh weekend in Milwaukee. Oh lord, that is something I hope to NEVER repeat. Sully and I were just at each other’s throats the whole weekend, for real reason other than it was awkward being with the ex. I was able to get along fine with his friends and his sister, but the two of us needed to be kept FAR apart. That was awful too.

However, I had written him a letter attempting to explain some things back in February and he was able to be extremely sweet and supportive when my grandma died (yea, she died. I’m now an orphan grandchild, no living grandparents remaining. It’s REALLY sad, and I miss her SO FREAKING MUCH. Anyway, that's another story). Sully and I were able to finally talk about the letter and us some when we went down to St. Louis for Katie B’s wedding. We left it at, yes we care about each other but we’re not sure we’re ready for or interested in dating again. We decided to just keep having open and honest communication.

On Holy Thursday I went to Mass with Sully and Suzette. I had had a really interesting conversation with my spiritual director earlier than week about being too hard on myself and learning to love myself and learning to let go of the hurt/anger of this previous relationship, something I had never let myself do before. Among many things, these themes were things I was processing. Well Sully and I talked for about 3 hours Thursday night, then Suzette and I talked for 3 hours Friday night. I decided to do this journal/scrapbook exercise taking all the pictures of me and my ex and scrapbooking them, then writing a letter in the blank spaces.

Easter Sunday I spent with Sully's family on the southside. It was wonderful to see his parents and sister (who's been like a little sister to me), and it was nice to see his aunt and grandma again. His cousin's 4-year old son Austin and I really hit it off too, which was fun (I love kids). It was amazing to see the look on Sully's face when he saw me with Austin... it looked like I just melted his heart, and he said "I didn't realize how good you were with kids!" It was nice to see that and have that. Anyway, after dinner Sully drove me home. I had decided I wanted to burn the scrapbook pages, and do it with him, so we did that together when we got home. I had also recorded myself reading the the letter part so I played it while we burned it. We talked for a little bit, kissed a little bit, and ended up acknowledging that we love each other and yes we want to work through the rest of life's challenges together.

We're both extremely happy right now. We've talked long-term (marriage, kids, money, careers) and we're looking forward to many road trips and adventures and dates and long conversations together!

Chi-town Dinners

I always wanted to be part of something like this. Chi-Town Dinners is a group of people who meet every other week at a different restaurant. There are probably like 40 people on the list, but every week is a different selection of 6-16 people! The premise behind forming the group was twofold -- one, to bring together multiple sets of friends for social networking; and two, to explore the MANY dining experiences Chicago has to offer!

It has been a really fun adventure, and it's a guarantee social event on the calendar every other week! People have been taking turns picking the place, and it's cool to see what new place people come up with. We've had Mexican, Italian, Indian, Thai, a neighborhood pub, and more. Eventually, obviously, we're going to have to start repeating types, but that's totally ok! The only requirements are the restaurant has to be CTA accessible (public transportation) since very few of us have cars and there has to be menu options under $10 since many of us are relatively "poor." Obviously not POOR if we're going out to dinner every other week, but relatively speaking we don't have loads of money to spend on dining out food.

The best part about it, besides the exploration, is the forming of new friendships. AND it's a totally neutral way to get to know new people, coworkers, or random people you've met at other events. Invite them to Chi-Town Dinners, and it's a totally fun experience and they can chat with you and with other people! No pressure to get along splendidly! It would actually be an ideal "early date" option, as it would be a group date versus a one-on-one date (which sometimes intimidates people). Plus you can learn a lot about a person in a social/group setting!

I love Chi-Town Dinners. As the group grows and changes, I hope we can keep this up!

The Power of Thank You's

Never underestimate the power of thank you's and kind words.

This is something I've learned throughout the course of my life, from my father and mother respectively hounding me to write thank you's to my relatives for Christmas or birthday gifts or checks (once I got older anyway) to the insistence by people in my profession that "Thank you's go a long way towards building positive donor relationships." I've learned it first-hand -- you would not believe how touched people are to get a hand-written thank you card, even if it's just a few sentences long saying "What you did meant a lot, it helped me do this, and for you I'm grateful." I will ALWAYS be a believer in thank yous, even if it's the most mundane thing ever or you have a few hundred of them to write!

Kind words go the same way. There's this book called "The Five Love Languages" and it talks about the five ways in which people feel loved and express love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, and Physical Touch. It's primarily meant as a book for couples (particularly married couples) but some of the concepts relate to all relationships. I've learned that I don't particularly need words of affirmation in my friendships and romantic relationships to know I'm loved and cared for -- with them, I often need quality time and thoughtful acts/gestures (combination gift/service). However, at work I desparately need words of affirmation. I'm not as confident in my abilities and I want to please people more, so their words of affirmation are a lot more important. People thanking me for helping with a project or telling me that I did a great job with some event or expressing their gratitude for how personable I am… those are the things I need to hear at work. People don’t nice things for me or giving me things isn’t as necessary, and HELLO we work together so “quality time” is not an issue. It’s the conversations and relationships built that way that mean the most. This is why I go out of my way to say thank you when someone helps me, to express gratitude over someone’s friendship, or to make conversation with those people who have done/said kind things to me. This is just one example of how easy it is to make things better through the simple act of acknowledging others through thanks, kindness, and conversation.