Prayer

From November 16th --

"Lord, help me not to be afraid, and help me to know your truth. Bless us and our friendship, and should you desire us to be together in a way stronger than friendship please guide our hearts and help us to go at it together, as partners. Help us to love each other or whomever you desire us to love. Help us to love you and desire to know you more as you bless our lives in rich and unending ways. Take care of our families and watch over our friends, and please bring to us to life and happiness together in you."

Amen.

Oh My Pete -- I'm Glad I'm Not a Teacher

Our K-2 English teacher is out of town today (for a court date) and tomorrow (for a wedding her husband is in this weekend). They couldn't find a substitute for today, so I (blindly) offered to give the teachers a 30 minute break so they could eat lunch. BAD IDEA. Well, not a bad idea in theory. The teachers deserve a break, and they need to eat lunch. However, the horror stories I've heard about these classes were nothing compared to actually being in there. Kindergarten at least was having naptime, so I only had to deal with a feq squirmy kids who were talking to themselves and moving around while the others tried to sleep. However, first and second grade were awful. The boys in both grades are extremely disrespectful -- they don't listen to authority. They don't respond to The Look, sending them to their seats, harsh tones of voice, or threats of being sent to the Principal or peer pressure to be better than the other grade. I don't have anything to bribe them with, and the way they were acting I wouldn't bribe them anyway (nor would they respond). Everything I've ever seen teachers do didn't work for me with these kids. It was horrible. There were three first grade boys that would not stop talking and would not stop making fun of a couple of the girls (one of whom starting kicking and hitting at one of the boys). The second grade boys were sneaking candy (I made them throw it away if I caught them) and were constantly moving and touching each other (and making inappropriate remarks and motions). I had heard from Erica what a handful they are, and how awful they were... I just hadn't quite witnessed it myself. The thing is, they usually behave for visitors reasonably well, but for me (maybe because they see me around and I don't act like a teacher/authority figure) they would NOT settle down. The second grade was so calm and quiet when I went in there, but then they all went crazy, and then when Veronica came back in it was quiet again. NUTS. I feel like I've been through a marathon.

As much as it was crazy and I was glad to get out of those classrooms, it was a nice break from sitting at my computer doing my usual work and thinking about things I can't control and things I have a tendency to overanalyze. One of the kindergarteners today looked so sad when she was lying on her mat trying to take a nap. It felt like she almost wanted to cry, and I totally understood. For some reason I feel like I'm not quite holding it together as much as I'd like or in the way I thought. I screwed up, but with God's grade I can move on. It's just very hard, and confusing. Oh well, I have to deal with it eventually.

My dear friend Karen wrote this wonderful email to me yesterday. I had to re-read it today because I didn't quite understand it the first time I read it (in passing) yesterday, but it had some great thoughts about love and relationships. She's right though, about there being no problem with being "tied down" because that means we have people we love in our life. There was more to it than that, but the gist was that being tied down does not always have to mean a negative thing, and there is not necessarily an age limit on knowing whether or not you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am really looking forward to this long weekend. I don't care what I do, because I know I have a few things going on, like doing Senior Bingo with YPC on Saturday afternoon, going to the School Yard Saturday night with Marquette peeps, going to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel for the second week in a row for Mass, and sleeping in on Monday. Whatever else fills in the time, I'm excited for that too. Even if Sully and I end up doing something for his birthday Monday afternoon/evening.

I love you all, even though I doubt many people even read this. It's just nice to know the void is out there, "listening" to my ramblings. Pray for me, if you pray, and know I think of you often.

Defying Gravity

The following are lyrics from "Defying Gravity" a song from the musical Wicked. Sully and I saw this show this past Friday night as my birthday present from him. I cried three times during the show, and this was one of the songs I cried during. The other one was the song "For Good" which I've also included. It's amazing how the arts can really relate to your life at times -- that's what I love about live theater. Each day and week I am gaining more clarity and understanding. I feel like I am growing up so much in these months since moving to Chicago, but there are times I also feel still so young and naive. I hope someday the maturing I've done and the naivete I feel will balance each other out, and I'll be able to be that person I want and hope to be! Until then, I'm working on defying gravity ;)

DEFYING GRAVITY

Something has changed within me * Something is not the same * I'm through with playing by the rules * Of someone else's game * Too late for second-guessing * Too late to go back to sleep * It's time to trust my instincts * Close my eyes and leap * It's time to try * Defying gravity * I think I'll try * Defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits * 'Cuz someone says they're so * Some things I cannot change * But 'till I try, I'll never know * Too long I've been afraid of * Losing love - I guess I have lost * Well, if that's love * It comes at much too high a cost * I'd sooner buy * Defying gravity * Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity * And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me * Look to the western sky * As someone told me lately * Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly * And if I'm flying solo * At least I'm flying free * To those who'd ground me * Take a message back from me * Tell them how I * Am defying gravity! * I'm flying high * Defying gravity!

FOR GOOD

I've heard it said * That people come into our lives for a reason * Bringing something we must learn * And we are led * To those who help us most to grow * If we let them * And we help them in return * Well, I don't know if I believe that's true * But I know I'm who I am today * Because I knew you

It well may be * That we will never meet again * In this lifetime * So let me say before we part * So much of me * Is made of what I learned from you * You'll be with me * Like a handprint on my heart * And now whatever way our stories end * I know you have re-written mine * By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been * Changed for the better? * I do believe I have been * Changed for the better * Because I knew you... * I have been changed for good.