Know Thyself

One of my favorite blogs to catch up on is The Happiness Project, a fun-loving look at how to be a happy person and live a happy life. Sometimes the posts are silly, but more often than not I find something really relevant that gets me thinking.

A recent post looked back on the Happiness Project Challenge for 2011. The author posted periodically throughout the year on topics related to becoming happier. One was about knowing thyself. She asks, "Is self-knowledge THE key to happiness?" After looking back on some of her tips for self-awareness -- knowing who your personal patron saints (inspirations) are, what are your anxiety "tells", and observing what you already do to help you find clues to what makes you happy -- a light bulb seems to turn on and she ponders whether the journey of self-discovery is in fact simultaneously embedded with the journey towards happiness.

I have to say, I think it is. Over the years, I've done a lot of self-reflecting. On retreats, in spiritual direction, in counseling, trying out different careers and hobbies, looking at my personality characteristics (Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, even my Zodiac sign), and now in Al-Anon, the more I've become aware of myself, the more at peace I've been. Once I learn something, I can usually accept it. Knowledge becomes a tool to both improve areas I need to improve and strengthen the areas that are already strong or good. In Al-Anon, it's about helping remove defects of character and build on my character assets. In spirituality, it's about recognizing the gifts and talents I get from God and building a life focused on using those to serve other people, not trying to force happiness or force talents that aren't as strong or natural.

I don't know who my patron saints are. Perhaps over this next year I'll spend some time reading about people and seeing who could be on that list. What do I do? I can take stock of those activities too, and see what they say about me. And identifying my "tells" - these are great little tricks to learn more about myself and find more peace and serenity.

Today was an amazing day. No real reason, just a day I felt completely myself and loved who I was and what I was able to do. Days like this are truly the best kind of days. Hopefully I can continue embracing this feeling and ride it out for a while. I know it will pass, because both good and bad feelings do, but for today I am going to LOVE it and love me in the process. Just another step on the road of self awareness and self-acceptance :-)

Application Update

After three years, I have officially done everything I can do to apply for graduate school. I've taken the prerequisite classes, done the application, had the in-person interview. I took stock of my personal goals and ambitions regarding art therapy, I became an artist and put together a portfolio, I took a spiritual stance and turned it all over to God. I was able to be myself, and be comfortable and confident and open. Now I'm in the place of waiting (for 2-3 weeks), and praying for acceptance of whatever outcome arrives. Most days I'm confident and willing to believe I got in... some moments I have a sudden fit of fear that I didn't. That fear is rooted in me just not being good enough. It's not a very strong or frequent fear, because I felt so natural and comfortable in the entire process. I know whatever the outcome, the journey has been so worth it, and I know I'm where God wants me. I have faith everything will work out as it's meant to... I just really hope it works out for me to get in :)

Another area I'm working on accepting and turning over is relationships. I am actually in a good place. I remember a friend once saying she used to pray that God would help make her and her future husband (whoever he was) become ready for each other. I could never fully get behind that prayer, even though I loved the idea, because I wanted to be in control. I'm starting to get it though. There is one man in my life I could somewhat see being a good partner. And maybe not! I don't really know. I'm not sure if there's even the right chemistry there, or if our age difference would be a deterrent, or various other things. And there are, and could be, other potential romantic partners in each of our lives, which is totally cool. Unfortunately, I've become somewhat obsessed about it, because we've become really good friends and are in each other's lives with some frequency and consistency. I know how controlling and obsessing are NOT good and make me needy and bossy and not really my true self. So I'm working on praying for me, and for us both. I have to remind myself that God has a perfect partner out there for each of us, and I pray we each become ready to have that person entire our lives in that way. I really do believe God has a wonderful plan for me, and for this man, because he loves us so much. I know my plan and my will are nothing but trouble, so I am by default going to trust in God's plan and turn the reins over to him. I have to keep myself out of the way, and continually step back and not force, not push, just be me and let go. It's a daily struggle, but so far it seems to be working better than previous relationship interests. That's good! And that's God :)

This ended up being much more journal-esqe than blog-worthy tonight, but that's okay. Sometimes you just need to say what's in your heart and on your mind, regardless of what it is.

Blessings in the coming days, and prayers for patience for anyone waiting for anything. I'm right there with you :-)