I re-read my blog post from June 17th and it amazes me how after two months so little has changed. I feel like I've changed, some ways for the good and other ways not so much.
I still struggle at work. Yesterday a customer complained about me being rude and short/snappish with her. It was in the middle of our crazy Saturday afternoon rush. I was in the pocket, I was passing out drinks, trying to see who was missing what, making drinks, and that is a lot for one person to deal with in that particular position. This is not the first time I've been short with a customer in that situation, and honestly I don't even know WHICH customer it was (I heard about it second-hand after the fact). But it hurt me, mostly it hurt my pride but it also was a humbling experience because I felt like all the negativity I've been feeling somehow came out in that interaction and someone finally said something about.
I've been feeling crappy. I've been totally in my head, and I've been feeling judgemental, arrogant, self-absorbed, frustrated, angry, resentful, and stuck. I have complete and total control over my attitudes and I keep choosing to bring a bad one to work because I feel beat down by the negativity I see in the environment there. I cannot seem to allow God to help me remain cheerful, polite, hopeful, or helpful when I feel angry or resentful.
My sponsor would tell me I'm in my head, that I need to detach from it, that I need to practice gratitude, keep my mouth shut, and continue to show up and be of service. I know this, in my head I KNOW this to be true. And yet when I'm headed to work I can't help but feel like I'm preparing for battle. I can't seem to believe that today will be a good day or believe that things will be smooth or fun. I used to believe work would be fun and interesting, and I used to look forward to and ENJOY going to this job. The job has not changed. The team has. The management has. But so has my own attitude.
I think part of it has to do with futurizing. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally starting to put together my grad school application and in a year I will hopefully be starting that next chapter of my life. I only have one more year left (I hope) of working part-time at Starbucks, of pre-requisites and community college classes. In a year, I will finally be where I've been working towards for 2 (will have been 3) years.
At the same time, I've now done a lot of personal work, work on being more present and detached in my relationships, on letting go of control, of being supportive without having to be right, of learning how to communicate expectations and set boundaries better. I'm not perfect at it, but I do feel like I do a better job than I used to. And I'm ready for the next romantic relationship, whether it's with someone I end up spending my life with or whether it's just the next person to share the next part of my journey with. I'm ready for that opportunity. In the grand scheme of things, I'm ready for marriage and a family. I'm 28 years old, and while I want my grad school education and I want to get my Masters in Art Therapy, I also really want to be a wife and mom. I'm ready for that part of my life to start. I think I've grieved some this summer in that respect - after things with the boy at work went to shit and he transferred, after the boy from home came to visit and there wasn't ANY spark or ANY real connection at all, and after I said hi to my ex last week and brought up all those feelings all over again (even though it's been three years). I'm grieving. I can let it go, let them all go, but I still grieve them.
Add to that, I'm still working on boundaries with my mom. I'm realizing how judgmental I am with her, how hard it is for me to let her in, and how hard it is for me to see her as human and as my equal. I have a lot of work to do in terms of healing and improving that relationship. Things with my Dad are so good and getting so much better, and I wish it could be that easy with Mom. Mom and I just have more history and I have more resentment towards her. I let a lot of that go in my 4th and 5th step, but apparently I have more to let go of and give over to God.
Anyway, this is just a message to the void... I need prayers, and I need help. I pray to God every day, and I still know I'm taken care of and okay. But I need to turn my will over to him and trust that I'll be okay even when I don't always feel great.
