Stillness

This month I celebrated the one-year anniversary of coming into Al-Anon. As a fellowship and program for friends and families of alcoholics, it provides a safe space for those of us with loved ones who drink to talk, share, and find some peace and serenity. What most don't realize when coming in is that Al-Anon helps change ourselves so we can think and behave differently when faced with life's challenges, whether it's the alcoholic(s) in our lives or not.

I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.

One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.

This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.

This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.

I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.

So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.

Willingness

Tonight I am giving a lead/reflection on the topic of Willingness and Self-Care at my Al-Anon meeting. The idea of "willingness" came up when I was reflecting on my prayer and how it had changed over the course of this first year in program. A friend I was talking to one day pointed out that I needed to be willing to ask for what I needed, otherwise I would continue to expect things from people who might not have any idea what I needed or wanted from them. It came down to being clear and direct in my expectations and also becoming aware of what I truly need to get by day-to-day. It doesn't have to be major things, even something simple like an air-conditioner or a nap, but it could also be asking for someone's prayers or asking for financial help when I'm in a bind or assistance moving furniture because I can't do it by myself. The ideas of being able to ask and being willing to ask are concepts I didn't really understand until I came into Al-Anon and started working the steps. I used to think I was asking for God's help or seeking God's will, but I didn't really know what to ask for or what I really needed. My boundaries are becoming clearer, and therefore my prayers are becoming clearer. I now pray for the willingness to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn things over to God, and to be of humble service. That's my daily mantra, and all my actions, thoughts, and prayers try to center on those core ideas. If I need to take a step back and go to another room because a coworker or customer is triggering me, I can do that. I can ask God for the willingness and ability to do that. If I know I need prayers going into a particular situation that may be stressful or exhausting, I can ask for God's grace and peace to be with me, and I can ask my friends (in and out of program) to pray for me. I can turn over my concerns at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, and know at my deepest core that God has it taken care of, and I am going to be okay. I can also willingly do things for others, even if it seems like I'm giving more than I'm getting. I still struggle with the idea of doing for others even when I am not getting something in return, but I'm learning where to place my boundaries and stop giving when my tank is running empty. That prevents me from getting over-extended and then getting resentful.

Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.

I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.

I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!