In April I began my Al-Anon 12-step work, and have found it to be a fascinating journey so far. Although Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics, we work the 12 steps of AA ourselves. In Al-Anon we find that changing our perspectives, our thinking, and our behaviors can have a profound effect in improving the relationships and situations we find ourselves in. I've been in Al-Anon since October 2009 (nearly 8 months now), and am already feeling and finding change happening within me. Friends I see regularly and those I see very rarely have all commented on the joy and glow that seems to be radiating out of me. I don't notice it particularly myself, but I do know and feel that I have a bit more internal peace and happiness than I did 6, 9, 12 months ago. It is amazing to me how much has changed in such a short amount of time. And as I continue working my steps, even more change will occur. I remember thinking the other night as I hustled between my own Starbucks store and one three blocks away that got slammed during a sunny and busy holiday weekend evening and needed an extra hand - "I feel like I'm going to come out of this summer wondering what the HELL just happened?!" I just have a sense that a lot of change will happen this summer, and a lot of it will be positive. We'll see if that materializes. I can't worry about what life will be like in August, I can only think about what I'm going to do with today and how I'm going to make the most of this beautiful, sunny, summer Tuesday day off.
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
