One of the best things about Netflix is the Instant Watch capability, and the fact that all four seasons of LOST are on Instant Watch. This means that on any given day, whether I'm trying to muddle my way through Abnormal Psychology, exercising on the elliptical, or taking notes on Child Development, I can re-watch my favorite episodes in rapid order without waiting a week between episodes during the regular season. :)
I just finished Season 3 of LOST, and one of the last episodes involves Charlie, the former heroin addict who falls in love with the pregnant girl Clare and her born-on-the-island son Aaron. He ends up sacrificing his life to help his fellow survivors get rescued. Towards the end, before he embarks on his dangerous mission, he writes a note to Clare that includes the "5 Best Moments" of his life, his "greatest hits." I was thinking about that after watching the episode, wondering what my top 5 would be during this first 26.5 years of my life.
I couldn't think of any. Or at least I couldn't come up with five.
I guess some things that pop into my head are...
-The day I realized how at home I was at Cabrini Academy and how much I truly loved those kids.
-The day I received the "Most Spirited E'gal" award during my junior year of high school, because it made me feel as though my fellow JV dance team members truly appreciated all the behind-the-scenes encouragement and support I gave, even if it wasn't always reciprocated.
-The day I called my mom, who was in Kentucky visiting with my aunts for the Kentucky Derby, and I was unabashedly in love and was able to be giddy girly with them.
-The day my grandma gave me my graduation quilt, and I had a memory of all my Colton family members and how much they loved me.
-My first Tuesday Night Mass at Joan of Arc chapel on Marquette's campus.... still get chills remembering how powerful it was.
Okay, so maybe I do have a few. It was hard to come up with them - do you think of the five days you were the happiest? the five moments that are the most memorable, the most exciting, the most freeing? Do you remember the five times when you felt at home, at peace, that all was right with the world? Were they moments that were great in themselves or moments that were great because of the circumstances and events that preceeded and succeeded from them?
Just something to think about...
One other thing, as I continue this excruciating journey of self-discovery and self-awareness (I feel like I'm a recovering addict, but I guess codepdency comes in all forms, not just substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. - sometimes we all have a bit of dysfunctional or codependent thinking, and I for one have probably lived with it for years). My friend Dominic made a great point to me tonight, and while I've heard it from many people at many times (especially over the past couple years)... I'm too hard on myself, I think too much/overanalyze too much, and I allow my happiness to be too dependent on what other people think of me (and how others are feeling). I have to learn to feel for myself, to be happy for ME because I'm ME and on MY OWN, and I have to not get so caught up in my relationships with other people. He's right, and I appreciated it, but it's so hard. I've spent nearly 27 years focused on pleasing others and wanting other people to like me, and I've never really learned to like myself. I'm not really sure how.
Audrey, my beloved roommate, has told me that while it's hard, I'm not in a bad place. I can function, and I have a healthy self-awareness. I have to learn to claim my successes, to identify and claim my joys, and to rejoice in who I am and who God made me to be.
This is so much harder said than done, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. But I keep revisiting the idea of Al-Anon and seeing a counselor... tomorrow is a me-day, so perhaps I'll initiate both of those tomorrow.
Until then, I'll keep in prayer my journey to re-claim ME. JUST ME. Unconditionally loved by God, friends, and family. ME.
Have a great night!
