Something Fun!

I'm very aware that my last several blogs, and really a good chunk of the last month or two, have really been serious, intense, and sometimes depressing. They've very much shown my struggles in a lot of ways, and I've had a lot of deep soul-searching going on.

But that way of life can be VERY energy-draining if it's not interrupted or not surrounded by moments of pure happiness and fun. Which is exactly what my roommate and I experienced last Friday afternoon.

Audrey took the GRE Friday morning, and I worked until 1:30. It was going to be a long afternoon at my store, with someone calling off and the weather being beautiful (60 degrees and sunny). At the end of my shift though, I took off. I did not feel any guilt, didn't even care what was going to happen after I left. My roommate and I had been planning this fun afternoon (of what we didn't know) to celebrate her finishing the GRE for weeks, and I was thrilled with the prospect of not being inside on such a nice day!

And so we wandered! We walked down Michigan Avenue, stopped in random stores like Crate and Barrel and The Disney Store, just for fun. We went into Water Tower Place because they have a new Vera Bradley store and also found a great little artsy-fartsy store called Chiaroscuro. It was fun to just BE PRESENT, to wander with no plan, to just chat and be goofy and enjoy the sunshine and each other's company. We stopped at the grocery and bought stuff to make a very special and delicious dinner, after which we cleaned up and joked about how messy our kitchen is and how hard it is to clean up.

This has been a running inside joke for us since we moved in, and we both realized we hadn't shared that joke in WEEKS.

The whole day was striking. Neither of us realized quite how stressed out we'd been, or how much we'd been holding it in. I know I internalize a lot of stress and don't always know how much stress I'm hiding. It often comes as a surprise when I relax or unwind and discover just how stressed I've been.

So, our mutual agreement is to try to recognize our stress sooner, to find healthy ways to voice things when we'd normally hold everything in, and to keep each other accountable regarding fun and laughter and joking.

Laughter truly is the best medicine and can make stress dissipate in a flash. As it says in AA's Big Book - "We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life! So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and have been given the power to help others." (page 132, in the chapter "The Family Afterward")

I needed this reminder, especially as I continue making my way through the intense and sometimes painful 4th step process, and as I finish the semester and begin to look seriously at grad school applications and what I need for my portfolio. I have to remember to stop and HAVE FUN :)

Spiritual Journey

I've been aware over the past 7 weeks or so that my relationship with God and my relationship with organized religion are on two different paths. While I feel like I am closer to God than I ever have been before, I've also felt very separated from the Church and from a "worship" community. Don't get my wrong, this separation is not a negative thing. I actually feel more confident in my belief and faith in God than I ever have. The daily prayers I say are not just words:

"God, I offer myself to you, to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always." (Third Step Prayer)

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen." (Seventh Step Prayer)

"Give me a willing heart, oh God: willingness to take care of myself, to ask for what I need, to turn things over to you, and to be of humble service." (my own prayer)

Combined with reading the section from "How it Works" and the meditations in "Courage to Change", I feel inspired and connected to my higher power, whom I call God, every day. Each of these offers 1-2 line reminders I can touch base with throughout the day, to ground me, and remind me why I'm here. I'm here to be of service to others. I'm here to love and serve God, and love and serve others. I actually heard that in last night's Holy Thursday homily, though I didn't get it right away. Fr. Manny at St. Clement Church talked about Holy Thursday being the feast of the stole and the towel - the stole representing unity between us and the Eucharist (Jesus' ultimate gift of self/love and his covenant/promise to us) and the towel representing Jesus' and our unity with humanity (washing of the feet was a sign of service and humility, a humbling of God to wash the feet/serve/forgive humanity). Love and serve. That is our primary purpose!

It was good to be at Holy Thursday service last night. I love St. Clement's liturgies - there is always sincerity and reverence and power in them, especially their Triduum services. And although it felt good to be back in a familiar place with familiar ritual, I didn't feel connected to them. It didn't mean anything to me. I participated, and I prayed, but I did not feel connected or inspired or fulfilled. I come out of my Al-Anon meetings feeling much more connected to God, much more inspired, much stronger and lighter and freer than I do coming out of church. I never thought this would happen... I should be surprised but I'm not. Al-Anon and the 12 steps have broken down a complicated spirituality built around rules, traditions, rigidness, politics, and human flaws into its most basic foundation. While I don't currently feel I have a worship community, I also don't feel I need one. I DO have a faith community, my Al-Anon community, and for right now I think that's all I need.

I am not anti-Church or anti-religion. I know both offer many of my friends and family members and millions of others a place of belonging and inspiration and love. It's just not where I'm at in my faith journey. God and I are working on strengthening and learning what the foundation of our relationship is, on building up trust in him and believing in the love he has for me (and love I have for him, myself, and others). I could NEVER do that in the context of a church setting, no matter how many retreats I went on or days of reflection I attended, no matter what I did for spiritual direction or how many different churches/Masses I tried, no matter how much I tried to learn and intellectualize my faith. I never really grew and I felt my faith never really deepened. I often felt stuck.

Faith is about having the courage to believe in God no matter what happens in your life, to trust him when you feel all alone and vulnerable, to learn to love and accept love because you KNOW he loves you no matter what (and always has). There is a REASON the 12 steps were written in the order they were written. Steps 1-3 build the foundation for this courage, faith, acceptance, etc. The 4th step is hard, it is challenging, it threatens all of the faith and courage and changes and love one starts to experience in the first three steps. It strips you completely bare, and then you get to start over and rebuild from the ground up, basing your life and identity and structure on the GOOD inside you, the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE God has for you (and you learn to have for yourself). Your faith may be tested, it may be shaky at times, you may want to give up and run away. But deep down, hopefully, you know you're safe and taken care of, and that is enough.

I know this is what's happening for me, and I am grateful to have found Al-Anon and the 12 steps to help me finally deepen and grow in my faith. I reflect on this now because it's Easter weekend, and I haven't participated in Lent at all. I went to Holy Thursday service, but I will probably skip Good Friday. I may go to Mass Sunday morning for Easter, but I'll decide tomorrow or Sunday. It's not an important part of my spiritual journey right now. And while I would normally feel guilty, I don't. I will never apologize for trying to improve my relationship with God, regardless of whether the 12 steps took me out of my "Catholic" faith community and beliefs. It's not important to me how I grow closer to God, just that I am. For now, THAT is enough.

I don't have to be the same person I was

This past week was incredibly painful. Last night I read an entry in the Archdiocese of Chicago's Young Adult Ministry Lenten Reflection Blog about the difference between pain and suffering. Christina shares this insight, "We as humans are able to tolerate so much pain – knowing that our pain is getting us somewhere or it is some form of tough love. But when our pain isn’t productive, we can easily begin to suffer in our disappointment."

The pain I experienced this past week was emotional pain, yes, but it did not quite reach the threshold of suffering. I cried and sobbed and grieved, but it was part of the process I'm in. I finished writing all my resentments, what they affected, and what my part was for grade school on Wednesday night. I was only 14 years into my 28-year life story, and already I saw patterns. I easily saw the reasons why I couldn't seem to make or keep friends, and I easily saw how little self-esteem and self-confidence I had from the time I was very little. I saw how I got stuck in my head and relied on my own distorted views of life because I was an only child, a latchkey kid, and didn't have any peers or reliable adult role models. I saw how clingy I was, how hard I tried to fit in, how I tried to force friendships and connections and shut down when things didn't seem to be going my way. I saw how selfish I was, but I grieved for the little girl who felt she had to be that selfish to survive.

Immediately after grade school is high school, obviously, and I discovered something I probably knew in the back of my mind but didn't really address until I started writing. The first resentment on my high school list is actually my #1 resentment from my entire life, which is amazing to me. However, the three years I spent on dance team were probably the last three years I ever truly threw my entire heart and soul into something. And I was constantly let down, constantly left out, constantly not good enough. When I finally decided to quit dance team after junior year, it was also when my friendships with people I'd known since 9th grade were getting flushed down the toilet because of a stupid mistake on my part (and an unwillingness to try and reconcile/work it out on their part). Writing about dance team was the hardest writing I've ever had to do. It physically made me ill, and I could hardly put pen to paper. I wrote about choir next, another set I struggled to stay detached from while writing. Next I'm writing about that group of girlfriends where everything went wrong and I've been ostracized from them for 11 years. High School does not have a lot of positive memories for me, and I know it'll all be hard writing. I'm trying to keep pushing through and keep writing, but it is painful.

But like Christina distinguished, it has not moved into the stage of suffering. This pain has a purpose, absolutely 100% has a purpose. The 12 Steps are about Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. I'm becoming aware of my patterns, my former ways of doing things. I have to learn to accept them, accept the past that happened, and then let it all go. I have to accept that sometimes I'll still act out of these deep-rooted patterns, but I can now let them go and accept whatever outcome. I can also take action - I can't change the past, but I can make amends and apologize for wrong-doing on my part. I can also change my behaviors so I don't continue the patterns to the best of my ability in the future. All of this requires an enormous courage and reliance on God. There are days I feel it, there are times I know I'm taken care of and loved by a wise and wonderful and gentle and loving higher power. But writing about high school, I just feel all the crap, I don't feel loved, and so I struggle with that reminder that God loved me then and still loves me now.

What I have to remember is this: I am not the same person I was 14 years ago when I started high school. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago when I graduated, or 6 years ago when I left college, or 3 years ago when Sully and I broke up, or 18 months ago when I entered the rooms for the first time. I am not the same person I was, AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE! I get to be different today. I get to choose how I want to act, and what I want to say. I can choose a more loving, caring, gentle, happy track. I don't have to rely on other people to tell me who I am or tell me I'm accepted. I get to find and create and have my OWN identity. I get to know I'm loved and accepted, just by trusting in God, and learning to love and accept myself.

I know I still struggle with some of the patterns I'm seeing. The boy at work is getting the same treatment my dear friend Ryan did all throughout college. How and why Ryan stuck around I will never know, because I was completely crazy with him. But he did, and he's now one of my dearest friends, and his fiance Julie is as well. I struggle with feeling like I have to force connections with people I feel connected to - I just want to create that intimacy and have that friendship and I want it NOW. Sometimes I can let it go, and just let things take time. Sometimes, I can't. Luckily, I think I'm learning to pull back and RELAX and breathe quicker than I did before, so even when I get intense and needy and pushy, like I did this week when I was caught up in all the emotion and grief of my 4th step, I can pull back and let go a little bit easier. I don't have to put up a wall or shut down my emotions, I just need to be more appropriate with how, where, when, why, and to whom I express them.

It's a learning process, and a painful one sometimes, but I'm getting there.

Creative Identity

God moments came in all shapes and sizes. Last fall, the receptionist at my eye doctor's office and I got to chatting, and it turned out a friend of hers was interested in art therapy too. The receptionist thought her friend was already in the program I mentioned, but it turned out she was just interested in applying there. Five months after we have this conversation, she suggests us as friends on Facebook. We have now been hanging out and chatting, and are quickly becoming friends. Not only do we share a passion for art and art therapy, but I've also found I can share program principles with her.

The timing of us meeting and the topics we've already been able to discuss are profound, and truly make me appreciate the patience and trust I've learned and gained throughout my 18 months in program. It has also given me a new lens to reflect on my own journey into the career path of art therapy, and my own personal creative journey.

During her interview for the Masters program last week, some of the questions she said they asked centered on obstacles in life, art therapy, what it means, why she wants to do it, etc. The personal statement portion of the application has a similar outline - "Why this school, why art therapy, why now?" I think about what my creative outlets used to be, and why I seek to be an art therapist. I used to be scrapbook and journal as my primary artistic outlets. However, I don't scrapbook at all anymore, and my writing is now in the form of blog posts (and 4th step writing). I see those old outlets in a new way - journal-writing had a tendency to be obsessive and analytical, trying to fix, manage, control, solve, and change through writing about the same topics all the time. Taking photos and making scrapbooks proved I was there, I was accepted, I was part of something, I was included. I don't need to prove I'm part of something anymore, and I don't need to obsessively analyze situations. I have a different way of processing (praying, talking it out with a sponsor or friend, then letting go of the outcome and making amends if I did something wrong). I also have a different motivation for being creative - I want to help people, and I want to express myself, whoever I am (I'm still learning). I want to use the practice of art-making and the varied and mixed media available to me to create pieces that represent me. They don't have to prove anything, and they don't even have to have a particular underlying meaning unless I attach one. I just want to express myself and make something cool.

It is a complete God-thing that I'm working through these first 4-7 steps while I'm
taking pre-requisites for an art therapy Masters program and shaping/discovering my own creative identity. I'm learning to put faith and trust in God and his will for me, and I'm shedding old behaviors (personal relationships and old ways of expressing myself creatively), behaviors that don't work or fit for me anymore. I get to uncover my personal AND creative identity all at the same time, which is a tremendous blessing. Who knows what either will look like by the time I turn in my grad school application in November. It doesn't matter, because I'm content being in the process, letting go of the outcome, and am enjoying the fruits of the journey so far.

Inner Contentment

I know I've shared this before, but when I came into Al-Anon, it was on the cusp of a wise friend observing that I rely too much on other people for my own happiness. He was totally right, and I knew I needed help. It's been 18 months since I started coming to meetings, and I see a huge difference. I'm finally learning to have patience with myself and trust in God's will for me. My heart is willing to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn hopes and expectations and outcomes over to God, and be of humble service. As the Big Book of AA suggests, I have not maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles, but I claim spiritual progress (not spiritual perfection) (p. 58-60)

I know I've made progress because of how I've handled the recent boy situation. I've acted with "ease and grace" more than I ever would've thought possible before. I spent a week isolating from the boy, giving him the cold shoulder, being very selfish and self-seeking in making the situation all about me. I realized things wouldn't improve unless I was able to let it go and just focus on being myself. I was spending too much energy on the negative feelings, when I would be freer by accepting things as they are and moving on. I made the decision to just be myself around him, to go back to my friendly and cheerful personality. And I let go of any expectation for us. I had hoped we could talk about things and I could explain my behavior, but for the first time ever I didn't force it. My primary goal at the moment was to just be able to be comfortable around each other again. I didn't want to put up walls, but I also didn't force a solution. By just letting go of the awkwardness and letting go of any expectations for future interactions, we've been able to go back to pre-flirtation normality. I never would've done this before, and I'm incredibly grateful I was able to this time. I didn't cause any more harm, and we now have a chance to start over and potentially be friends.

Not surprisingly, the readings at my Tuesday night meeting the past few weeks have totally fit this part of my journey. One week we talked about Tradition Seven, which says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." On page 115 of How Al-Anon Works, it says "Before Al-Anon, we often looked outside of ourselves for our peace of mind. In Al-Anon, we learn to take responsibility for our own recovery... we realize we no longer need to look for inner contentment outside of ourselves." This week, in reading about Changed Attitudes, the book read, "Before we can take effective action, before we can actually change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity to gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely as we are." (p. 77) We also read this about expectations, "There is no better way to make ourselves feel victimized and helpless than by harboring unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, or by confusing expectations with needs and insisting they be met. Attaching our well-being to a particular action or outcome is risky... By seeking only the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), we make great strides towards developing an unshakeable inner peace and sense of security that cannot be threatened by mere circumstances." (p. 80)

So basically these readings and my recent boy experience boil down to this:
1. Before any change can happen, I have to accept myself exactly as I am. Acceptance is the first step because it helps us have a foundation on which to build lasting. For me, acceptance of myself means I accept how God made me, and I trust in God's will for me. No matter what happens externally, I know that inside I am loved, I am taken care of, and I am okay just as I am. Self-acceptance allows me to clear out the clutter of my life without losing myself or feeling lost. I also had to accept the boy and the situation as they were, because otherwise I would try to control and change them when they aren't within my responsibility or capacity to change or control. By accepting the reality of today, I can be open to choices and opportunities that can lead to positive changes and moves forward.

2. Expectations are not the same as needs. Attaching our well-being to particular actions or outcomes is risky. Expectations are hopes and anticipations that a certain outcome will result from a certain action. Expectations can be healthy, but often we (me, you, Al-Anons, those not in program, everyone) carry unrealistic expectations for other people. We expect things to be OUR way, or we think we NEED them to be a certain way to be successful, helpful, etc. We are not flexible in listening to a different perspective, following a different (but equally good or possibly better) method or course of action, and allowing mistakes. I know I used to be this way, and it caused nothing by frustration and resentment (on my part and on the part of others I tried to manage and control). I am learning to have realistic and appropriate expectations of other people, and to go into situations sometimes without ANY expectations. I have also discovered that my needs are a lot simpler than they used to be, and that truly all I need can be provided by my higher power (God) if I let him.

In any relationship - romantic, friendship, family, work - it is imperative that I accept myself just as I am before I can be an effective and positive contributor to the relationship. I can go into a situation with hopes or an idea of possible outcomes, but without expecting people to act or behave a certain way. It allows me to be surprised, to participate in new ways, and to enjoy what's happening (stay in the present). It also allows me to feel my feelings - happy, disappointed, proud, hurt, or any other emotion - then let them go, and do whatever I need to do next. These actions help me to know, regardless of whatever happens, the outcome doesn't change WHO I am and doesn't shake my inner contentment.

Letting it go

It's Wednesday morning, and I'm sitting at the dining room table having a cup of Tribute blend coffee (for Starbucks' 40th anniversary) and enjoying leftover homemade biscuits my roommate made with our dinner last night. It was an impromptu dinner of spaghetti with red sauce and biscuits, which perfectly summarizes our relationship sometimes. We get excited about an idea and one of us runs with it - in this case, I came up with the dinner idea but she actually ran with it and made it, doing it her way. In this way, I've learned to let go of control of something incredibly simple, like what I'm going to have for dinner and when.

I wish letting go was always that painless and easy, but it's not. Especially in personal relationships, and most especially in romantic ones.

I found out some information last Friday about a guy I had been developing a potential interest in, someone who had made his interest in me known pretty loud and clear (at least TO me, since we work together it couldn't be done super publicly). The work situation complicated things, and where I was at in my personal journey led me to set up the boundary of not dating. Long story short, the information I found out led me to question why the hell he would even voice an interest in me and whether I was just a lust object or not. I was pissed off and hurt for a minute, then mostly I turned to sadness and disappointment. I was mad he had been so forward with me when this other situation was going on, and I was hurt by his actions. Mostly, I was sad and disappointed that the situation had ended this way, and the possibility of us ever dating had (most likely, but who knows) ended entirely. I was disappointed in him, because I think he's a good guy and doesn't intentionally hurt people but I think he's confused and searching and didn't know how to handle this situation. Maybe he's more of a manipulator than I give him credit for, but I tend to believe the best in people. From conversations I've had with him, I want to believe the best in him.

So for the past 5 days, I've been struggling with my feelings around this situation. I have found insight and strength from meetings and from sharing the story with friends. Every time I talk it out, I feel better, and every meeting and conversation gives me a new piece of wisdom and a new perspective on it. I know I'm handling it better than I've handled similar situations before (not that I've ever been in this exact situation, but I've been in ones where things with guys change in a way I'm not expecting). But I'm still struggling.

I had to work with him for a full 8-hour shift Sunday night, and it was awful. He doesn't know about the information I received. We hadn't worked together or really talked/seen each other since the previous Sunday, a night where flirtation, joking, innuendo, and all that were sky-high and fun. This time, I didn't know how to act - I didn't want to encourage the flirtation and innuendo, and I knew it might happen if I was just my usual cheerful friendly self. My sponsor advised me to just be "light and polite" and focus on doing my job and being of service to the store and the customers. I tried, and I have to admit I was only moderately successful. When I saw him, the anger came back and the sadness, so I ended up putting up a massive wall. I hardly talked to him, barely met his eyes, and had to keep my emotions in check the whole night. It was hard, and it was frustrating because I'd been working so hard on learning the difference between walls and boundaries, and because I'd finally been learning over the last year how to be myself. It definitely affected my interactions with customers AND with my coworkers, which was also frustrating because normally I can put my personal stuff aside at work and this time I couldn't. It was not my finest hour of detachment, but I didn't really know HOW to detach in that situation. We still had an awesome close because we have an amazing Sunday night team and work really well together. But GOD it was awkward.

All week, I've been in a funk, trying to let go of the disappointment, anger, hurt, sadness, and really mostly let go of the possibility that our mutual interest in each other opened up. I've tried to do a mini-4th step on it, because I know I played a part and it was good to name it. I read my literature every day, I made sure I hit my daily writing goal for my 4th step, I've been praying, I had an admissions appointment at the grad school I want to attend, I painted yesterday for the first time in over a month, I've been reading for FUN. I'm doing all these things to help me keep living and I've still felt sadness and hollowness inside.

Last night our meeting was about "Live and Let Live" - detachment, and learning how to let go of other people's actions and behaviors so that we can live our own lives and focus on making the best decisions for ourselves. Absolutely what I needed to hear, because I need to stop trying to control how he participates in our friendship/relationship/situation/whatever it's called right now. I can only focus on how I am going to respond, act, and behave. I saw something on Facebook last night that gave me a bit more insight into him and compassion for him (which I've been trying to maintain since Friday, since I know he's probably just confused and searching and I can empathize with that struggle). Every fiber of my being was at war - one side wanting to try and make it right, to force a solution, to sort things out, to explain my behavior, to make him see and make him talk to me, and to clear the air while the OTHER side knew how destructive and unproductive those thoughts were and behaviors would be. The other side kept hearing the wisdom of "back off, shut up, don't force the solution, let go and let God, things will be okay if you just give it time and space". I have not felt this kind of war inside for quite sometime, and I'll be damned if it wasn't painful and nerve-wracking. Luckily, the program side won. I didn't text, didn't call, didn't say anything to ANYONE I shouldn't have. I did mention the war to my roommate and she was a good sounding board, and I felt better.

I also got a reminder I needed last night from a newcomer, who shared something from our book "How Al-Anon Works" about feelings: "It is also important to be reminded that feelings aren't facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of, reality. Therefore, they are not the best basis for decision-making. Other people can help us to value the experience of our emotions without acting on them in ways we might regret once the feelings have passed." OH MAN, did I need to hear that. I am feeling some pretty intense feelings right now, but the truth is they ARE NOT FACT. They are not reflections of a true external reality, just my impressions and reactions to the reality. Part of me hopes someday he and I can ever have a conversation where the "truth" and "reality" are cleared up, and I can make a decision on where to go from there. But for right now, all I have to go on is snippets of information and a lot of feeling. So keeping my mouth shut and NOT reacting out of feeling is exactly how I will not live in a place of regret. In previous romantic relationship situations I've had a lot of moments where I've thought/felt: "I shouldn't have said that, it was too intense" and wish I could take something back. So far, I don't have those regrets in this situation, and I want to keep it that way. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's one I am happy to say I am learning.

All in all, I just have to remember that I am taken care of and God has this whole thing under control. I say the relationship prayer a lot, which asks that God's will be done for me and for the other person, that God will take the relationship (whatever it is) and let it become what he wants it to be, and asks that I be shown the truth. I've received some truth, but I have not received the whole truth. Maybe I've received enough of the truth, and all I'll ever receive, but for right now I'm going to be patient and wait and try to let the universe sort itself out in this situation. I'm going to keep doing what I need and want to do for ME, to keep Living. I'm going to be pleasant with him tomorrow when I see him, since I've been able to do that almost every day we've worked together since this situation began except for one. It's important to me to show up, be present to my job and coworkers, to choose happiness, and to put trust in my higher power that everything will in fact be okay.

Promises

In the midst of a very painful crappy week, I found solace many times reading a section from the book "From Survival to Recovery" (parts of which are adapted into what's known as the Al-Anon Promises).

Al-Anon Promises
"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we will never be perfect, continued spiritual progress can reveal to us our enormous potential. Many of us discover what our fellow members already know - that we are both worthy of love and loving. We learn to love ourselves without losing ourselves, and we accept love in return. Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. It will become possible for us to risk failure and develop new, previously-hidden talents. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. We begin to feel and know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them. Our secrets no longer have to bind us in shame. As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices expand. With dignity, we stand for ourselves, without standing against others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace. No longer terrified, we discover that we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe. We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Can we really grow to such proportions? As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. We may see them first in those who walk beside us. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! As we work the Steps, we more ever closer toward light, toward health, and toward our Higher Power. As we watch others grow, we realize we are also changing. Will we ever arrive? Feel joyful all the time? Have no tragedy, cruelty or injustice to face? Probably not, but we can acquire a growing acceptance of our human fallibility, as well as greater love and tolerance for each other. Self-pity, resentment, rage, and depression can fade into memory. Community rather than loneliness will define our lives. We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough."

Every time I hear this passage at my Tuesday night meeting, something new sticks out. One of my favorite sentences is: "We will become mature responsible adults with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment and wonder." This is exactly why I joined Al-Anon. I wanted to become mature and responsible, to be able to have healthy relationships, to feel happy and to experience joy. But as the passage says at the end, we will probably not feel that way all the time. We will make mistakes and yet we'll accept our humanness better and will be able to bounce back more quickly and without too much harm or destruction. I totally found this to be true last week. I would get caught up in feeling crappy, and normally that would make me reach out to the wrong person (an inappropriate person - someone who couldn't support me how I wanted or someone who didn't need to know about the struggle). Last week I was able to reach out to program friends, to keep myself busy with work and writing and other activities, and to focus on being of service. I also made the decision to be happy on the days after I cried myself to sleep. Somehow this decision proved a trust in God, a trust that I was taken care of no matter what, that I was cared for and loved regardless of my emotional state. I made the decision to be happy and to be of service, and it was so fruitful!

Like the passage says, "Our sight, once clouded and distorted, will clear enough for us to perceive reality and recognize truth. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will offer hope to share with others. Serenity and peace will have new meaning as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace." I feel like I am seeing things more clearly. Last week, many of my emotions were hormone-driven (I love being a girl!) but a lot of them were also FEAR-driven. I don't know if I would've been able to name the fear quite so succinctly before program. I also didn't realize THAT'S what I needed to admit out loud to someone else before I would feel better. It didn't come out until Saturday night what exactly I was afraid of, and it came in a loud tearful yet smiling rant to my roommate after spending all week trying to talk to friends and my sponsor and pray about things. I didn't even realize what the driving force was until I said it out loud. I saw things more clearly, I recognized truth. I had the courage to say it and to let it go. That led to an amazing about of peace and serenity. My life is no longer as battered and degraded as I once felt, and this DOES allow me to channel God's ease, balance, and grace in my own life. Last night at work, I was able to be genuinely happy, peaceful, and at ease despite some potential triggers. Over-communication in some cases does actually work out okay!

One part of the passage I always love hearing is: "We laugh more. Faith replaces fear and gratitude comes naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. As we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness, we gradually begin to notice these changes. Sometimes these changes happen slowly or haltingly, and occasionally with great bursts of brilliance! We come to know that we belong, we are welcome, we have something to contribute, and that is enough." I definitely find I laugh and smile more since being in program. I laugh and smile more genuinely since being in program. I find I can make my gratitude list without thinking about the things life is missing. I recognize I am in a process, that perfection will never happen, and that progress is most important. I am changing, and though I may not always see it, I know I am different and I also know that however I show up is OKAY and is ENOUGH for that moment.

As you can see, reading a passage like this every day, every week, or when I'm feeling down is incredibly helpful in putting things back into perspective and giving me HOPE. I'm so hopeful for whatever the future holds, but I'm happy to just be happy and okay in today. For today, I am enough.

Good Boundaries, not an easy task

Today I was able to have a difficult conversation with someone I care about in one way, and have the potential to care about in another way. We were both able to enter the conversation with humor, openness, honesty, trust, and respect. While the decision made was disappointing, we were both still able to laugh, joke, and be okay with it. I cried, but I had peace and acceptance because I know it was the right decision and that healthy boundaries were established and respected. And the other person was amazing with the whole situation. I'm so grateful for it and for him. Whatever happens from here, I'm okay and happy and completely open to God's will wherever it leads.

Uncertainty versus what?

I've been struggling recently with the idea of uncertainty and detachment, and learning how to be comfortable in the unknown without becoming paralyzed. Maybe that's not fair - I don't know that I've been "struggling" with it per se. It has been my old way of thinking and behaving to HAVE to act and HAVE to say something, even if I'm not sure what to say, what to do, or how to react or respond to a situation. Oftentimes, my need to act ends up making a situation more complicated and more intense than I want it to be or intended it to be. I recognize the need to be upfront and honest, and to communicate boundaries and expectations. I know those are important qualities to any relationship, friendship, and situation. However, there is a difference between communicating and overcommunicating, and sometimes overcommunication is NOT helpful (though in others, like my living situation with my roommate, it is VERY helpful for preventing resentments and enjoying each other). There is also a difference between being detached and lighthearted and present to today, and hiding feelings or shutting down or isolating. There's a fine line between keeping something to yourself for healthy detachment reasons and keeping something to yourself because you're afraid of what the consequences will be if you share.

I am probably being overly analytical about this particular situation, and I recognize this. I'm working on turning it over to God, and just not worrying about the outcomes. I am doing the best I can today, and if I make a mistake (over-communicate, make a situation more complicated than it needs to be, obsess/spin), at least I'll be aware of it faster and be able to let it go easier. I know I'm changing, I know I'm learning to be less serious and less intense. Every relationship, every friendship, every situation is going to help me continue becoming the person I want to be, even if I don't show up in the lighthearted, simple, detached, fun-loving way I want every time. I'll get there; progress, not perfection :)

Changing Relationships

I apologize in advance for the random and rambling entry about to follow... Over the past week, I have been bombarded with different ideas, reflections, perspectives, and definitions of what being in relationship with others really means. I've experienced changing relationships with family and friends, I've opened my mind and heart to a simpler and more concrete relationship with my higher power (who I know as God), and I have become at peace with different types of romantic relationships that could be possible in my life.

Where do I begin?

FAMILY: At Christmas, I was asked what some of the miracles of the previous year were, and I mentioned my relationship with my dad. That relationship continues to grow and change. I no longer feel scared or intimidated to open up to him and talk to him about what's going on in my life. Whether it's boys, school, work, family, program or faith, no topic is taboo for me any more when talking to my dad. My dad is not the most emotional or the most communicative guy, but my calling every week or every other week regularly has allowed us a chance to practice communicating regularly for the first time in years. He may not always open up right away, but he has started to ask me deeper questions, and he says things that let me know how much he appreciates our regular chats. The reason this relationship is changing is because I'm showing up differently (by showing up at all) and because I'm not afraid to be myself with him. This is truly a miracle for me. I mention it now, because he sent me a Valentine's Day card and a postcard he and Rox got on their trip to Florida last week, AND because he called me at least twice over my birthday weekend (once on my birthday and once the next day) because he knew I wanted to talk to him on/around my birthday. Neither of those things would have happened a year or two ago. It's such a blessing!

CLOSE FRIENDS: A couple weeks back I was able to spend time with my best friend Stephanie for her birthday. Steph, her husband, and their two kids met me and another mutual friend of ours at the Museum of Science and Industry for an afternoon adventure, then we went out to the 'burbs to have dinner and cupcakes. Stephanie and Lori are two women that I have always considered two of my closest women friends, and we've all been through growing pains as the friendships have evolved over the past 6-8 years. I used to be jealous of how close they were and how much more often they hung out. I used to get upset and hurt when either of them would not call or wouldn't be willing to come into the city to hang out. I used to get "irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" (as the suggested opening for Al-Anon meetings says). I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so grateful for their friendship, that I express gratitude any time we do get to talk and hang out. I don't layer on this underlying guilt trip about not being better in touch - I simply enjoy the time I spend with them and try to share myself and learn about their lives in the time we're together. I try to be of service, and I don't try to control. It's been a huge blessing - the friendships have mellowed and strengthened. They are still two of my closest female friends, and I'm more convinced now than ever that they are there for me no matter what, and I can trust them and count on them if I ever need them.

FRIENDSHIP: The ability to be myself and to let go of the need to have everyone be my friend and like me expands beyond my closest friends. My birthday was last weekend, and I hosted two gatherings. One was a dinner/drinks evening at a bar/restaurant near where I work. The other was a girls-only Art Nite at my apartment the evening of my actual birthday. For both events, I invited a large number of people but I had absolutely no expectation about anyone being there. I didn't even have an expectation for my roommate because originally she was going to be out of town, and I had just not quite reverted back to the "Oh, she IS going to be here" mentality. Both events ended up being wonderful. I was so grateful to spend time with the ladies (and a couple gentlemen) who came, and I was not hurt or upset by anyone who couldn't come. I no longer expect the world to stop and have me at their center. I'm grateful for the ones who made time in their schedule to celebrate with me, and I was able to stay in the present moment and enjoy the company of the people there! It's such a blessing to feel genuine surprise, joy, and gratitude for the people who show up in your life. I have found that having no expectations means I don't get disappointed. It doesn't mean I don't have reasonable expectations when appropriate (like people showing up for work), but not having impossibly high standards means people can just show up as they are when they are able and I can celebrate with them. What a change in attitude for me.

ROMANTIC: Another relationship area I'm discovering changed attitudes with is romantic relationships. This one is harder because I have so much anxiety, self-worth, and expectation wound up in my idea of a romantic relationship. Especially after my most recent ex-boyfriend, I don't think I truly understood what a non serious-commitment relationship might look like. I couldn't even tell you or remember what just dating looked like! I'm not sure if I've ever done just dating... although to be fair, the two boys I dated in college were more dating relationships than "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships, and I can see that more now though I did not treat it that way then. A coworker of mine has recently made it known that he finds me attractive and it's too bad we work together or it would be fun to go on a first date. This came up when we were all working Super Bowl Sunday night and it was deader than a doornail in the store. I had read an article on Yahoo's front page that morning called "Five Questions that tell you if its meant to be". It basically talked about five great first date questions to get past the "So, where are you from, what do you do?" questions that are generic and don't always get at the meat of a person. So this guy said to the other couple folks and I that we should all pretend to be on a first date and answer the questions (and one of the other people suggested a sixth question - "If you could go back 10 years and tell yourself something what would it be?") It was a fun night, and it was enjoyable to discover that my ass is distracting ;) It's been a running joke with us all week since he told me, and he said if I'm ever uncomfortable to let him know. It's not, it's flattering. Here's the funny part, and why it has helped change my view on relationships - he's a good guy, I think we would have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. He's cute in his own way, but what I know of him makes me suspect that if we were to ever date, it probably would be a casual dating situation that wouldn't end up anything serious. I could be wrong, who knows, but it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first college boyfriend. And I'm totally okay with that! I would be absolutely fine and interested in spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed and with whom I could share physical attraction. This idea of it being okay to date without expecting a possibly serious long-term commitment is TOTALLY new and foreign to me. I've always been the "I would never date someone I couldn't see a potential future with" person. The problem with that attitude is it creates impossible expectations from the very first date. It's okay to just spend time with, explore physical attraction, and get to know someone without planning a future life together. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I'm not open to dating those type of people either. If, for example, the boy back home and I decided to give it a try, I'd be open to it, and although I have futurized what us being together could look like, I think I'm learning how to be open and in the present and not worried about what the future will be. Probably harder if tested, but my idea of dating and romance and intimate relationships is broadening so I don't feel confined by specific definitions anymore. Dating or otherwise!

FAITH and GOD: Which brings me to the last and final relationship that is starting to shift in a more dramatic way... my relationship with God. And it truly is becoming a RELATIONSHIP. I just finished reading "The Shack" this week. I've never felt a book is particularly or dramatically life-changing before, but this one really got me thinking, or at least put a final sense of clarity on some themes I hadn't quite consciously or concretely formed or thought through in my head. Ideas about God being more than rules and laws, about God desiring to be in relationship with us, God wanting us to surrender our independence so we may have an interdependence on him and his love. The ideas that God (all three persons) loves me no matter what, that he doesn't create evil but that doesn't mean he can't use evil towards his final good purpose - these were not new or unique, but in the context of the book I was able to hear and understand and embrace them. I've been working on turning my will over to God, on being willing and learning to surrender, but I kept getting blocked by my own mind's idea of what those were supposed to mean or look like. In the book, all God asks of us is to accept God's love and accept his invitation to love and serve and be in relationship with him. God wants us to live in him, so that he may live and love through us. I have heard these ideas so many times in context of homilies, or retreat talks, or theological readings. For some reason, this book opened it up for me. It is challenging me to see my faith in a completely new way, to look beyond my previous identity as a Catholic or even a Christian and to truly live and breathe and see others as children of God. I can't express any more excitedly or profoundly how much this has impacted me this week. I feel as though some weight has lifted and puzzle pieces have clicked and locked into place. I get it, and I see more clearly now. It's amazing, absolutely astounding to me.

Alright, so the end has come, and I feel as though I have written a book. I apologized at the beginning and I'll do it again now - sorry for the long and crazy rambling. I hope some of what I've shared has been helpful for you, and if not, thanks for letting me share anyway! Blessings to you today and always!

SNOW DAY!

Normally I blog about more serious things, but when 20 inches of snow falls over the course of 24 hours in Chicago and shuts down the city, I think that's worthy of a blog post :)

Getting home yesterday from work was an adventure... I left about 3:00, and it was as though it was rush hour and the Cubs were playing a night game. The trains were packed, the stations were packed, and it took a bit longer to get home than normal. Luckily, my whole attitude was "Hey, I'm just heading home like everyone else, and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything once I'm there, so I'm in no rush." I certainly didn't let everyone onto the train ahead of me, but I did wait for two trains to go by before I began to be aggressive about getting on one. Totally reasonable and fair, right?

Last night, a friend came over for dinner and ended up spending the night and enjoying the snow storm with us. We have a pretty good view of things from our apartment - we're at the corner of an intersection where our street dead ends into a pretty main thoroughfare. The snow was actually blowing UPWARDS last night, and we did hear some snow thunder and saw some snow lightening. We went out about 9:30-10:00 to see how things looked. We took pictures, made snow angels, just enjoyed the blowing drifting snow! My roommate and I walked two blocks west to a pretty main intersection in our neighborhood and everything was dark and closed! We made a couple more snow angels and walked back (and by walk, I mean "stair-climb hiked"). This morning when we woke up, there was another foot of snow outside, and it was definitely "white out conditions." Things started to taper off by 11:30-12, and that's when my roommate decided to bundle up and go out exploring. She spent three hours outside taking pictures and walking around by the lake with a couple friends. I spent the whole day inside, except for the five minutes I went outside to take pictures of our sidewalk and street, cars and bushes and more! I worked on some art projects, wrote emails, watched movies, took a nap, and more.

The best part about this snow day is I did not have to work, and I had no other obligations. I was supposed to give a lead at the meeting tonight but decided not to make the trek out into the snow and cold, and it worked out because a few people who lived closer were able to fill in! I was able to relax, be creative, rest, spend time with my roommate, and not worry. It was a phenomenal day, and I'm grateful for the forced/self-imposed day of rest :)

Took the Enneagram Test and here are my results...

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

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Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||| 43% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||| 36% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 36% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||| 60% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||| 30% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 43% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 60% Your main type is 1 Your variant is social

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Main type	Variant

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The results included a summary statement about my top 4 type's behavior motivation:
Type 1: I must be perfect and good to be happy.
Type 2: I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
Type 6: I must be secure and safe to be happy.
Type 9: I must maintain a peaceful and easygoing environment to be happy.

Overall, I found this to be a very accurate test that showed my current personality and also the areas in which I am growing. Personality tests can be very biased and subjective, but I still appreciate their perspective and insight, which is why I don't mind taking them or sharing the results. Hope you enjoy!

Spiral of Growth

My roommate is phenomenal. I feel like that is not an uncommon comment from me about this particular person in my life, but that's okay in my book.

One of the things I love about her is the unique perspective she brings to problems or struggles I'm having in my life. Her perspectives may not be unique to all people, but she often sees things a little bit differently than I do, and her ability to shed new light on something I'm spinning and obsessing about usually brings me great relief and comfort.

Today my roommate was working from home and I had a class day (which meant I was home in the morning before I walked to school for my one and only Monday/Wednesday class). I had finished writing out my high school resentments over the weekend and had moved onto college yesterday afternoon and today. Some of the require some verbal talking through as I'm writing, and the girl I wrote about this morning was one of them. The conversation was animated and eventually just led to a check-in about how I was doing during this whole process.

The answer? Not great. One of the reasons the 12 steps were written and are worked in the order they are is because the first three steps are meant to serve as a strong foundation of trust in a higher power and a letting go of control. They are meant to help you come to believe that you are taken care of, you are loved no matter what, and that God (as you understand him) will be there to take over everything you can't handle yourself (which is more than you realize coming in and is still more than you are capable of even after working the first three steps).

The problem is that you get to a place of security and serenity and then you start your 4th step, a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of yourself. I have to look at all of my resentments, my anger, my moments of self-pity, my "issues", and I get to not only look at them and list them, but I get to see what MY PART IS. I was doing well the first couple months, writing things very systematically and not internalizing anything too much. When I reached high school, I began to see my part and my patterns, and I remembered how I felt during a lot of those moments, even when I saw what my part and responsibility was. I finished high school and started the college list, and the feeling continued. I remember how I felt, how I was frustrated and lonely and angry and confused, and how I did a lot of great things, had some wonderful experiences, made fantastic friends, made decisions that helped me to get to a healthier place of growth and acceptance in a lot of ways, but the underlying nagging feeling of "something's not right" was still there. The whole time. I felt that way in high school, the "what's wrong with me?" feeling, and it continued in college, during GVV, and into my relationships and career and life in Chicago.

I have not felt that way quite so strongly in over a year. I've had a couple moments of it, but mostly I was able to turn it over and was feeling really good in my Al-Anon growth and my decisions about school, my performance at Starbucks, and my ability to change and grow in my friendships (especially my female friendships). But lately, since I've been working on my high school inventory, and since the amazing but challenging reflections and experiences I had at We Are Not Saints, have brought back that feeling of "something's not right, what's wrong with me", and I feel once again far away from God and far away from everyone I was beginning to have healthy intimacy with. I might be exaggerating some, but not much. I know I feel disconnected from God, from my roommate, from my parents, from other friends. I know a lot of it is in my head. And I also know that when I talk and act out of this place, nothing good ever comes from it.

Where my roommate's amazing perspective and the sense of relief I felt this morning comes in is because as I was sharing this with her, she smiled her knowing "I've been there and I can help" smile, and asked me if I had ever heard of the spiral theory. Apparently it's a term used in feminist theology and my roommate has heard of it from Letty Russell (a professor at Yale University School of Divinity). Basically it says that in the center is happiness, and we move in a spiral towards happiness, but the spiral is not equidistant circles around, but more of a slingshot loop... some moments you're closer to happiness and the next moment you might be farther from happiness, but the length of time/distance between closer and farther gets smaller and even if you feel farther away you're closer than you think. She suggested that while I feel like I'm back to the feelings I felt back when I was in college or dating Sully that I have grown more than I probably think and it probably won't take as long to get back to the feeling of happiness and release that I've felt in the past year of program.

It was such a great relief to have that kind of visual, and I'm grateful for her insight. I will definitely need to share these feelings with Annalise tonight and I hope she's receptive and okay and doesn't just brush me off or tell me I'm spinning. I might be, but that doesn't help me practically. I could pray, and I will pray. I prayed this morning after exercising and cried. So I'll keep praying, obviously it helps. :)

I pray that I don't totally ruin any relationships or friendships in the process... always a concern, since I've done it before, and it's possible I'll do it again.

Anyway, that's it for today! One day at a time, hanging onto that mantra. :)

We Are Not Saints

It is an amazing relief to admit and accept that I am not a perfect person. I've spent so much time in my life trying to be perfect, to live up to some astronomically huge expectations for myself, and I've made myself crazy in the process. Granted, I still have high expectations. 15 months in Al-Anon has not relieved me of all my crazy behaviors. My sponsor's been in almost 17 years and she certainly still struggles with her insanity. :) What we talk about is how we now have tools to recognize and deal with the crazy when it comes up. I see it sooner, and I'm learning to take contrary actions.

I am certainly not perfect at this. It's 17 days into 2011 and I've felt kinda blah during most of the month. It's not my usual January "blah" though - it's not the gray weather or the cold temperatures or the lack of color now that Christmas lights and decorations are down. It's more internal than that. I'm working on my personal inventory for my 4th step and I'm looking at a lot of my own stuff. It's fascinating looking at back at my life and looking at patterns, but focusing on resentments and times when I was jealous or angry or whatever is not so much fun. It's helpful, and it's important, but it's tedious and challenging.

This past weekend I was in Skokie for the We Are Not Saints convention. It's an AA Convention with Al-Anon participation. My home group usually attends in droves (and we perform a skit at the banquet... so fun!) This year was no different, except that I actually got to attend this year. Over the course of the weekend (Friday night through Sunday morning) there were 6 AA speakers and 2 Al-Anon speakers. Each speaker opened the way an AA meeting or an Al-Anon meeting would. For the AA speakers, that meant reading a section out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, from the Chapter "How it Works". In that section, we read "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." You'd think hearing the same thing over and over again would get repetitive and annoying, but it wasn't. For me, it was powerful and relieving. The consistent reminder that we are not saints, that I am not perfect, was exactly what I needed to hear this weekend. I needed the reassurance that my journey is more important than achieving perfection. I needed the comfort of a loving God who sees that I'm working on my relationship with him and just wants me to take it easy on myself as I work through all kinds of personal changes.

Anyway, it was a good weekend and I wrote down a lot of great tidbits from the various speakers to keep close by as reminders when I'm having an off day. It's what I do on retreats ;) I definitely had to decompress after the weekend, I was more emotionally worn out than I expected to be yesterday afternoon, and I felt emotionally hungover all last night and most of today. Going back to work tomorrow will be good, but I'm glad it's a short shift. I'll go help a program friend pack up for his upcoming move, do some 4th step writing, then go to a meeting. Wednesday I start class and my spring semester routine will begin. I'm looking forward to it, but I have to remember that even while I take it easy on myself, I still need to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Perspective

I love this program and I love having a sponsor because they help keep things in perspective. When something happens and I feel bad about it, I can talk it out with her or a program friend, read a piece of literature, or just say the serenity prayer and I feel better.

I'm still learning not to beat myself up about simple mistakes. I'm learning to take responsibility, make my amends, and move on. And I'm recognizing that some people will always trigger certain things in me. However, now I know I can choose to respond to the triggers differently. I don't have to listen to my gut reaction, because it often causes me to act or speak in a way I later regret. I'm also learning to clear away people and relationships that trigger me into people-pleasing behaviors. I know that I can't cut out every single person that triggers me because even my closest and dearest friends and most especially my family members will bring out some of my most annoying character defects. But I can learn to stop placing emphasis and importance on people and situations I expect to provide me with positive feedback.

Anyway, I wanted to send this out to the void because it was a helpful situation to experience today.

In God's Time, Not Mine

This past weekend I was in Minnesota for the Christmas holiday, and I feel as though I had the best Christmas I've ever had. It was nice to be with family when we were all in good places in life - there was no drama, no tension, no awkwardness, no underlying anything. My parents, their significant others, and my step-brother are all in a positive place in their journeys. There are still bumps on the road and struggles they're experiencing, but this is the calmest, happiest, and most at peace I've seen any of us in a long time. And that truly warms my heart, and makes me incredibly grateful.

I also spent time with more friends than I thought I had in the Twin Cities. It's amazing what a little time and space can do to help get friendships back on an even keel. I saw two friends I hadn't seen in a number of years, and had wonderful conversations catching up with them. I had no expectations - I went purely to enjoy their company. If I stay in touch beyond that, which hopefully I will, great. If not, I enjoyed the time we had catching up. What's striking to me is both John and Amy are friends from high school I kept up with through most of college and then sort of lost touch with when I went to St. Louis and then moved to Chicago. They are friends I felt were some of closest friends at one time, and I'm grateful we still reach out to each other on occasion despite time and distance. I learn a lot from them, feel valued and supported in their company, am inspired by their faith journeys and career paths and how they live their lives. I enjoy spending time with quality people like that, and it helps when they're people you can be at ease with because you've known each other for so long.

Which brings me to the reason for the subject heading. The cool thing about my family being in such good space and my being able to have the interactions I had with those old friends this weekend is that it didn't happen because any of us forced it or manipulated our way to it or tried to control it. It was just the natural progression of time and growth we are all experiencing that brought us to this time and place. The choices we've made and the things we've let go of over the years have allowed us to be here, now, healthy (or getting there), and open to change and possibility. The one relationship I still need help letting go and not controlling is with the boy I mentioned in a previous post. We had a phenomenal day together on Sunday: lunch in our favorite spot, time with a couple friends, being flirty and having fun at Dave and Buster's (like an adult Chuck-E-Cheese), then spending the evening with my family for our traditional Family Game Night. After Game Night we stayed up late talking, and got to have a REAL talk, mostly about us. In my former life, a talk like that, with no definitive solution and no real conclusion or agreement, would have frustrated me. This time, I just felt so blessed and grateful to even have the open, honest, direct, and sincere conversation we had. Even though it is incredibly difficult not to be able to pursue someone I'm attracted to, someone I trust completely, someone with whom I could see a potentially really amazing thing with, I'm also grateful we're not pursuing it right now.

I'll be honest and say I'm glad to know he feels the attraction and would totally be interested in dating at some point. The affirmation that it's not one-sided was a relief (I didn't think it was one-sided, but I didn't know for sure). However, I'm still working on a lot of things through program (and in general), he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and there's the added stress of 400+ miles distance. But at least we know where we stand, and we talked about how to communicate better if I start to get a little crazy or he needs to pull back some.

We're still the best of friends and we're still going to be in touch. None of that has changed. I have to work on not obsessing about it and not trying to control it and REALLY learning to turn it over to God. I have to trust that if this is something God wants for us, the way will be made clear in due time. I'm embracing the challenge and the journey, and doing the most I can to stay busy, stay in the present moment, stay in CHICAGO mentally and emotionally, and still stay open to any other relationships or dating possibilities that come my way.

I may think I know what's right, but it's not up to me to decide that. It's up to me to be open to GOD deciding that. IN HIS TIME, NOT MINE. And with whatever steps and detours I'm meant to take along the way.

Stllness Revisited: Do Not Be Afraid of the Tomb

I've had a lot going on and a lot to think about the past few days. I'm working a 6-day stretch for the first time since August in preparation for going home for Christmas. I've had holiday gatherings, early mornings, and of course the occasional challenge staying in the present and remembering all I've learned in the past year.

Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.

So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."

I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.

I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"

I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.

So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.

Winter: The Oldest and SNOW-iest Season

I love snow. I am such a Midwesterner, and also such a dork. December is my favorite month of the year. I don't even care about the freezing cold. The snow and the colors and the lights and decorations and snow are so beautiful to me. I love it so much!

I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:

"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."

He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.

O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.

It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.

Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!

Unnecessary Baggage

My roommate is a lay member of the United Methodist Church, and she recently (last week) made the final decision not to be ordained. She's been in this discernment process for quite a number of years. Last year she decided to go for deacon and not elder, and even with that it seems she felt stressed. Last week she finally realized that God is not calling her to ordination, but is calling her to work for justice and peace as a lay minister. She can still be involved in worship and liturgy as a lay person, and she has the freedom to focus on helping those who need a voice (which she is phenomenal at by the way).

Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"

I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.

I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.

I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.

I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.

My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!

Gratitude, Humility, and Surrender

I've been trying to write a blog post at least once per week because I have so many thoughts rolling around in my brain and it helps to get it down on paper every so often. So far it's been a great way to share with the great unknown world my own experience, strength, and hope, if such a thing exists :)

This past week was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Ever since last week when my crazy stories got me in trouble and I had to work consciously on curbing my obsessive thinking, I've been in a funky mood. I was also anticipating how busy this weekend would be at work, and how I wouldn't really get to relax when so many other people get to take a long weekend and even travel "home" or somewhere else to see family or do something fun. For me, not getting caught up in the bitter moments and focusing on all the possible negative can be challenging sometimes. Even reminding myself to be grateful and find (or even write down) things I'm thankful for doesn't always work.

This year, however, I found a quote. I clung to this quote because it carried the weight of a few key words I strive to foster in my own life. The quote came in an email from Tommy Newberry, who's the author of The 4:8 Principle . He's a big believer and proponent of gratitude and positive thinking, and uses Philippians 4:8 (a Bible verse) as his mantra and inspiration. Anyway, the email was talking about Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude. In it, he says "Gratitude is a conviction, a practice, & a discipline. It’s an essential nutrient for the soul, a spiritual amino acid for human growth, creativity & joy."

Wow. Gratitude is an action, a practice, a discipline, a conviction. It is not just some flimsy or whimsical ideal, it is something concrete and tangible that we have to work on every single day. It's like writing a daily blog in order to hone your writing skills, or hitting the batting cages in baseball in order to improve your swing and increase your hitting average. You have to practice gratitude. That means that even if you're not feeling particularly thankful or grateful, you should think about it anyway and make yourself come up with items for a gratitude list or just force yourself to note the people or situations or things you are grateful for at any given day or time, whether it's the little kids playing tag you saw in the park by your house or the friend who called you out of the blue just to say hi. For me, sometimes it's the big picture things ("I'm grateful my relationships with my parents are improving and we can communicate better and more effectively than we ever have") and sometimes it's simple tiny things "I'm grateful for my cat who snuggled with me in bed this morning because she's cute and warm and makes me smile and feel loved.")

The second part of the quote, about it being an essential nutrient for the soul that helps build and grow creativity and joy, really hit home for me. As I continue to take art classes, explore psychological and spiritual principles, hone my hospitality skills, and practice being of humble service every day, I am seeking to grow and strengthen my creativity and my joy. I believe I am creative person, and it's no wonder to me that someone who practices gratitude faithfully is able to have an open mind and heart to the creative process. When you are grateful, you are free. Thankfulness and gratitude open the heart, mind, and soul to receive gifts many would never see. And the smallest act of kindness, the smallest moment of quiet or beauty, the inner space that gratitude provides can lead to the most striking inspiration. The inner space gratitude provides also allows your true self to emerge and allows you to focus on being of service and finding joy in that surrender.

Humility and surrender are near to the top of my prayer list these days. If I'm to overcome my obsessive thinking, it's going to come from a willingness to turn over my crap to God. It's going to happen when I willingly surrender my will to God and allow him to fill my mind and heart with gratitude and the desire to be of service and focus on my singleness of purpose. I didn't used to understand surrender... I wanted to be in charge and thought that I could do it all with God's help, but that God's help was secondary and would just come in terms of strengthening my own will and assets. Now I realize that I can't do it all myself and that my greatest successes will come when I ask for help, get out of the way, and allow God's grace to work through me in his time and in his fashion. It's hard, but the prayer for surrender comes easier, and I understand the necessity of surrender more than I did before.

Hopefully this coming year I will be able to focus more on gratitude, allowing space for my creativity to grow and my joy to overflow. I hope to continue asking for the willingness to surrender and be of humble service, so that God's will may be done and I may find peace, serenity, and joy in watching his will work in my life.