Good Boundaries, not an easy task

Today I was able to have a difficult conversation with someone I care about in one way, and have the potential to care about in another way. We were both able to enter the conversation with humor, openness, honesty, trust, and respect. While the decision made was disappointing, we were both still able to laugh, joke, and be okay with it. I cried, but I had peace and acceptance because I know it was the right decision and that healthy boundaries were established and respected. And the other person was amazing with the whole situation. I'm so grateful for it and for him. Whatever happens from here, I'm okay and happy and completely open to God's will wherever it leads.

Uncertainty versus what?

I've been struggling recently with the idea of uncertainty and detachment, and learning how to be comfortable in the unknown without becoming paralyzed. Maybe that's not fair - I don't know that I've been "struggling" with it per se. It has been my old way of thinking and behaving to HAVE to act and HAVE to say something, even if I'm not sure what to say, what to do, or how to react or respond to a situation. Oftentimes, my need to act ends up making a situation more complicated and more intense than I want it to be or intended it to be. I recognize the need to be upfront and honest, and to communicate boundaries and expectations. I know those are important qualities to any relationship, friendship, and situation. However, there is a difference between communicating and overcommunicating, and sometimes overcommunication is NOT helpful (though in others, like my living situation with my roommate, it is VERY helpful for preventing resentments and enjoying each other). There is also a difference between being detached and lighthearted and present to today, and hiding feelings or shutting down or isolating. There's a fine line between keeping something to yourself for healthy detachment reasons and keeping something to yourself because you're afraid of what the consequences will be if you share.

I am probably being overly analytical about this particular situation, and I recognize this. I'm working on turning it over to God, and just not worrying about the outcomes. I am doing the best I can today, and if I make a mistake (over-communicate, make a situation more complicated than it needs to be, obsess/spin), at least I'll be aware of it faster and be able to let it go easier. I know I'm changing, I know I'm learning to be less serious and less intense. Every relationship, every friendship, every situation is going to help me continue becoming the person I want to be, even if I don't show up in the lighthearted, simple, detached, fun-loving way I want every time. I'll get there; progress, not perfection :)

Changing Relationships

I apologize in advance for the random and rambling entry about to follow... Over the past week, I have been bombarded with different ideas, reflections, perspectives, and definitions of what being in relationship with others really means. I've experienced changing relationships with family and friends, I've opened my mind and heart to a simpler and more concrete relationship with my higher power (who I know as God), and I have become at peace with different types of romantic relationships that could be possible in my life.

Where do I begin?

FAMILY: At Christmas, I was asked what some of the miracles of the previous year were, and I mentioned my relationship with my dad. That relationship continues to grow and change. I no longer feel scared or intimidated to open up to him and talk to him about what's going on in my life. Whether it's boys, school, work, family, program or faith, no topic is taboo for me any more when talking to my dad. My dad is not the most emotional or the most communicative guy, but my calling every week or every other week regularly has allowed us a chance to practice communicating regularly for the first time in years. He may not always open up right away, but he has started to ask me deeper questions, and he says things that let me know how much he appreciates our regular chats. The reason this relationship is changing is because I'm showing up differently (by showing up at all) and because I'm not afraid to be myself with him. This is truly a miracle for me. I mention it now, because he sent me a Valentine's Day card and a postcard he and Rox got on their trip to Florida last week, AND because he called me at least twice over my birthday weekend (once on my birthday and once the next day) because he knew I wanted to talk to him on/around my birthday. Neither of those things would have happened a year or two ago. It's such a blessing!

CLOSE FRIENDS: A couple weeks back I was able to spend time with my best friend Stephanie for her birthday. Steph, her husband, and their two kids met me and another mutual friend of ours at the Museum of Science and Industry for an afternoon adventure, then we went out to the 'burbs to have dinner and cupcakes. Stephanie and Lori are two women that I have always considered two of my closest women friends, and we've all been through growing pains as the friendships have evolved over the past 6-8 years. I used to be jealous of how close they were and how much more often they hung out. I used to get upset and hurt when either of them would not call or wouldn't be willing to come into the city to hang out. I used to get "irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" (as the suggested opening for Al-Anon meetings says). I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so grateful for their friendship, that I express gratitude any time we do get to talk and hang out. I don't layer on this underlying guilt trip about not being better in touch - I simply enjoy the time I spend with them and try to share myself and learn about their lives in the time we're together. I try to be of service, and I don't try to control. It's been a huge blessing - the friendships have mellowed and strengthened. They are still two of my closest female friends, and I'm more convinced now than ever that they are there for me no matter what, and I can trust them and count on them if I ever need them.

FRIENDSHIP: The ability to be myself and to let go of the need to have everyone be my friend and like me expands beyond my closest friends. My birthday was last weekend, and I hosted two gatherings. One was a dinner/drinks evening at a bar/restaurant near where I work. The other was a girls-only Art Nite at my apartment the evening of my actual birthday. For both events, I invited a large number of people but I had absolutely no expectation about anyone being there. I didn't even have an expectation for my roommate because originally she was going to be out of town, and I had just not quite reverted back to the "Oh, she IS going to be here" mentality. Both events ended up being wonderful. I was so grateful to spend time with the ladies (and a couple gentlemen) who came, and I was not hurt or upset by anyone who couldn't come. I no longer expect the world to stop and have me at their center. I'm grateful for the ones who made time in their schedule to celebrate with me, and I was able to stay in the present moment and enjoy the company of the people there! It's such a blessing to feel genuine surprise, joy, and gratitude for the people who show up in your life. I have found that having no expectations means I don't get disappointed. It doesn't mean I don't have reasonable expectations when appropriate (like people showing up for work), but not having impossibly high standards means people can just show up as they are when they are able and I can celebrate with them. What a change in attitude for me.

ROMANTIC: Another relationship area I'm discovering changed attitudes with is romantic relationships. This one is harder because I have so much anxiety, self-worth, and expectation wound up in my idea of a romantic relationship. Especially after my most recent ex-boyfriend, I don't think I truly understood what a non serious-commitment relationship might look like. I couldn't even tell you or remember what just dating looked like! I'm not sure if I've ever done just dating... although to be fair, the two boys I dated in college were more dating relationships than "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationships, and I can see that more now though I did not treat it that way then. A coworker of mine has recently made it known that he finds me attractive and it's too bad we work together or it would be fun to go on a first date. This came up when we were all working Super Bowl Sunday night and it was deader than a doornail in the store. I had read an article on Yahoo's front page that morning called "Five Questions that tell you if its meant to be". It basically talked about five great first date questions to get past the "So, where are you from, what do you do?" questions that are generic and don't always get at the meat of a person. So this guy said to the other couple folks and I that we should all pretend to be on a first date and answer the questions (and one of the other people suggested a sixth question - "If you could go back 10 years and tell yourself something what would it be?") It was a fun night, and it was enjoyable to discover that my ass is distracting ;) It's been a running joke with us all week since he told me, and he said if I'm ever uncomfortable to let him know. It's not, it's flattering. Here's the funny part, and why it has helped change my view on relationships - he's a good guy, I think we would have a lot of fun together and enjoy each others company. He's cute in his own way, but what I know of him makes me suspect that if we were to ever date, it probably would be a casual dating situation that wouldn't end up anything serious. I could be wrong, who knows, but it reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first college boyfriend. And I'm totally okay with that! I would be absolutely fine and interested in spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed and with whom I could share physical attraction. This idea of it being okay to date without expecting a possibly serious long-term commitment is TOTALLY new and foreign to me. I've always been the "I would never date someone I couldn't see a potential future with" person. The problem with that attitude is it creates impossible expectations from the very first date. It's okay to just spend time with, explore physical attraction, and get to know someone without planning a future life together. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I'm not open to dating those type of people either. If, for example, the boy back home and I decided to give it a try, I'd be open to it, and although I have futurized what us being together could look like, I think I'm learning how to be open and in the present and not worried about what the future will be. Probably harder if tested, but my idea of dating and romance and intimate relationships is broadening so I don't feel confined by specific definitions anymore. Dating or otherwise!

FAITH and GOD: Which brings me to the last and final relationship that is starting to shift in a more dramatic way... my relationship with God. And it truly is becoming a RELATIONSHIP. I just finished reading "The Shack" this week. I've never felt a book is particularly or dramatically life-changing before, but this one really got me thinking, or at least put a final sense of clarity on some themes I hadn't quite consciously or concretely formed or thought through in my head. Ideas about God being more than rules and laws, about God desiring to be in relationship with us, God wanting us to surrender our independence so we may have an interdependence on him and his love. The ideas that God (all three persons) loves me no matter what, that he doesn't create evil but that doesn't mean he can't use evil towards his final good purpose - these were not new or unique, but in the context of the book I was able to hear and understand and embrace them. I've been working on turning my will over to God, on being willing and learning to surrender, but I kept getting blocked by my own mind's idea of what those were supposed to mean or look like. In the book, all God asks of us is to accept God's love and accept his invitation to love and serve and be in relationship with him. God wants us to live in him, so that he may live and love through us. I have heard these ideas so many times in context of homilies, or retreat talks, or theological readings. For some reason, this book opened it up for me. It is challenging me to see my faith in a completely new way, to look beyond my previous identity as a Catholic or even a Christian and to truly live and breathe and see others as children of God. I can't express any more excitedly or profoundly how much this has impacted me this week. I feel as though some weight has lifted and puzzle pieces have clicked and locked into place. I get it, and I see more clearly now. It's amazing, absolutely astounding to me.

Alright, so the end has come, and I feel as though I have written a book. I apologized at the beginning and I'll do it again now - sorry for the long and crazy rambling. I hope some of what I've shared has been helpful for you, and if not, thanks for letting me share anyway! Blessings to you today and always!

SNOW DAY!

Normally I blog about more serious things, but when 20 inches of snow falls over the course of 24 hours in Chicago and shuts down the city, I think that's worthy of a blog post :)

Getting home yesterday from work was an adventure... I left about 3:00, and it was as though it was rush hour and the Cubs were playing a night game. The trains were packed, the stations were packed, and it took a bit longer to get home than normal. Luckily, my whole attitude was "Hey, I'm just heading home like everyone else, and I don't have to go anywhere or do anything once I'm there, so I'm in no rush." I certainly didn't let everyone onto the train ahead of me, but I did wait for two trains to go by before I began to be aggressive about getting on one. Totally reasonable and fair, right?

Last night, a friend came over for dinner and ended up spending the night and enjoying the snow storm with us. We have a pretty good view of things from our apartment - we're at the corner of an intersection where our street dead ends into a pretty main thoroughfare. The snow was actually blowing UPWARDS last night, and we did hear some snow thunder and saw some snow lightening. We went out about 9:30-10:00 to see how things looked. We took pictures, made snow angels, just enjoyed the blowing drifting snow! My roommate and I walked two blocks west to a pretty main intersection in our neighborhood and everything was dark and closed! We made a couple more snow angels and walked back (and by walk, I mean "stair-climb hiked"). This morning when we woke up, there was another foot of snow outside, and it was definitely "white out conditions." Things started to taper off by 11:30-12, and that's when my roommate decided to bundle up and go out exploring. She spent three hours outside taking pictures and walking around by the lake with a couple friends. I spent the whole day inside, except for the five minutes I went outside to take pictures of our sidewalk and street, cars and bushes and more! I worked on some art projects, wrote emails, watched movies, took a nap, and more.

The best part about this snow day is I did not have to work, and I had no other obligations. I was supposed to give a lead at the meeting tonight but decided not to make the trek out into the snow and cold, and it worked out because a few people who lived closer were able to fill in! I was able to relax, be creative, rest, spend time with my roommate, and not worry. It was a phenomenal day, and I'm grateful for the forced/self-imposed day of rest :)

Took the Enneagram Test and here are my results...

ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.

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Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||| 43% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||| 36% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||| 36% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||| 60% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||| 30% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 43% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 60% Your main type is 1 Your variant is social

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Main type	Variant

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The results included a summary statement about my top 4 type's behavior motivation:
Type 1: I must be perfect and good to be happy.
Type 2: I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
Type 6: I must be secure and safe to be happy.
Type 9: I must maintain a peaceful and easygoing environment to be happy.

Overall, I found this to be a very accurate test that showed my current personality and also the areas in which I am growing. Personality tests can be very biased and subjective, but I still appreciate their perspective and insight, which is why I don't mind taking them or sharing the results. Hope you enjoy!

Spiral of Growth

My roommate is phenomenal. I feel like that is not an uncommon comment from me about this particular person in my life, but that's okay in my book.

One of the things I love about her is the unique perspective she brings to problems or struggles I'm having in my life. Her perspectives may not be unique to all people, but she often sees things a little bit differently than I do, and her ability to shed new light on something I'm spinning and obsessing about usually brings me great relief and comfort.

Today my roommate was working from home and I had a class day (which meant I was home in the morning before I walked to school for my one and only Monday/Wednesday class). I had finished writing out my high school resentments over the weekend and had moved onto college yesterday afternoon and today. Some of the require some verbal talking through as I'm writing, and the girl I wrote about this morning was one of them. The conversation was animated and eventually just led to a check-in about how I was doing during this whole process.

The answer? Not great. One of the reasons the 12 steps were written and are worked in the order they are is because the first three steps are meant to serve as a strong foundation of trust in a higher power and a letting go of control. They are meant to help you come to believe that you are taken care of, you are loved no matter what, and that God (as you understand him) will be there to take over everything you can't handle yourself (which is more than you realize coming in and is still more than you are capable of even after working the first three steps).

The problem is that you get to a place of security and serenity and then you start your 4th step, a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of yourself. I have to look at all of my resentments, my anger, my moments of self-pity, my "issues", and I get to not only look at them and list them, but I get to see what MY PART IS. I was doing well the first couple months, writing things very systematically and not internalizing anything too much. When I reached high school, I began to see my part and my patterns, and I remembered how I felt during a lot of those moments, even when I saw what my part and responsibility was. I finished high school and started the college list, and the feeling continued. I remember how I felt, how I was frustrated and lonely and angry and confused, and how I did a lot of great things, had some wonderful experiences, made fantastic friends, made decisions that helped me to get to a healthier place of growth and acceptance in a lot of ways, but the underlying nagging feeling of "something's not right" was still there. The whole time. I felt that way in high school, the "what's wrong with me?" feeling, and it continued in college, during GVV, and into my relationships and career and life in Chicago.

I have not felt that way quite so strongly in over a year. I've had a couple moments of it, but mostly I was able to turn it over and was feeling really good in my Al-Anon growth and my decisions about school, my performance at Starbucks, and my ability to change and grow in my friendships (especially my female friendships). But lately, since I've been working on my high school inventory, and since the amazing but challenging reflections and experiences I had at We Are Not Saints, have brought back that feeling of "something's not right, what's wrong with me", and I feel once again far away from God and far away from everyone I was beginning to have healthy intimacy with. I might be exaggerating some, but not much. I know I feel disconnected from God, from my roommate, from my parents, from other friends. I know a lot of it is in my head. And I also know that when I talk and act out of this place, nothing good ever comes from it.

Where my roommate's amazing perspective and the sense of relief I felt this morning comes in is because as I was sharing this with her, she smiled her knowing "I've been there and I can help" smile, and asked me if I had ever heard of the spiral theory. Apparently it's a term used in feminist theology and my roommate has heard of it from Letty Russell (a professor at Yale University School of Divinity). Basically it says that in the center is happiness, and we move in a spiral towards happiness, but the spiral is not equidistant circles around, but more of a slingshot loop... some moments you're closer to happiness and the next moment you might be farther from happiness, but the length of time/distance between closer and farther gets smaller and even if you feel farther away you're closer than you think. She suggested that while I feel like I'm back to the feelings I felt back when I was in college or dating Sully that I have grown more than I probably think and it probably won't take as long to get back to the feeling of happiness and release that I've felt in the past year of program.

It was such a great relief to have that kind of visual, and I'm grateful for her insight. I will definitely need to share these feelings with Annalise tonight and I hope she's receptive and okay and doesn't just brush me off or tell me I'm spinning. I might be, but that doesn't help me practically. I could pray, and I will pray. I prayed this morning after exercising and cried. So I'll keep praying, obviously it helps. :)

I pray that I don't totally ruin any relationships or friendships in the process... always a concern, since I've done it before, and it's possible I'll do it again.

Anyway, that's it for today! One day at a time, hanging onto that mantra. :)

We Are Not Saints

It is an amazing relief to admit and accept that I am not a perfect person. I've spent so much time in my life trying to be perfect, to live up to some astronomically huge expectations for myself, and I've made myself crazy in the process. Granted, I still have high expectations. 15 months in Al-Anon has not relieved me of all my crazy behaviors. My sponsor's been in almost 17 years and she certainly still struggles with her insanity. :) What we talk about is how we now have tools to recognize and deal with the crazy when it comes up. I see it sooner, and I'm learning to take contrary actions.

I am certainly not perfect at this. It's 17 days into 2011 and I've felt kinda blah during most of the month. It's not my usual January "blah" though - it's not the gray weather or the cold temperatures or the lack of color now that Christmas lights and decorations are down. It's more internal than that. I'm working on my personal inventory for my 4th step and I'm looking at a lot of my own stuff. It's fascinating looking at back at my life and looking at patterns, but focusing on resentments and times when I was jealous or angry or whatever is not so much fun. It's helpful, and it's important, but it's tedious and challenging.

This past weekend I was in Skokie for the We Are Not Saints convention. It's an AA Convention with Al-Anon participation. My home group usually attends in droves (and we perform a skit at the banquet... so fun!) This year was no different, except that I actually got to attend this year. Over the course of the weekend (Friday night through Sunday morning) there were 6 AA speakers and 2 Al-Anon speakers. Each speaker opened the way an AA meeting or an Al-Anon meeting would. For the AA speakers, that meant reading a section out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, from the Chapter "How it Works". In that section, we read "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." You'd think hearing the same thing over and over again would get repetitive and annoying, but it wasn't. For me, it was powerful and relieving. The consistent reminder that we are not saints, that I am not perfect, was exactly what I needed to hear this weekend. I needed the reassurance that my journey is more important than achieving perfection. I needed the comfort of a loving God who sees that I'm working on my relationship with him and just wants me to take it easy on myself as I work through all kinds of personal changes.

Anyway, it was a good weekend and I wrote down a lot of great tidbits from the various speakers to keep close by as reminders when I'm having an off day. It's what I do on retreats ;) I definitely had to decompress after the weekend, I was more emotionally worn out than I expected to be yesterday afternoon, and I felt emotionally hungover all last night and most of today. Going back to work tomorrow will be good, but I'm glad it's a short shift. I'll go help a program friend pack up for his upcoming move, do some 4th step writing, then go to a meeting. Wednesday I start class and my spring semester routine will begin. I'm looking forward to it, but I have to remember that even while I take it easy on myself, I still need to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Perspective

I love this program and I love having a sponsor because they help keep things in perspective. When something happens and I feel bad about it, I can talk it out with her or a program friend, read a piece of literature, or just say the serenity prayer and I feel better.

I'm still learning not to beat myself up about simple mistakes. I'm learning to take responsibility, make my amends, and move on. And I'm recognizing that some people will always trigger certain things in me. However, now I know I can choose to respond to the triggers differently. I don't have to listen to my gut reaction, because it often causes me to act or speak in a way I later regret. I'm also learning to clear away people and relationships that trigger me into people-pleasing behaviors. I know that I can't cut out every single person that triggers me because even my closest and dearest friends and most especially my family members will bring out some of my most annoying character defects. But I can learn to stop placing emphasis and importance on people and situations I expect to provide me with positive feedback.

Anyway, I wanted to send this out to the void because it was a helpful situation to experience today.

In God's Time, Not Mine

This past weekend I was in Minnesota for the Christmas holiday, and I feel as though I had the best Christmas I've ever had. It was nice to be with family when we were all in good places in life - there was no drama, no tension, no awkwardness, no underlying anything. My parents, their significant others, and my step-brother are all in a positive place in their journeys. There are still bumps on the road and struggles they're experiencing, but this is the calmest, happiest, and most at peace I've seen any of us in a long time. And that truly warms my heart, and makes me incredibly grateful.

I also spent time with more friends than I thought I had in the Twin Cities. It's amazing what a little time and space can do to help get friendships back on an even keel. I saw two friends I hadn't seen in a number of years, and had wonderful conversations catching up with them. I had no expectations - I went purely to enjoy their company. If I stay in touch beyond that, which hopefully I will, great. If not, I enjoyed the time we had catching up. What's striking to me is both John and Amy are friends from high school I kept up with through most of college and then sort of lost touch with when I went to St. Louis and then moved to Chicago. They are friends I felt were some of closest friends at one time, and I'm grateful we still reach out to each other on occasion despite time and distance. I learn a lot from them, feel valued and supported in their company, am inspired by their faith journeys and career paths and how they live their lives. I enjoy spending time with quality people like that, and it helps when they're people you can be at ease with because you've known each other for so long.

Which brings me to the reason for the subject heading. The cool thing about my family being in such good space and my being able to have the interactions I had with those old friends this weekend is that it didn't happen because any of us forced it or manipulated our way to it or tried to control it. It was just the natural progression of time and growth we are all experiencing that brought us to this time and place. The choices we've made and the things we've let go of over the years have allowed us to be here, now, healthy (or getting there), and open to change and possibility. The one relationship I still need help letting go and not controlling is with the boy I mentioned in a previous post. We had a phenomenal day together on Sunday: lunch in our favorite spot, time with a couple friends, being flirty and having fun at Dave and Buster's (like an adult Chuck-E-Cheese), then spending the evening with my family for our traditional Family Game Night. After Game Night we stayed up late talking, and got to have a REAL talk, mostly about us. In my former life, a talk like that, with no definitive solution and no real conclusion or agreement, would have frustrated me. This time, I just felt so blessed and grateful to even have the open, honest, direct, and sincere conversation we had. Even though it is incredibly difficult not to be able to pursue someone I'm attracted to, someone I trust completely, someone with whom I could see a potentially really amazing thing with, I'm also grateful we're not pursuing it right now.

I'll be honest and say I'm glad to know he feels the attraction and would totally be interested in dating at some point. The affirmation that it's not one-sided was a relief (I didn't think it was one-sided, but I didn't know for sure). However, I'm still working on a lot of things through program (and in general), he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, and there's the added stress of 400+ miles distance. But at least we know where we stand, and we talked about how to communicate better if I start to get a little crazy or he needs to pull back some.

We're still the best of friends and we're still going to be in touch. None of that has changed. I have to work on not obsessing about it and not trying to control it and REALLY learning to turn it over to God. I have to trust that if this is something God wants for us, the way will be made clear in due time. I'm embracing the challenge and the journey, and doing the most I can to stay busy, stay in the present moment, stay in CHICAGO mentally and emotionally, and still stay open to any other relationships or dating possibilities that come my way.

I may think I know what's right, but it's not up to me to decide that. It's up to me to be open to GOD deciding that. IN HIS TIME, NOT MINE. And with whatever steps and detours I'm meant to take along the way.

Stllness Revisited: Do Not Be Afraid of the Tomb

I've had a lot going on and a lot to think about the past few days. I'm working a 6-day stretch for the first time since August in preparation for going home for Christmas. I've had holiday gatherings, early mornings, and of course the occasional challenge staying in the present and remembering all I've learned in the past year.

Monday night I had one of those frustrating ugly moments, and I realized I don't even have to finish my 4th step (though I will) to know what one of my biggest and ugliest character defects is - JEALOUSY. And it's jealousy that exists in my head and is made up in my imagination. It's jealousy derived from trying to fit in with the "cool" kids, the "popular" group, and not appreciating the people who are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE who DO show up for me, love me, support me, and spend time with me. It's jealousy, especially related to stupid boy-relationship stuff, that causes me to get self-deprecating, think I'm not good enough, shut down, cut them off, distrust, and expect people to go away & find someone/something new and better (even if they aren't planning on it or don't even think that way at all). And the ugliest part about this particular instance of jealousy was that it was on the heels of finding out one of the people I was jealous of had JUST found out her uncle had died. What the hell?! What kind of person gets jealous about someone's friendship/relationship with another person (who, yes, is a boy) when she's crying over the loss of a family member? What a freaking eye-opener.

So on the bus ride home I reached out to some friends, not getting in touch with anyone but at least reaching out, to friends who HAVE reciprocated and shown they care about me. I know I have to learn not to rely on other people's approval to feel better, but I don't think this was an exercise in trying to people please. I think this was an exercise in reminding me that God has put people in my life who care and I DO have people in my life who can be and are present to me. When I got home, I vented to my roommate and she was supportive and understanding and encouraging as usual. She nodded her head a lot when I said, "And it's not even about me! It's none of my business! Why do I get so caught up in something that is absolutely none of my concern? It takes away all my energy focusing on something silly and stupid like that."

I knew I had to get up super early this morning so I decided to take a hot bath and use the aromatherapy candle I got as a Christmas gift. As I was praying in the bathtub, I was reminded of Saturday's homily on the 4th Sunday of Advent. I went to Holy Name Cathedral downtown because they had a convenient time after work Saturday. The priest was very conscious that in this busy season it's important to be intentionally reflective, and his homily talked about that. He mentioned visiting another church in a town where he was with family or friends a few weeks back and he was struck by the banners hanging in the church. There were three, and they said "Do not be afraid of silence", "Do not be afraid of yourself", and "Do not be afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do". He then went on to discuss those three ideas and how they follow each other: If you aren't afraid of silence, you get to know yourself better because you're listening more intently and intentionally, and then you become less afraid of what the Lord is asking you to do because you're more in tune with yourself and his request seems less out of the blue (or something to that effect). It was very familiar to what Ignatian Spirituality and Al-Anon have taught me in my prayer and in spiritual life. And the mention of "do not be afraid of silence" reminded me of my word for this year - STILLNESS.

I'm not sure if I've focused on stillness more in the past two months since I received the word or not. I do know that in discussing the past year's "miracles" with my sponsor and sister sponsees last Friday night I did say that I have simplified my life a lot more. I feel like I have less clutter - in terms of obligations, activities, relationships, and material goods. I think I make decisions easier and am able to let go of decisions and unnecessary baggage a lot quicker. So perhaps STILLNESS is creeping into my life in those ways. I am pretty intentional about saying a quick 3-5 minute prayer almost every morning, and I have reminders to pray two other times during the day, just o have that reminder/moment to pause and offer up whatever is going on in the moment to God. I re-center myself and continue on with the day. Some days I really need it, and some days it's just like "Oh! Yeah! I'm having a good day, but thanks for the reminder!"

I also think STILLNESS continues to be an appropriate word for this second year in program because of something my roommate shared Monday when I was venting about this jealousy thing. She said when they were in seminary they joked (only half-jokingly because there's some truth to it) that the reason there are three years in a seminary program is because it represents the Crucifixion, the Tomb, and the Resurrection. She said it's really true because of the personal change and growth you go through when you're in such a spiritually transformative situation like seminary and theological/pastoral studies. I'll paraphrase what I heard, but she said something to the effect of "The Crucifixion hurts, and the tomb is dark, but at the end there's light and lightness." At the end she said, "And like it or not honey, you're in The Tomb this year. And it sucks. But there's hope, and you'll be fine!" She's right - the first year is a year of seeing so much with new perspective and sometimes the change hurts. But the second year you're already changing and you feel like you're in a rhythm, even with its bumps, but you still hit moments of darkness, ugliness, and aloneness. But this is where the STILLNESS comes in. I imagine a tomb would not only be very dark but also VERY quiet. And it's just you and your demons, you and God. But if you allow the silence and stillness to be a time of surrender, then you will find peace.

So my 2011 wish, one of them, will be to surrender my will more, to be more comfortable in the silence and stillness, and to have hope that I'll resurrect from the Tomb IN GOD'S TIME, whatever that time-frame looks like.

Winter: The Oldest and SNOW-iest Season

I love snow. I am such a Midwesterner, and also such a dork. December is my favorite month of the year. I don't even care about the freezing cold. The snow and the colors and the lights and decorations and snow are so beautiful to me. I love it so much!

I volunteer with Special Religious Education, a department of the Archdiocese of Chicago that serves children through adults who are unable to participate in mainstream religious education. We meet every week, and alternate adult prep sessions and our actual sessions with the kids. During the adult prep sessions, there is usually a literary selection we read to help us deepen our understanding of the theme we are reflecting on that week and sharing with the kids the following week. On November 29, our literary selection came from John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. It walked us through the seasons, and described winter as the oldest season:

"Winter is the oldest season. Winter was there from the very beginning. It reigned amidst the silence and bleakness of nature for hundreds of millions of years before vegetation."

He continues on to describe the remaining seasons: Spring's youthfulness, bringing forth promise, hope, possibility, and life. Summertime's sense of balance, bringing light, growth, arrival, a time when we fully blossom and can take risks because you've got enough support and shelter to protect and ground you. Autumn's harvest, when the fruits of the spring and summer are yielded and the great feast of the year can be had - when the things of the past and the experiences one has had now bring forth their fruit.

O'Donohue's description of the seasons reads as though describing humanity's life cycle, which I believe is the point. He references/compares it to the soul quite often. There are times when reading something like this would be depressing, but when we read it at SPRED, I was deeply touched. I completely identified with winter as the oldest season.

It's the time of year when everyone is just a bit more friendly, a bit more warm, a bit more joyful, a bit more understanding. It seems as though the older people get, the more they realize how unnecessary facades are. They become more open, accepting, and giving. So it is with winter, or at least the months of November and December when we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I can't think of much more to say about it than that - it was striking to me when we read it, meditated on it, and talked about it, so I wanted to share.

Enjoy the snow and cold and warmth and glow!

Unnecessary Baggage

My roommate is a lay member of the United Methodist Church, and she recently (last week) made the final decision not to be ordained. She's been in this discernment process for quite a number of years. Last year she decided to go for deacon and not elder, and even with that it seems she felt stressed. Last week she finally realized that God is not calling her to ordination, but is calling her to work for justice and peace as a lay minister. She can still be involved in worship and liturgy as a lay person, and she has the freedom to focus on helping those who need a voice (which she is phenomenal at by the way).

Anyway, today she wrote this: "If I had any doubts about lay ministry, my body's response would definitely quell them. Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!"

I completely agree! The body's response to our emotional and spiritual health is amazing. I used to have a lot of callous and wart problems on the heels of my feet. I had even gotten a couple small warts on three fingers. No matter what medicine I used, I could never get rid of them. They would reduce, but never go away. About a year after my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, we were trying to be friends again, and had been getting together occasionally to catch up. Around Thanksgiving last year, a few weeks after we had seen each other last, I sent him a text message to wish him luck with moving and a work-related project. He completely blew me off, and that was the last straw. I realized I did not want to deal with his crap anymore. If we were going to be friends, then be a friend. If not, I did not have to put up with it. So I told God, and my friends, "I am officially done. This is IT." Within a month, I KID YOU NOT, the warts on my fingers were gone, and the ones on my heels had subsided. They are now mostly gone too.

I have also battled weight issues for most of my life. Some of it is learned behaviors of over-eating, stress-eating, etc., and some of it is genetic constitution (my dad's side of the family tends to be overweight). I sometimes get obsessed about it. Not so much about the calories or exercise or anything (I've had enough friends with legitimate eating disorders and my brain, though crazy, has never gone over-the-top nuts about food/exercise). I do, however, get obsessed about the number on the scale sometimes. I can tell when my clothes don't feel right so I start to get a little panicky and controlling about it. However, my roommate and my sponsor both said something to me about it this last time, and I realized my crazy obsessive thinking extended not just to relationships and people, but to my body image/physical health as well. Because of that correlation, I then realized I could turn that over to God just as much as any other struggle. The amazing thing is that over the past couple months I've been able to maintain and lose a little bit, and be at the lowest weight I've had all year. I'm able to turn over meal-times, food cravings, and food choices to God. I'm continuing to just walk, stay active, and focus on the healthy eating habits I've learned over the years (drinking lots of water, having enough fruits and vegetables, having a balanced diet with protein and fiber). I can feel a difference and I know it's not because of anything I'm necessarily doing differently. I'm just not obsessed about it or trying to control the outcome.

I give these two examples, because my roommate's comment about how "Getting out of bed, Not over eating, smiling, even maintaining good posture is easier when I'm not dragging an unnecessary load!" is right on the money. How many times do we carry around crap, baggage, resentments, wrong decisions, etc., that are so unnecessary? Our body, our mind, our spirit, are all much happier and healthier when we can turn things over to God and allow him to guide us into right decision-making.

I'm currently working on my 4th step. I'm not even through my family and early childhood friends, and already I see patterns. I'm anticipating what's going to happen when I get into grade school, high school, college, and beyond. I already know some of the things that will come up, and it's not pretty to look at it all. As a matter of fact, at times it's downright ugly to look at, and it's hard not to get depressed or frustrated looking at the ugly. I can feel the burden and the baggage. It's not "unnecessary" baggage in one respect because it's helping me making changes in my life, and seeing patterns allows me to break them. However, it's unnecessary to carry it around in order to beat myself up.

My sponsor said the 4th step is really what it says - an inventory, an "I have this many cans of corn, and this many boxes of brownie mix" situation. I have to keep reminding myself of that or I will get overwhelmed and my body and spirit will be negatively affected. Having a blog and sharing the journey with the unknown void allows me to be accountable, and for that I'm grateful!

Gratitude, Humility, and Surrender

I've been trying to write a blog post at least once per week because I have so many thoughts rolling around in my brain and it helps to get it down on paper every so often. So far it's been a great way to share with the great unknown world my own experience, strength, and hope, if such a thing exists :)

This past week was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful. Ever since last week when my crazy stories got me in trouble and I had to work consciously on curbing my obsessive thinking, I've been in a funky mood. I was also anticipating how busy this weekend would be at work, and how I wouldn't really get to relax when so many other people get to take a long weekend and even travel "home" or somewhere else to see family or do something fun. For me, not getting caught up in the bitter moments and focusing on all the possible negative can be challenging sometimes. Even reminding myself to be grateful and find (or even write down) things I'm thankful for doesn't always work.

This year, however, I found a quote. I clung to this quote because it carried the weight of a few key words I strive to foster in my own life. The quote came in an email from Tommy Newberry, who's the author of The 4:8 Principle . He's a big believer and proponent of gratitude and positive thinking, and uses Philippians 4:8 (a Bible verse) as his mantra and inspiration. Anyway, the email was talking about Thanksgiving and practicing gratitude. In it, he says "Gratitude is a conviction, a practice, & a discipline. It’s an essential nutrient for the soul, a spiritual amino acid for human growth, creativity & joy."

Wow. Gratitude is an action, a practice, a discipline, a conviction. It is not just some flimsy or whimsical ideal, it is something concrete and tangible that we have to work on every single day. It's like writing a daily blog in order to hone your writing skills, or hitting the batting cages in baseball in order to improve your swing and increase your hitting average. You have to practice gratitude. That means that even if you're not feeling particularly thankful or grateful, you should think about it anyway and make yourself come up with items for a gratitude list or just force yourself to note the people or situations or things you are grateful for at any given day or time, whether it's the little kids playing tag you saw in the park by your house or the friend who called you out of the blue just to say hi. For me, sometimes it's the big picture things ("I'm grateful my relationships with my parents are improving and we can communicate better and more effectively than we ever have") and sometimes it's simple tiny things "I'm grateful for my cat who snuggled with me in bed this morning because she's cute and warm and makes me smile and feel loved.")

The second part of the quote, about it being an essential nutrient for the soul that helps build and grow creativity and joy, really hit home for me. As I continue to take art classes, explore psychological and spiritual principles, hone my hospitality skills, and practice being of humble service every day, I am seeking to grow and strengthen my creativity and my joy. I believe I am creative person, and it's no wonder to me that someone who practices gratitude faithfully is able to have an open mind and heart to the creative process. When you are grateful, you are free. Thankfulness and gratitude open the heart, mind, and soul to receive gifts many would never see. And the smallest act of kindness, the smallest moment of quiet or beauty, the inner space that gratitude provides can lead to the most striking inspiration. The inner space gratitude provides also allows your true self to emerge and allows you to focus on being of service and finding joy in that surrender.

Humility and surrender are near to the top of my prayer list these days. If I'm to overcome my obsessive thinking, it's going to come from a willingness to turn over my crap to God. It's going to happen when I willingly surrender my will to God and allow him to fill my mind and heart with gratitude and the desire to be of service and focus on my singleness of purpose. I didn't used to understand surrender... I wanted to be in charge and thought that I could do it all with God's help, but that God's help was secondary and would just come in terms of strengthening my own will and assets. Now I realize that I can't do it all myself and that my greatest successes will come when I ask for help, get out of the way, and allow God's grace to work through me in his time and in his fashion. It's hard, but the prayer for surrender comes easier, and I understand the necessity of surrender more than I did before.

Hopefully this coming year I will be able to focus more on gratitude, allowing space for my creativity to grow and my joy to overflow. I hope to continue asking for the willingness to surrender and be of humble service, so that God's will may be done and I may find peace, serenity, and joy in watching his will work in my life.

"I make up these stories in my head"

There is a reason I was always good at creative writing. It was because I was great at making up these grand stories in my head, where I had "real" conversations with people that didn't exist (or with people who existed that I had never actually met or been friends with). I would make up these grandiose connections and somehow make myself look and feel important in them - either pitied, or "special", or a "tragic hero" type figure. Whether it was pretending I had an older brother who was sent away when I was five and never heard from again, being officially accepted into the competitive dance lines at my studio and being friends with all of them, or even the normal "daydream turned obsession" about whatever boy I had a crush on at the time, I was great at making up stories.

I laugh, though, because "was" actually means "am." I may not have the same daydreams or storytelling (in my head) about being special or having a unique connection to any particular group. I'm happy to say I have real friends, real groups I belong to, and am more self-confident in my ability to be and keep good friends. However, the "making up stories in my head" business STILL comes into play with regards to boys and relationships. I think I feel this connection with someone, and I start to daydream about what it would be like to date that person, and before you know I've made us soulmates and am obsessed with creating an intimacy and developing a closeness that may or may not have existed before.

Now, this is not to say that closeness and intimacy with these boys does not or cannot exist. I just push it too hard, and I try to force it, and I don't really allow anything natural to develop at all. This is a really ugly pattern, and one I really want to change. However, I know I cannot change it myself (thank God). I also know that I'm not quite in a place or space or mind frame TO change it. My sponsor says it takes time, and she says working through my fourth and fifth and sixth steps will help a lot (4th step being the big one... 5 and 6 are just conversations and prayer... REALLY important conversations and prayer, but not the same amount of writing and internal reflecting that the 4th step entails).

So... I'm going to keep trying to take steps back, try to offer up my obsessive thinking, try to focus on living in the present and using my resources and doing my work and being of service. I'm going to let go of my need to be or have someone be something specific to me right now, or ever. I'm going to focus on changing myself - my own thinking and attitudes and not worrying what might or might not be happening in my life regarding another person. I want to give "...whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8) the chance to grow and mature and breathe.

Creativity Abounds!

I love being in art classes. When I was growing up, I always loved the art projects for class. Creative writing projects probably came first, but art/craft projects probably came a very close second. Both stretched the bounds of my limited analytical thinking, and both allowed me to express myself safely without fear of criticism. Somehow I always knew that it was what I thought about them that mattered the most. If I colored a picture for a coloring contest and liked how it turned out, if I was pleased with the story or essay, if I liked the way I was able to master some skill in some fashion for an art project, it did not matter to me if anyone else liked it. I'm sure in some form or fashion I wanted to be liked and for my things to be approved of and appreciated, and I know that was true in a number of OTHER things in my life. But in terms of my creativity, I think I've always felt some freedom and peace in my expression.

That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities about it. I am terrified that my art will not be good enough to allow me a place in the occupation of art therapy. It doesn't matter that I do have skill and talent, that I am working hard to perfect and grow those skills and talents, AND that I have a great ability to talk about my creative process and my completed works. I know I have what it takes to be a successful, compassionate, creative, and wonderful art therapist. But I'm still insecure about my ability to be seen in a professional environment as a strong and talented artist when there are so many people in the field who have art degrees and backgrounds.

The blessing of my life journey this past year is that I am seeing my insecurities more clearly AND I'm learning to proactively work to change them versus working to change my reactions to them. I still need to be aware of and change how I react to my insecurities and be watchful and mindful of how they can play out in my interactions with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. However, how I have the ability and willingness to look one step deeper and attack the insecurities themselves.

For example, WHY do I feel insecure in my art abilities? Well, probably because I've only been taking classes for three semesters and am still very new to the drawing and painting scenes. I'm still very inexperienced with the media, even if I have shown some aptitude for them in my classes. Well, one way to improve and become more confident in a skill such as drawing or painting is to practice! And out of that thought came the inspiration to create a small 8x10 painting for each of my family members for Christmas, AND to use a few of my photography assignment prints to create gifts for a couple friends.

These projects will not only give me practice working with different media, they will also be great additions to my portfolio, will allow me to create something of myself for people I like, and will probably inspire future projects!

I'm very excited about what the next month will bring in terms of my art and creative endeavors. I continue to work on writing my 4th step, which is about the extent of my creative writing these days (except these occasional blog posts). I am contemplating what classes to take next semester and believe I am close to deciding on two classes. I think I will be able to create my portfolio next summer without too much hassle or fear. I am really looking forward to continuing this creative journey and seeing what will come out of my untapped imagination next!

Can't Sleep

It's after 4:30 in the morning and I've been wide awake for almost two hours after sleeping for only three hours previously. I have no idea why that is. Perhaps my body didn't like the caffeinated beverage at 4:30 p.m.? I've had soda after 4:00 before, I didn't think espresso was that much different. I only had a tall size, which is only one shot of espresso. I was falling asleep on the train to the meeting and was sleeping during the meeting at moments. Then on my walk back I seemed to pick up a bit, but still felt tired. But after talking to Audrey and hanging out for a couple hours before she went to bed, I was suddenly wide awake. I stayed up until 11:30, which is weird, especially considering how tired I had been yesterday (today? hard to tell what to call it at this point). And then I woke up to go to the bathroom after tossing and turning and coming out of a dream sleep a little before 3:00 a.m. And rather than toss and turn trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I grabbed the computer and decided to bum around on here. I got my Gmail inbox cleaned out (normally that puts me to sleep... no luck). I planned out some of my Christmas shopping list, though being a very broke student I don't have much to BUY. I had a little snack of Honey Nut Cheerios and chocolate chips (with milk of course) because my stomach was GROWLING and figured if I was up for 90 minutes a middle of the night meal or snack was okay. We burn calories while sleeping anyway, or so I've been told.

So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.

My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.

I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.

It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.

She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.

Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.

The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."

Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.

So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.

Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?

I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.

WAIT and THINK

My Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting is a literature meeting, meaning we read a section from a specific conference-approved book and our personal sharing revolves around the themes said reading evokes. A couple weeks ago the reading was from the section on slogans, specifically a section called "Think."

We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.

A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.

I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!

Stillness

This month I celebrated the one-year anniversary of coming into Al-Anon. As a fellowship and program for friends and families of alcoholics, it provides a safe space for those of us with loved ones who drink to talk, share, and find some peace and serenity. What most don't realize when coming in is that Al-Anon helps change ourselves so we can think and behave differently when faced with life's challenges, whether it's the alcoholic(s) in our lives or not.

I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.

One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.

This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.

This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.

I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.

So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.

Willingness

Tonight I am giving a lead/reflection on the topic of Willingness and Self-Care at my Al-Anon meeting. The idea of "willingness" came up when I was reflecting on my prayer and how it had changed over the course of this first year in program. A friend I was talking to one day pointed out that I needed to be willing to ask for what I needed, otherwise I would continue to expect things from people who might not have any idea what I needed or wanted from them. It came down to being clear and direct in my expectations and also becoming aware of what I truly need to get by day-to-day. It doesn't have to be major things, even something simple like an air-conditioner or a nap, but it could also be asking for someone's prayers or asking for financial help when I'm in a bind or assistance moving furniture because I can't do it by myself. The ideas of being able to ask and being willing to ask are concepts I didn't really understand until I came into Al-Anon and started working the steps. I used to think I was asking for God's help or seeking God's will, but I didn't really know what to ask for or what I really needed. My boundaries are becoming clearer, and therefore my prayers are becoming clearer. I now pray for the willingness to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn things over to God, and to be of humble service. That's my daily mantra, and all my actions, thoughts, and prayers try to center on those core ideas. If I need to take a step back and go to another room because a coworker or customer is triggering me, I can do that. I can ask God for the willingness and ability to do that. If I know I need prayers going into a particular situation that may be stressful or exhausting, I can ask for God's grace and peace to be with me, and I can ask my friends (in and out of program) to pray for me. I can turn over my concerns at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, and know at my deepest core that God has it taken care of, and I am going to be okay. I can also willingly do things for others, even if it seems like I'm giving more than I'm getting. I still struggle with the idea of doing for others even when I am not getting something in return, but I'm learning where to place my boundaries and stop giving when my tank is running empty. That prevents me from getting over-extended and then getting resentful.

Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.

I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.

I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!

Don't Get Lost in the Crowd

When I joined Al-Anon, it was a combination of several factors that drew me to the decision. One, I knew that my part in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was pretty distorted and dysfunctional. I knew I had largely contributed to the relationship not working out, and could even identify some of my character faults. I just didn't know how to change them. Secondly, I recognized them as patterns not only in that relationship but it other friendships and relationships as well. I didn't want to keep being the same person and doing the same things over and over again. Third, I had some awareness and insight that perhaps growing up the child of a recovering alcoholic, the child of divorce, and an ONLY child at that, probably all contributed and played some role. I considered therapy to deal with the divorce and even alcoholism factors, but wasn't sure a therapist would be enough. I had heard of Al-Anon in a passing kind of way, but had never really looked into it for myself. It was when a friend told me, "You know, you rely too much on other people for your happiness" and I replied "I know! And I don't know how to change it!" that I realized I should get help.

After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)