I love being in art classes. When I was growing up, I always loved the art projects for class. Creative writing projects probably came first, but art/craft projects probably came a very close second. Both stretched the bounds of my limited analytical thinking, and both allowed me to express myself safely without fear of criticism. Somehow I always knew that it was what I thought about them that mattered the most. If I colored a picture for a coloring contest and liked how it turned out, if I was pleased with the story or essay, if I liked the way I was able to master some skill in some fashion for an art project, it did not matter to me if anyone else liked it. I'm sure in some form or fashion I wanted to be liked and for my things to be approved of and appreciated, and I know that was true in a number of OTHER things in my life. But in terms of my creativity, I think I've always felt some freedom and peace in my expression.
That doesn't mean I don't have insecurities about it. I am terrified that my art will not be good enough to allow me a place in the occupation of art therapy. It doesn't matter that I do have skill and talent, that I am working hard to perfect and grow those skills and talents, AND that I have a great ability to talk about my creative process and my completed works. I know I have what it takes to be a successful, compassionate, creative, and wonderful art therapist. But I'm still insecure about my ability to be seen in a professional environment as a strong and talented artist when there are so many people in the field who have art degrees and backgrounds.
The blessing of my life journey this past year is that I am seeing my insecurities more clearly AND I'm learning to proactively work to change them versus working to change my reactions to them. I still need to be aware of and change how I react to my insecurities and be watchful and mindful of how they can play out in my interactions with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. However, how I have the ability and willingness to look one step deeper and attack the insecurities themselves.
For example, WHY do I feel insecure in my art abilities? Well, probably because I've only been taking classes for three semesters and am still very new to the drawing and painting scenes. I'm still very inexperienced with the media, even if I have shown some aptitude for them in my classes. Well, one way to improve and become more confident in a skill such as drawing or painting is to practice! And out of that thought came the inspiration to create a small 8x10 painting for each of my family members for Christmas, AND to use a few of my photography assignment prints to create gifts for a couple friends.
These projects will not only give me practice working with different media, they will also be great additions to my portfolio, will allow me to create something of myself for people I like, and will probably inspire future projects!
I'm very excited about what the next month will bring in terms of my art and creative endeavors. I continue to work on writing my 4th step, which is about the extent of my creative writing these days (except these occasional blog posts). I am contemplating what classes to take next semester and believe I am close to deciding on two classes. I think I will be able to create my portfolio next summer without too much hassle or fear. I am really looking forward to continuing this creative journey and seeing what will come out of my untapped imagination next!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Can't Sleep
It's after 4:30 in the morning and I've been wide awake for almost two hours after sleeping for only three hours previously. I have no idea why that is. Perhaps my body didn't like the caffeinated beverage at 4:30 p.m.? I've had soda after 4:00 before, I didn't think espresso was that much different. I only had a tall size, which is only one shot of espresso. I was falling asleep on the train to the meeting and was sleeping during the meeting at moments. Then on my walk back I seemed to pick up a bit, but still felt tired. But after talking to Audrey and hanging out for a couple hours before she went to bed, I was suddenly wide awake. I stayed up until 11:30, which is weird, especially considering how tired I had been yesterday (today? hard to tell what to call it at this point). And then I woke up to go to the bathroom after tossing and turning and coming out of a dream sleep a little before 3:00 a.m. And rather than toss and turn trying to force myself to go back to sleep, I grabbed the computer and decided to bum around on here. I got my Gmail inbox cleaned out (normally that puts me to sleep... no luck). I planned out some of my Christmas shopping list, though being a very broke student I don't have much to BUY. I had a little snack of Honey Nut Cheerios and chocolate chips (with milk of course) because my stomach was GROWLING and figured if I was up for 90 minutes a middle of the night meal or snack was okay. We burn calories while sleeping anyway, or so I've been told.
So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.
My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.
I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.
It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.
She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.
Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.
The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."
Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.
So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.
Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?
I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.
So I decided it was time to put "pen to paper" so to speak, and write another entry, this one a bit more personal. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I feel the need to put it out into the void of cosmic blog-land.
My roommate has this great phrase called "the possibility of the possibility." She uses it primarily in terms of this ongoing "romantic interest that isn't anything more than friendship though there have been a few romantic-type moments the few times we've hung out and we talk every day regularly throughout the day" situation she has with a friend in the Atlanta area. She and I live in Chicago, and she's only met the man a few times. But after spending time together in October, they talked and both were open to "the possibility of the possibility." What this means is they would both be interested in seeing if something progressed further, but neither are in a place (in life, geographically, etc.) to actively pursue something so they're just remaining really good friends knowing this other aspect of the friendship is a possibility they're both open to exploring someday.
I wish I had my roommates self-awareness and ability to be content in that kind of situation. I too have a guy in my life I'd love to explore a romantic possibility with. It's someone I've known for almost half my life. We were friends in high school, and reconnected second semester of freshman year of college, and have been good friends ever since. We know so much about each other, and we can talk about anything. He's someone I rely on for prayers and support with family stuff, encouragement in terms of school and faith formation activities, laughter, comfort, and more. Off and on over the years I've wondered if something could ever exist between us. I remember one specific instance sitting outside on the porch of the town house in Maple Grove I lived in, and we were talking about relationships (we were in college, I don't remember how old, maybe the summer between sophomore and junior year). And it was just a fleeting thing, nothing serious, we both just brushed it off. I think I asked and he kind of brushed it off. There have been other moments when I've wondered... and I've been in various stages of how I felt about it.
It took over a year to get over my ex, and has taken a second full year to get myself back into some semblance of mental health and confidence. Al-Anon has helped a great deal, as has living with a roommate who knows, understands, loves, challenges, supports, encourages, and helps me. We have an amazing friendship and roommate relationship, and I couldn't ask for a better roommate or living situation. I swear that whenever I do enter into a romantic relationship again, or marriage, or whatever, I have an awesome example of what a healthy relationship of ANY sort looks like. We over-communicate, listen, support, encourage, share the chores and daily living tasks, can stand up for ourselves yet also be kind and thoughtful and aware of the other person's needs and feelings. If we disagree we either reach a compromise or agree to disagree. It's wonderful.
She also knows me so well by now, and has walked this first year of Al-Anon with me (as has this guy friend). She knows all about my most recent ex-relationship. When I've talked to her about this boy situation and my friend back home, she gets it. She has met him and totally approves, and she knows where I'm at with being open to a romantic possibility again.
Here's the thing. I don't want to push, I don't want to manipulate, I don't want to rush, I don't want to control, I don't want to try to force my way. I don't know if this is something God wants for me, and I'm trying to be open to his will and not mine. For so long, especially in romantic relationships, I've been the driving force in making it happen or keeping it going. I've initiated every single relationship I've been in, even my high school boyfriend (I asked him to our Sadie Hawkins dance, where girls ask boys, though he did take the next step and ask me to the Winter Formal... but it was when we were hanging out one night after that where I brought up us and we had to talk about whether we were dating or not). With my most recent ex, I recognized a signal that he was attracted to me and interested, and I initiated activities that encouraged it, then he kissed me and we began dating. I also initiated each of the break-ups with that particular ex. I think so much of it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and I was young and immature and didn't know how to handle the seriousness and the intensity of the relationship. I think we were both too young and immature, and I don't think either of us knew what we REALLY wanted, even though we talked very seriously about marriage for a good portion of our relationship and seemed to be on the same page.
The next time I start dating, I don't want to be the one that has to initiate the whole thing. I want to be able to share a mutual attraction, and let the guy take the lead for once. I want to be content waiting, and I want to be content maybe opening the door 85% and being content waiting for him (whoever "he" may be) to come the final 15%. (this is a take on a reference in the movie "Hitch" if anyone has seen it, when he's talking about goodnight kisses). In terms of this one particular guy, I know he's shy. I know he has a hard time being vulnerable, even with me and he's known me for a LONG time. Last Christmas when I casually brought it up, he said it's difficult to start something long-distance (he's back home in Minnesota, and I'm in Chicago). However, I said, "It doesn't sound like you're totally against the possibility/idea." and he must have said something to affirm that because I remember responding, "Well that's all I need to know right now."
Over the course of this past year we've grown closer again, reconnected as friends, talked more regularly than we have in years, he came to visit in August, and even met a few of my girlfriends. In the past month or so, I've become increasingly aware how grateful I am for his presence, increasingly aware of my attraction towards him, and increasingly wishful in regards to us being in the same city or being able to see what could possibly be. But I can't make it be something it's not, and I can't make it be something NOW if it's meant to be something at all.
So I guess what it all boils down to is this... I'm open to a possibility, to "the possibility of a possibility" of a romantic connection and future with a friend I care deeply about. I think he's open to it in some capacity, but we're 400 miles apart, we're both in jobs not related to the career goals we have, and I think in some respects we're both scared. I don't know what I want, and I sure as hell don't know what HE wants. What I DO know is I've got so much more personal work to do before I can really be in a long-term serious relationship. I am just starting my 4th step, which is the "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. After I clear all that garbage away and eventually start making amends, I'll be in a much different place.
Can I be patient and wait for God to give me a clue as to what my future holds romantically? Can I allow him to pick the person who will sweep me off my feet and fight for me? Can I give my will over to God and ask him to give me the trust and faith it will take to not try to fix, manage, and control whatever relationship I have next?
I hope so. I'm certainly going to try.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
WAIT and THINK
My Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting is a literature meeting, meaning we read a section from a specific conference-approved book and our personal sharing revolves around the themes said reading evokes. A couple weeks ago the reading was from the section on slogans, specifically a section called "Think."
We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.
A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.
I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!
We joke about this slogan because one of the biggest reasons we are in Al-Anon for help is because we've spent our lives thinking too much. We try to "fix, manage, and control" and tend to over-think and over-analyze. As it says in the suggested opening, "Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it." But what the slogan "Think" is trying to help us remember is that 1. we can STOP and THINK when we're about to react, and 2. we have choices in how we allow our thoughts to manifest themselves in words and actions. "Think" from a program perspective becomes about allowing our higher power to enter into our space, and help us take a step back to think through our choices and find the best response before we offer a knee-jerk reaction that we will in all likelihood have to apologize for later.
A friend who shared at this meeting gave two great acronyms to help us remember to WAIT and THINK before acting and speaking. Here's my personal summary of what I heard: When tempted to act/react without thinking, ask if your word or action is Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind (THINK). Then think about whether to say or do. Also, consider "Why Am I Talking?" (WAIT) Sometimes it is better to be quiet and listen.
I'm so grateful for this reminder. I hope it's helpful for others as well!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Stillness
This month I celebrated the one-year anniversary of coming into Al-Anon. As a fellowship and program for friends and families of alcoholics, it provides a safe space for those of us with loved ones who drink to talk, share, and find some peace and serenity. What most don't realize when coming in is that Al-Anon helps change ourselves so we can think and behave differently when faced with life's challenges, whether it's the alcoholic(s) in our lives or not.
I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.
One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.
This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.
This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.
I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.
So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.
I'm grateful that I knew to some extent coming in that I was the one who needed help, who needed to change. I could see some of what needed to change, but I certainly couldn't see all of it. I was in pain, and I didn't even know the full extent of my pain. However, over the course of the past year, listening to others' share their experience, strength, and hope, I have become more aware of my own patterns and triggers. I am starting to see myself more clearly, issues and all, and am coming to a greater acceptance of that which I cannot change and a greater confidence and courage to change that which I can.
One of the beautiful things about this program is the family and fellowship it provides. I attend two meetings weekly and both provide unconditional love and support. My home group in particular is full of men and women who accept me, challenge me, love me just as I am, regardless of where I'm at in my journey. They ask how I am and actually care. If I mention a struggle, they get it. If I share a joy, they celebrate with me. I get hugs and hellos and smiles from people I have come to regard as friends and family.
This particular group celebrates "Al-Anon Birthdays" (anniversaries) during the regular meeting once a month. For October, we had 6 people to celebrate. It was an amazing witness to the strength of the program and the love we have for each other. One tradition includes the sponsor of said birthday boy/girl to get up and introduce him/her, talk about the year and give the person a word/phrase. The word or phrase can be reflective of the past year and/or something to work towards in the year to come. It's always fun to see what word the person is given, and it's always cool to reflect on and hear how we can all apply that word to our lives.
This year, for my first birthday, my sponsor gave me the word "STILLNESS." As a very busy girl - going to school part-time and working part-time, with friends and a roommate and a weekly volunteer commitment and Al-Anon meetings/step-work - I don't often take time or get time for STILLNESS, and respite from the whirlwind of daily life. It sometimes causes me to beat myself up or be too hard on myself because I didn't get everything done. I have come a long way in the past year regarding letting go of the things I just don't get done in a given day or week. But, as she said in the card she gave me, "My wish for you - as you continue to walk the path in the coming year - is a respite for your heart and soul. Less thinking, more inner space." She said we become so aware of things in the first year, that we're constantly bursting at the seams with new insight and new reflections. Now that I've finished the first three steps and have a deeper awareness of things, now it's time to take that step back and allow my life to have some STILLNESS. Some QUIET. Some INNER SPACE to JUST BE.
I am learning to turn my brain off and listen to my heart more. I'm praying for the willingness to let God in and let God lead. He's going to have a much more powerful, profound, and peaceful effect on me than I will if I keep trying to lead and control. I've finished my first three steps, and will soon take on the task of doing my "fearless and searching more inventory of myself." That is going to require a lot of stillness, a lot of inner space, a lot of peace, and a lot of letting go and turning things over to God.
So this coming year I will focus on increasing the STILLNESS in my life. I'm so excited to see what's in store next.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Willingness
Tonight I am giving a lead/reflection on the topic of Willingness and Self-Care at my Al-Anon meeting. The idea of "willingness" came up when I was reflecting on my prayer and how it had changed over the course of this first year in program. A friend I was talking to one day pointed out that I needed to be willing to ask for what I needed, otherwise I would continue to expect things from people who might not have any idea what I needed or wanted from them. It came down to being clear and direct in my expectations and also becoming aware of what I truly need to get by day-to-day. It doesn't have to be major things, even something simple like an air-conditioner or a nap, but it could also be asking for someone's prayers or asking for financial help when I'm in a bind or assistance moving furniture because I can't do it by myself. The ideas of being able to ask and being willing to ask are concepts I didn't really understand until I came into Al-Anon and started working the steps. I used to think I was asking for God's help or seeking God's will, but I didn't really know what to ask for or what I really needed. My boundaries are becoming clearer, and therefore my prayers are becoming clearer. I now pray for the willingness to take care of myself, ask for what I need, turn things over to God, and to be of humble service. That's my daily mantra, and all my actions, thoughts, and prayers try to center on those core ideas. If I need to take a step back and go to another room because a coworker or customer is triggering me, I can do that. I can ask God for the willingness and ability to do that. If I know I need prayers going into a particular situation that may be stressful or exhausting, I can ask for God's grace and peace to be with me, and I can ask my friends (in and out of program) to pray for me. I can turn over my concerns at the beginning, middle, and end of every day, and know at my deepest core that God has it taken care of, and I am going to be okay. I can also willingly do things for others, even if it seems like I'm giving more than I'm getting. I still struggle with the idea of doing for others even when I am not getting something in return, but I'm learning where to place my boundaries and stop giving when my tank is running empty. That prevents me from getting over-extended and then getting resentful.
Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.
I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.
I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!
Willingness and self-care did not look like this for me before program. I used to think I was willing to do something, but I often had an attitude about it - "that's not my job" or "why can't S/HE do it" or "I was going to spend that time doing something else" - all whiny, all self-centered, and all ugly. Self-care consisted of isolation resulting from over-extending beyond what I was able so I snapped and had to retreat far into myself in order to recharge my batteries. I was always good at taking mental health days in college and after college, but I always felt guilty about it and I also usually just stayed in and didn't do anything productive, fun, energizing, or life-giving to fill that time. Exercise and nutritional eating has been a focus of mine for many years, but I still don't do it to the extent I'd like, and that's because I'm not always willing to. I am learning the balance in that area of self-care, but honestly I tend to see more problems and be more concerned with my emotional self-care and how willing I am to be good to myself, be patient with myself, and take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am still not great at asking for what I need, because sometimes I don't necessarily KNOW what I need. It's hard for me to open up and ask for intimacy and help when I don't feel confident in myself as to what I'm really looking for or what I expect you to do or be or say.
I'm so grateful for this program and I'm happy I finally have the tools, resources, and forum to explore some of the issues I've been aware I have (to some extent) for a long time.
I feel good about this lead... I hope to goes well!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Don't Get Lost in the Crowd
When I joined Al-Anon, it was a combination of several factors that drew me to the decision. One, I knew that my part in my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was pretty distorted and dysfunctional. I knew I had largely contributed to the relationship not working out, and could even identify some of my character faults. I just didn't know how to change them. Secondly, I recognized them as patterns not only in that relationship but it other friendships and relationships as well. I didn't want to keep being the same person and doing the same things over and over again. Third, I had some awareness and insight that perhaps growing up the child of a recovering alcoholic, the child of divorce, and an ONLY child at that, probably all contributed and played some role. I considered therapy to deal with the divorce and even alcoholism factors, but wasn't sure a therapist would be enough. I had heard of Al-Anon in a passing kind of way, but had never really looked into it for myself. It was when a friend told me, "You know, you rely too much on other people for your happiness" and I replied "I know! And I don't know how to change it!" that I realized I should get help.
After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)
After 8 months in the program, I'm not anywhere near a full understanding of myself or my "Al-Anon disease" nor do I have anywhere near a strong enough concept of how to overcome my issues. Hell, I'm still learning some of them! But that awareness is such an incredible journey, and the openness, honesty, and depth with which I'm looking at and talking about myself is life-changing. It sounds dramatic, but the subtly of Al-Anon can turn your life with the click of an "Ah-Ha!" kind of switch. For example, recently I was back in the throes of feeling left out with a group of people I'd wanted to be friends with and had started to develop individual relationships with. After about two weeks of this, I finally figured out why I was feeling that way - it was because I consistently and constantly define myself based on inclusion in a group. What I'm learning is that Al-Anon teaches us not just to focus on things one day at a time, but also to focus on one relationship at a time. I know that sounds so simple, but for someone like me it's not. Even being aware and seeing this pattern with the clarity I see it now is new and life-changing. I could probably have danced around this reality for a long time, seeing parts of the pattern but never seeing the whole picture. Al-Anon helps me see the whole picture, helps me find a sense of self-esteem and personal individuality and identity. It helps me not get lost in the crowd :)
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
The Power of Words
In April I began my Al-Anon 12-step work, and have found it to be a fascinating journey so far. Although Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics, we work the 12 steps of AA ourselves. In Al-Anon we find that changing our perspectives, our thinking, and our behaviors can have a profound effect in improving the relationships and situations we find ourselves in. I've been in Al-Anon since October 2009 (nearly 8 months now), and am already feeling and finding change happening within me. Friends I see regularly and those I see very rarely have all commented on the joy and glow that seems to be radiating out of me. I don't notice it particularly myself, but I do know and feel that I have a bit more internal peace and happiness than I did 6, 9, 12 months ago. It is amazing to me how much has changed in such a short amount of time. And as I continue working my steps, even more change will occur. I remember thinking the other night as I hustled between my own Starbucks store and one three blocks away that got slammed during a sunny and busy holiday weekend evening and needed an extra hand - "I feel like I'm going to come out of this summer wondering what the HELL just happened?!" I just have a sense that a lot of change will happen this summer, and a lot of it will be positive. We'll see if that materializes. I can't worry about what life will be like in August, I can only think about what I'm going to do with today and how I'm going to make the most of this beautiful, sunny, summer Tuesday day off.
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
But that's the power of Al-Anon and the 12-step work. Just as we learn to take things one day at a time and learn how to do the "next right thing", even working the first three steps of AA/Al-Anon is about taking things one at a time. The instructions for the first three steps are to find a notebook, write down the steps, find a dictionary definition for each of the major words, then write about what the word meant to you before and what it means to you now. I'll tell you what, take a sentence, any sentence, and break down the definitions and what they mean to you, and you'll learn a HELL of a lot about yourself. I finished the first step a couple weeks ago and I was floored. I had so much trouble with the word "over". It's a freaking preposition, a tiny little word, but it had a lot of definitions and I struggled to say exactly what it meant to me. What I finally realized was that growing up, I always associated it with endings - "the play is over, the friendship is over, grade school is over." Now I see it more in terms of a journey and a sharing - "turning my will and life over to God" "starting over" and "going/coming over". It's about communication and being in relationship with others, and about beginnings that arise from endings.
That's just one example. Some of the reflections have been surprises, some have been things I've known and am in Al-Anon to hopefully overcome/change, such as my idea of "believe". Believe means to have trust and confidence, to find value and validity, etc., which are all things I struggle with. I don't believe in a lot of things that I want to believe in. Hopefully one day I will.
I'm blessed to have a number of amazing friends who have been and continue to be supportive of this journey in Al-Anon I'm taking. I know it will continue to improve my friendships and relationships, and I'm looking forward to watching those changes happen. I have to continue having patience though. I'm starting to be ready to be interested in dating again, but I know I'm not quite ready. It's challenging because there are a couple different people I would be interested in seeing where things might go in that respect, but I also know I can't force it, can't rush it, and don't want to because that's never worked for me before. I'm only 27 years old. I can be patient and let the journey and the process take the time it needs. I want to wait for the right person, and I want to be ready for that next right relationship. I have screwed up friendships and romantic relationships in the past with my character defects, but the time for damage prevention is here. As much as I can try not to hurt others I will. I know I can't be perfect and hurt, pain, sadness are part of life. But as much as I can try to avoid intentionally hurting others the better.
So that's the update for now. Thanks for listening. Time for me to enjoy this beautiful summer day!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"Forgive, Be Forgiven, Move on in Love"
Tonight, I heard Fr. Jim Hurlburt of St. Alphonsus Church in Chicago speak on forgiveness and love as a precursor to the upcoming season of Lent. One thing I love about the Charis Ministries speaker series is how the topics are so timely, somewhat familiar, and yet always refreshing, engaging, and challenging.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
One thing Fr. Jim said most of us were incapable of experiencing unconditional love completely. He says "The true nature of love is only known by experiencing it, but we can't initiate love, we can only respond to and try to imitate it." Most of us will only know partial love, no matter how hard we try, because as humans we will always set conditions, even unconscious ones. Only God and Christ truly understands what "unconditional" love truly is. I relate to this idea on so many levels. I have yet to understand what "unconditional" really means, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to know and love unconditionally. I guess unconditional means acceptance and the realization that I can't control the other person or control anything outside of my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. So if I "love someone unconditionally" I guess it means I accept them as they are. This doesn't mean I'll perfectly accept them 100% all the time, it just means that overall, I will always fall back on the "I love and accept who you are, as you are, even if I don't like or agree with everything you do or say or represent."
I have yet to fully process all of what this talk meant to me, but I made notes about the different questions I'll be reflecting on throughout Lent. It's amazing to me how much of it is rooted in Ignatian spirituality, AND how much of it I come across in the Al-Anon program I recently started working. I've been blessed with an ability to let go of grudges in a lot of ways, and I don't hold onto a lot of hurt and anger (though I'm not perfect and definitely do hold onto things sometimes). But the relationship between love and forgiveness that Fr. Jim spoke of tonight was something I hadn't realized in quite the same way, despite all my years of retreats, reflections, and built up self-awareness. I will likely continue reflecting on these topics as I start working my Al-Anon steps in the next couple months. For now I'm just grateful for a new way of looking at love and forgiveness.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Spirit @ Work Within
Last November I participated in a retreat called "The Spirit@Work Within" presented by Charis Ministries in Chicago. It was a day-long retreat held at Loyola University Chicago's lakeshore campus with almost 50 people in their 20s and 30s. As one of the retreat team members, I was responsible for writing and giving a witness talk based on one of the retreat themes.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
I had last given a retreat talk four years prior as a senior at Marquette University for the Freshman 2-Day retreat. Our theme for that particular retreat was "There's No Place Like Home" and finding a home at college. My fellow retreat team members gave talks on finding home with God, ourselves, and others. As the final speaker, my talk was focused on bringing all those themes together into one final "Home" talk. I remember spending a long time thinking about, praying about, and writing that retreat talk... a practice I repeated this year in writing my "Spirit@Work" talk. Ironically (or maybe not ironic but perhaps God-inspired), I was the final talk in both retreats. For the Spirit@Work retreat, our three talks centered on finding and using our gifts in 1) the past, 2) the present, and 3) the future. I appreciate having the experiences and self-awareness/self-reflection to give talks that summarize the retreat's themes and help people going forward.
For the Frosh 2-Day retreat, I spent a lot of time talking about how difficult my freshman year was. It was a year of major change and transition - my relationship with my mother was strained going into college, 9/11 was three weeks into my first semester, my uncle passed away unexpectedly during winter break, I dealt directly with friends acknowledging homosexuality and a friend who had been raped, did not have many friends, gained the freshman 20 pounds, wasn't involved in any activities, etc. Looking back, it's interesting to me how I even became the person I was that year - it's completely unlike anyone I had been prior and anyone I've been since. However, my freshman year taught me a number of very important lessons and helped me grow in countless ways I think I'm still experiencing. The lesson about "home" I was able to share was twofold - 1) an appreciation for my good friend Ryan who through his consistent presence and support that year helped me find my way out of the funk (finding "home" in friendship), and 2) the ability to identify what I needed to do to make my sophomore year (and consequently the rest of my college career) much better (being able to find "home" at Marquette through friends, involvement in service and church-related activities, and more).
The Spirit@Work retreat inspired a similar story, this time based on my journey towards finding my identity AND towards finding a career. The theme of my talk ended up being "Living a Life Testifying to God's Love." I shared how my gifts of creativity, hospitality, and self-awareness have been discovered over time (through my jobs, through comments by friends and family members, through reflection on the activities and people who have brought me peace and joy). Realizing how much I enjoyed working with children and remembering how strongly I've wanted to be involved in the arts, plus my interest in psychology and counseling, all led me to pursue grad school and a career in Art Therapy. However, sharing our gifts is not only a career goal... it is a life goal. And I've found that I'm able to share my gifts in a number of general life ways - from my work as a barista at Starbucks to my art and psychology classes and in all my relationships. I'm not perfect and I struggle with recognizing and remembering my gifts when I experience challenges and roadblocks. However, I've found a foundation in love and through faith I keep this desire to love and share love at the root of all I am and all I do.
Loving Detachment
My faith is such that the concept of "fate" to me does not mean this cosmic plan I have no control over. To me, "fate" is more aligned to "God moments" - those moments when it seems the universe waited and conspired to make something happen at a given time because it was the RIGHT time.
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
Attempting to start a blog post entitled "Loving Detachment" in March 2009 but never actually writing anything until today to me is a truly inspired God Moment. Last March, I was attempting to understand and live loving detachment, mostly with the ex-boyfriend I mentioned in my previous post, and also with my mother, and with some friends. Loving detachment is a theme often found in 12-step recovery programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. As a child of a recovering alcoholic, I had heard the term before, but until last year had never really understood what it meant or how to live it out. For those of us with codependent and enabling behaviors, it's often hard to think about letting other people make mistakes and live their lives when we of course "know better" and want to try and "help" (i.e. "fix") them. We want to try and control their decisions by giving "advice" or sharing "thoughts" with them. However, Loving Detachment means we still love and support our friends and family members who may be acting or speaking in ways we might not think healthy while keeping our mouths shut and taking big steps back. We have to learn to let others learn their lessons. We can only focus on our own thoughts, our own behaviors, our own choices. Often when we're so focused on the person we're trying to "help", we're denying ourselves love and attention.
I started finally listening to this wisdom and putting loving detachment into practice last spring, but it took until October when I joined Al-Anon for me to really push through the last of the barriers. I am now in a place where I practice it actively. I am truly focused on my own journey. I am responsibly selfish which allows me to be selfless when I need to be without losing myself in the process. I think more clearly, feel more honestly, and respond more thoughtfully, carefully, and lovingly to different people and situations in my life. I have also put distance between me and my ex-boyfriend, and continue to work on setting and keeping boundaries with my mother, at work, and with friends I have previously exhibited controlling behaviors with. It's an ongoing process, but I have tools and a support system to help keep me on track. It is not easy and I'm sure I'll go backwards even while I move forward. However, I am thrilled to have found a happy and healthy peace and balance, a foundation that keeps me sane even when things get a little nutty in my life. :)
5 Stages of Grief - a year later
In checking on my list of blog posts, I noticed a number of them had never been finished, and some of them needed to be! This one was begun in February of last year, in the midst of a heartbreaking time in my life. I had ended a really important long-term relationship with a man I had hoped and expected to marry in August 2008. Getting through the holidays was really rough, and January/February ended up being extremely low months for me. I'd experienced depression before, my freshman year of college. At that time, I felt isolated, lonely, bored, had low self-esteem, and didn't have any foundation or support. This time around, while I was experiencing grief the likes of which I hope I only ever experience again when my parents pass away, I also had more of my shit together. While the pain was at times unbearable, I had my faith, I had good friends, and I had activities that kept me going. I was participating in what's known as the 19th Annotation Retreat, or the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life. St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote the Spiritual Exercises when he founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuit) order. It was intended to be a 30-day retreat, but the 19th Annotation stated the retreat could be done in the course of one's daily life because not everyone can take a month off to do a retreat. While this is a sad reality, it is a blessing to know the retreat is adaptable. I strongly believe that going through this retreat, which works it's way through five major themes (Love, Forgiveness, Surrender, Birth, and Freedom), helped me work through the stages of grief listed below in a healthy and natural progression. Before I go any further, I'll share the start of last year's journal entry:
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
"I was watching an old episode of "Joan of Arcadia" the other day. The mother, Helen (played by Mary Steenburgen) was told to read "On Death and Dying" about the 5 stages of grief as a way to deal with her emotions about her oldest son's paralysis. I couldn't remember what all 5 stages were, so I Googled it on my Blackberry. It really made me stop and think, because so often in life we experience these stages and we don't even realize it. Sure they're present in the big life changes - a death or serious illness - but they are also present in small ways: a break-up, a job change, a move to a new city, the ending of a friendship, even the changing relationships between parents and children as children become adults."
As I discovered when I did that Google search, the five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sadness is not an official one, but permeates the various stages. I think sadness is the supreme underlying emotion to grief, and I know sadness was the lingering feeling I spent months overcoming. I went through the anger stage, not really at God or even at my ex-boyfriend, but more just anger at the situation. I was so angry and hurt and upset the circumstances had been what they were and the situation had had to end the way it did. I wished more than anything in my heart ever that things could've worked out for us. I think that deep-seeded desire caused me to do some bargaining with God, though I'm not sure I ever blatantly expressed the strong "you give me this and I'll do anything for you" deal-making offer that so many people express (especially when dealing with a serious illness). Maybe somewhere deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be, as much as my heart so desperately wanted it. Perhaps I accepted, in some small way even back in the deepest depths of grief, the situation as it was and knew I couldn't have done anything differently and wouldn't compromise my values and needs for this one thing to change or work out.
Anyway, it's been 18 months since our break-up and nearly a year since I started this entry on the 5 Stages of Grief. He's had two relationships while I've had none. He hasn't really grown up or figured out himself (though perhaps he's started or had small moments of change and growth), while I've grown and changed in some pretty drastic ways. I'm happy, healthy, and perhaps FINALLY fully in the acceptance stage. It was such an important relationship and my feelings for him and our potential future so strong, that occasionally it still twinges to think back on our happy moments and remember how much we loved each other. I'm so grateful to have had the experience of love like we had, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the lessons I've learned about myself I might not ever have learned had we not separated. I love who I am and where I am right now. I think my journey is proof that the 5 Stages of Grief really exist, and that working through all phases is healthy.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Language of Letting Go
There's a great book by Melodie Beattie called The Language of Letting Go which is a series of daily meditations for those who have been in recovery, or who, like me, are familiar with recovery from substance abuse/dependence. The meditations cover a number of topics including anger, fear, detachment, family issues, confidence, self-love, and more. Like any daily meditation, sometimes one fits for the day and sometimes it doesn't.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
While it is not on the list of "conference-approved" AA or Al-Anon literature, I've found some of the reflections to be more personal, more heartfelt, and more applicable to me than other daily reading books I've found. Occasionally I'll probably share some thoughts and insights from the book, but for now I just wanted to put it out there as a resource for people who are interested in daily reflections. Even if you are not or do not have affiliation with addiction (or anyone with one), there are still great reads for ALL of us... because we all share many of the same character defects and need the same inspiration and reminders.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Honesty
Honesty is one of those fascinating concepts. We think telling the truth is important, and is always the best policy (or at least usually, though some would beg to differ thinking that honesty that hurts people might not always be the best thing). Honesty is often easy when it deals with other people and their actions, but it is often much harder to be honest with ourselves and ABOUT ourselves.
I'm discovering this most in relationships with other people - friendships and romance to be exact. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there and acknowledge feelings for another person, especially romantic feelings. It's also hard to know how honest to be with friends. How much should you tell them what you think of their actions and behaviors and choices and words etc? I guess a good rule of thumb is to stick to facts. But when it comes to feelings (especially romance) it's hard to know what's fact and what's just interpretation of emotion. Interpretation of personal feelings is where we get into trouble.
This is a short post, because I don't have any answers regarding honesty and truth and what the appropriate actions or rule of thumb really is or should be. But I am open to other people's ideas...
I'm discovering this most in relationships with other people - friendships and romance to be exact. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there and acknowledge feelings for another person, especially romantic feelings. It's also hard to know how honest to be with friends. How much should you tell them what you think of their actions and behaviors and choices and words etc? I guess a good rule of thumb is to stick to facts. But when it comes to feelings (especially romance) it's hard to know what's fact and what's just interpretation of emotion. Interpretation of personal feelings is where we get into trouble.
This is a short post, because I don't have any answers regarding honesty and truth and what the appropriate actions or rule of thumb really is or should be. But I am open to other people's ideas...
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
5 Moments and Claiming the Good
One of the best things about Netflix is the Instant Watch capability, and the fact that all four seasons of LOST are on Instant Watch. This means that on any given day, whether I'm trying to muddle my way through Abnormal Psychology, exercising on the elliptical, or taking notes on Child Development, I can re-watch my favorite episodes in rapid order without waiting a week between episodes during the regular season. :)
I just finished Season 3 of LOST, and one of the last episodes involves Charlie, the former heroin addict who falls in love with the pregnant girl Clare and her born-on-the-island son Aaron. He ends up sacrificing his life to help his fellow survivors get rescued. Towards the end, before he embarks on his dangerous mission, he writes a note to Clare that includes the "5 Best Moments" of his life, his "greatest hits." I was thinking about that after watching the episode, wondering what my top 5 would be during this first 26.5 years of my life.
I couldn't think of any. Or at least I couldn't come up with five.
I guess some things that pop into my head are...
-The day I realized how at home I was at Cabrini Academy and how much I truly loved those kids.
-The day I received the "Most Spirited E'gal" award during my junior year of high school, because it made me feel as though my fellow JV dance team members truly appreciated all the behind-the-scenes encouragement and support I gave, even if it wasn't always reciprocated.
-The day I called my mom, who was in Kentucky visiting with my aunts for the Kentucky Derby, and I was unabashedly in love and was able to be giddy girly with them.
-The day my grandma gave me my graduation quilt, and I had a memory of all my Colton family members and how much they loved me.
-My first Tuesday Night Mass at Joan of Arc chapel on Marquette's campus.... still get chills remembering how powerful it was.
Okay, so maybe I do have a few. It was hard to come up with them - do you think of the five days you were the happiest? the five moments that are the most memorable, the most exciting, the most freeing? Do you remember the five times when you felt at home, at peace, that all was right with the world? Were they moments that were great in themselves or moments that were great because of the circumstances and events that preceeded and succeeded from them?
Just something to think about...
One other thing, as I continue this excruciating journey of self-discovery and self-awareness (I feel like I'm a recovering addict, but I guess codepdency comes in all forms, not just substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. - sometimes we all have a bit of dysfunctional or codependent thinking, and I for one have probably lived with it for years). My friend Dominic made a great point to me tonight, and while I've heard it from many people at many times (especially over the past couple years)... I'm too hard on myself, I think too much/overanalyze too much, and I allow my happiness to be too dependent on what other people think of me (and how others are feeling). I have to learn to feel for myself, to be happy for ME because I'm ME and on MY OWN, and I have to not get so caught up in my relationships with other people. He's right, and I appreciated it, but it's so hard. I've spent nearly 27 years focused on pleasing others and wanting other people to like me, and I've never really learned to like myself. I'm not really sure how.
Audrey, my beloved roommate, has told me that while it's hard, I'm not in a bad place. I can function, and I have a healthy self-awareness. I have to learn to claim my successes, to identify and claim my joys, and to rejoice in who I am and who God made me to be.
This is so much harder said than done, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. But I keep revisiting the idea of Al-Anon and seeing a counselor... tomorrow is a me-day, so perhaps I'll initiate both of those tomorrow.
Until then, I'll keep in prayer my journey to re-claim ME. JUST ME. Unconditionally loved by God, friends, and family. ME.
Have a great night!
I just finished Season 3 of LOST, and one of the last episodes involves Charlie, the former heroin addict who falls in love with the pregnant girl Clare and her born-on-the-island son Aaron. He ends up sacrificing his life to help his fellow survivors get rescued. Towards the end, before he embarks on his dangerous mission, he writes a note to Clare that includes the "5 Best Moments" of his life, his "greatest hits." I was thinking about that after watching the episode, wondering what my top 5 would be during this first 26.5 years of my life.
I couldn't think of any. Or at least I couldn't come up with five.
I guess some things that pop into my head are...
-The day I realized how at home I was at Cabrini Academy and how much I truly loved those kids.
-The day I received the "Most Spirited E'gal" award during my junior year of high school, because it made me feel as though my fellow JV dance team members truly appreciated all the behind-the-scenes encouragement and support I gave, even if it wasn't always reciprocated.
-The day I called my mom, who was in Kentucky visiting with my aunts for the Kentucky Derby, and I was unabashedly in love and was able to be giddy girly with them.
-The day my grandma gave me my graduation quilt, and I had a memory of all my Colton family members and how much they loved me.
-My first Tuesday Night Mass at Joan of Arc chapel on Marquette's campus.... still get chills remembering how powerful it was.
Okay, so maybe I do have a few. It was hard to come up with them - do you think of the five days you were the happiest? the five moments that are the most memorable, the most exciting, the most freeing? Do you remember the five times when you felt at home, at peace, that all was right with the world? Were they moments that were great in themselves or moments that were great because of the circumstances and events that preceeded and succeeded from them?
Just something to think about...
One other thing, as I continue this excruciating journey of self-discovery and self-awareness (I feel like I'm a recovering addict, but I guess codepdency comes in all forms, not just substance abuse, eating disorders, etc. - sometimes we all have a bit of dysfunctional or codependent thinking, and I for one have probably lived with it for years). My friend Dominic made a great point to me tonight, and while I've heard it from many people at many times (especially over the past couple years)... I'm too hard on myself, I think too much/overanalyze too much, and I allow my happiness to be too dependent on what other people think of me (and how others are feeling). I have to learn to feel for myself, to be happy for ME because I'm ME and on MY OWN, and I have to not get so caught up in my relationships with other people. He's right, and I appreciated it, but it's so hard. I've spent nearly 27 years focused on pleasing others and wanting other people to like me, and I've never really learned to like myself. I'm not really sure how.
Audrey, my beloved roommate, has told me that while it's hard, I'm not in a bad place. I can function, and I have a healthy self-awareness. I have to learn to claim my successes, to identify and claim my joys, and to rejoice in who I am and who God made me to be.
This is so much harder said than done, and I'm honestly not sure where to start. But I keep revisiting the idea of Al-Anon and seeing a counselor... tomorrow is a me-day, so perhaps I'll initiate both of those tomorrow.
Until then, I'll keep in prayer my journey to re-claim ME. JUST ME. Unconditionally loved by God, friends, and family. ME.
Have a great night!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Starbucks, Art Class, and the Bears
It's football season again, which means another round of "Didja watch the Bears yesterday?" Mondays and Sunday afternoons spent catching a few minutes (or entire quarters) of a number of pigskin games. I love football season, but I'm not quite ready for it this year. Summer was not as weather-consistent as it has been previously, and it felt like it never really got fully WARM. I also only attended 2 baseball games (previous summers I'd attended 3-5) and I also didn't have ANY weddings! I'm not complaining about that - I was a bit burnt out on weddings and needed a break from them. Many of my married friends are now in the baby-making stage, so I've had a number of new little "nieces" and "nephews" to visit and hang out with. Among them are Dan and Mal's son Jacob (Pudgy Bear), the Gaffeys' boy Mikey (my official favorite baby ever), Steph and Brian's second kid John Paul (a most adorable little brother to my first and favorite niece Kayla), our softball team's good luck charm Joey Berke, and a number of others I know about but haven't necessarily met.
Summer also wasn't the same because I didn't have a big vacation, I didn't go camping, and I didn't really do much of the outdoorsy activities that I had the previous few summers (mainly because this summer I lacked a significant other with whom I used to do a lot of that!) I also moved, into a sweet and spacious 2-bedroom apartment with my dear friend Audrey, with whom I absolutely adore living and rooming. She and I have such a great system of communication, chore-sharing, bill-paying, cleaning, etc. We also are both religious and artistic, enjoy the company of large groups of friends, small groups of friends, or just by ourselves (individually or just roomie-time). There's also the small matter of her "puddle of cuddle" cat Mosey who couldn't be happier having her mom and "aunt" Bri sitting on the couch so she can come flop and sprawl between us. I had forgotten how much I love living with a cat. :)
Summer was interesting because it was a time of transition. I began the summer still dealing with a number of personal issues, mainly related to the job I still had and the relationship I had let go of last summer. It's been a year of self-exploration, through prayer, through conversation, through mainly healthy processing and grieving. I finally reached a point where I could move on from both - 1) I started school and a new part-time job at Starbucks this fall, which took care of any frustration or depression related to the development job I had previously held; and 2) After a retreat at the end of August, I finally let go of some anger towards God regarding the ending of the relationship, continued to realize some things about myself I needed to work on, and was able to say the one thing to my ex I needed to say in order to feel like I said everything I could say (mainly that I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him... it's a long story, but I absolutely needed him to know that, and I think that's all he could and is able to hear from me about it at this point).
So what's new for the fall, besides the new Bears' quarterback and the unquenchable disgust that Favre is playing for the Vikings? Semester #1 of pre-requesites for the Masters in Art Therapy I hope to pursue seems to be going well. Child psychology is enlightening, abnormal psychology is fascinating, and art class is going much better than I anticipated! I'm actually good at it! Which I realized I would be this summer, but it's fun to have it confirmed in an academic setting. I can't wait to take a painting class. I have 5 more art classes to take after this, and I think I'll be taking another drawing class, hopefully 2 painting classes, probably a ceramics class, and maybe a commercial art-type class (to refresh my memory/skills in that area, especially if working on computers in art therapy ever becomes an option). I need to meet with an adviser at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and determine what they recommend. I have 2 more psych classes left as well - personalities and research (and maybe a third, an adult life-span class, maybe). All of this in 4 semesters (spring, summer, fall, spring). I can do it :-)
I feel I could and should share some of the things I've learned about myself this past year, and someday I will. Things about my past and how I'm realizing they've influenced me (especially in relationships and friendships), things about my own personality that have changed, especially over the past year (such as how I process things, and where I get my energy), and some definite changes in how God and I relate. :) It'll be a fun story to share one of these days. For now, I'll just say that I'm really happy and relatively at peace. I know I'll continue to struggle some days, because that's who I am, but I feel more confident and competent than I did a year ago. :) It's very exciting.
Time for bed before my third 5am shift this week!
Hugs and Blessings - Briana
Summer also wasn't the same because I didn't have a big vacation, I didn't go camping, and I didn't really do much of the outdoorsy activities that I had the previous few summers (mainly because this summer I lacked a significant other with whom I used to do a lot of that!) I also moved, into a sweet and spacious 2-bedroom apartment with my dear friend Audrey, with whom I absolutely adore living and rooming. She and I have such a great system of communication, chore-sharing, bill-paying, cleaning, etc. We also are both religious and artistic, enjoy the company of large groups of friends, small groups of friends, or just by ourselves (individually or just roomie-time). There's also the small matter of her "puddle of cuddle" cat Mosey who couldn't be happier having her mom and "aunt" Bri sitting on the couch so she can come flop and sprawl between us. I had forgotten how much I love living with a cat. :)
Summer was interesting because it was a time of transition. I began the summer still dealing with a number of personal issues, mainly related to the job I still had and the relationship I had let go of last summer. It's been a year of self-exploration, through prayer, through conversation, through mainly healthy processing and grieving. I finally reached a point where I could move on from both - 1) I started school and a new part-time job at Starbucks this fall, which took care of any frustration or depression related to the development job I had previously held; and 2) After a retreat at the end of August, I finally let go of some anger towards God regarding the ending of the relationship, continued to realize some things about myself I needed to work on, and was able to say the one thing to my ex I needed to say in order to feel like I said everything I could say (mainly that I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him... it's a long story, but I absolutely needed him to know that, and I think that's all he could and is able to hear from me about it at this point).
So what's new for the fall, besides the new Bears' quarterback and the unquenchable disgust that Favre is playing for the Vikings? Semester #1 of pre-requesites for the Masters in Art Therapy I hope to pursue seems to be going well. Child psychology is enlightening, abnormal psychology is fascinating, and art class is going much better than I anticipated! I'm actually good at it! Which I realized I would be this summer, but it's fun to have it confirmed in an academic setting. I can't wait to take a painting class. I have 5 more art classes to take after this, and I think I'll be taking another drawing class, hopefully 2 painting classes, probably a ceramics class, and maybe a commercial art-type class (to refresh my memory/skills in that area, especially if working on computers in art therapy ever becomes an option). I need to meet with an adviser at the Adler School of Professional Psychology and determine what they recommend. I have 2 more psych classes left as well - personalities and research (and maybe a third, an adult life-span class, maybe). All of this in 4 semesters (spring, summer, fall, spring). I can do it :-)
I feel I could and should share some of the things I've learned about myself this past year, and someday I will. Things about my past and how I'm realizing they've influenced me (especially in relationships and friendships), things about my own personality that have changed, especially over the past year (such as how I process things, and where I get my energy), and some definite changes in how God and I relate. :) It'll be a fun story to share one of these days. For now, I'll just say that I'm really happy and relatively at peace. I know I'll continue to struggle some days, because that's who I am, but I feel more confident and competent than I did a year ago. :) It's very exciting.
Time for bed before my third 5am shift this week!
Hugs and Blessings - Briana
Thursday, August 06, 2009
TapTalk - Relationships
Here are some additional thoughts based on other questions more related to Christian living in relationships.
Intimacy and Faith in relationships...
"I heard a statistic that people are only truly able to maintain 2-4 close relationships at any given time (including a spouse/significant other) and that those who do are the happiest. Less than 2 and they’re lonely, more than 4 and the intimacy lessens. While that stat surprised me, it also made a lot of sense. This doesn’t mean you only try to have 4 friends, but it does lessen the pressure to be best friends with a dozen different people at any given time. I think God and faith help in that area. If you are open to giving and receiving graces in your relationships, you will find that people play certain roles in your lives and you theirs. By being present to those individuals in your life while you’re with them, you will experience joy and fellowship even if they don’t become or stay your closest friends. I’ve found the people I can share my faith with become the people I can share more intimately with, and that is blessing. I think in romantic relationships faith is even more important. Being able to pray together, talk about what was heard/experienced at Mass, talking about faith issues, etc. are all necessary parts of growing as a Catholic couple. But there has to be openness and an ability to work through spiritual “dry spells” together too."
Do opposites attract...
"I think in some ways yes and some ways no. I think we are attracted to people who have similar values and interests, but who are different enough to still be interesting. I think some couples are complete opposites and able to work together great, but some couples who are total opposites clash too strongly and don’t know how to compromise. I think some of the key components of healthy relationships are 1) communication, 2) willingness to compromise, 3) strong self-confidence/self-esteem, 4) openness to learning and understanding another’s point of view, 5) laughter and pure enjoyment of each other’s company, 6) romance and intimacy and chemistry. I think the physical is as important as the emotional, and I also think that being able to talk about faith even if your approaches to faith/religion are different is extremely important. I think it’s important to compromise but also important to stand up for yourself and not give in too much (or it could breed resentment or loss of self down the line). Know your deal-breakers, and be strong in them. I dated a man I thought I would marry (still think we could someday), but there were certain things that became dealbreakers and no matter how much I loved him I knew it would affect the relationship long-term. So unless those areas are worked on/worked out, they’ll always prevent a long-lasting and fully loving relationship. It is not easy, but in the long run is better for one’s health and spirit."
Intimacy and Faith in relationships...
"I heard a statistic that people are only truly able to maintain 2-4 close relationships at any given time (including a spouse/significant other) and that those who do are the happiest. Less than 2 and they’re lonely, more than 4 and the intimacy lessens. While that stat surprised me, it also made a lot of sense. This doesn’t mean you only try to have 4 friends, but it does lessen the pressure to be best friends with a dozen different people at any given time. I think God and faith help in that area. If you are open to giving and receiving graces in your relationships, you will find that people play certain roles in your lives and you theirs. By being present to those individuals in your life while you’re with them, you will experience joy and fellowship even if they don’t become or stay your closest friends. I’ve found the people I can share my faith with become the people I can share more intimately with, and that is blessing. I think in romantic relationships faith is even more important. Being able to pray together, talk about what was heard/experienced at Mass, talking about faith issues, etc. are all necessary parts of growing as a Catholic couple. But there has to be openness and an ability to work through spiritual “dry spells” together too."
Do opposites attract...
"I think in some ways yes and some ways no. I think we are attracted to people who have similar values and interests, but who are different enough to still be interesting. I think some couples are complete opposites and able to work together great, but some couples who are total opposites clash too strongly and don’t know how to compromise. I think some of the key components of healthy relationships are 1) communication, 2) willingness to compromise, 3) strong self-confidence/self-esteem, 4) openness to learning and understanding another’s point of view, 5) laughter and pure enjoyment of each other’s company, 6) romance and intimacy and chemistry. I think the physical is as important as the emotional, and I also think that being able to talk about faith even if your approaches to faith/religion are different is extremely important. I think it’s important to compromise but also important to stand up for yourself and not give in too much (or it could breed resentment or loss of self down the line). Know your deal-breakers, and be strong in them. I dated a man I thought I would marry (still think we could someday), but there were certain things that became dealbreakers and no matter how much I loved him I knew it would affect the relationship long-term. So unless those areas are worked on/worked out, they’ll always prevent a long-lasting and fully loving relationship. It is not easy, but in the long run is better for one’s health and spirit."
Theology on Tap Reflections
The Archdiocese of Chicago's Office of Young Adult Ministry launched TapTalk this summer - a blog dedicated to reflections on Theology-on-Tap presentations and topics. Occasionally I'll read through and comment on some of the reflection questions, and I decided to share some of those thoughts here too.
Being a Christian...
"Being a Christian impacts my daily life in a lot of ways. Being Christian has given me the ability to identify my own gifts, give thanks for them, and search for the ways to use them in a way that is pleasing to God. It also affects my attitude towards people – a greater patience, an ability to let go, and understanding of differences, kindness, generosity, and simple living are all characteristics I seek to embody that have a basis in my Christian Catholic faith."
Living the Gospel...
"Living the Gospel means living as Jesus lived. As we seek to understand his ministry, we come to learn how his ministry relates to our lives and the ways we are called to live and to love. Living the Gospel means being aware and taking action – for social justice, for our own spiritual development, for love, etc. It means accepting and owning our fears but working with Christ to surrender the fears so we can do what God the Father is calling us to."
The Catholic Mass...
"I have come to really enjoy and appreciate Mass. Having experienced Mass in many different cities across the world, it is always a peaceful homecoming to realize that no matter the language or tradition, the core of the Mass, the Eucharist, never changes. The Liturgy of the Eucharist, in action, is constant. It is a reminder that we belong to this community, a reminder of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, and a reminder of the years and richness of our Catholic heritage and tradition. While I’ve come to enjoy the readings and homilies more over the years, as I’ve learned to try and listen better, on the days when I just can’t concentrate or don’t get anything out of the readings, I always know the Eucharist will make sense."
Meaning of the Eucharist...
"The other question the Eucharist being about a community meal versus Christ’s sacrifice hit me in particular this year. At this year’s Holy Thursday service, I felt for the first time a strong sense of the sacrifice of Christ above and beyond the meal. I have continued to reflect on that sacrifice and praying that I may be made worthy of the sacrifice and that I may act in such a way that his sacrifice for me and others would not be in vain."
Relationship with Jesus...
"I don’t know when Jesus was first introduced to me or how he was described (though I imagine it was probably in Kindergarten or Sunday School when I was little). However, the first time I remember ever picturing Jesus on my own was in 4th grade during Catholic Schools Week. We had an in-school “Retreat” day and I remember one of the “Sessions” involved lying on the floor in a darkened classroom with our eyes closed. Soft music was playing (or ocean sounds) and someone did a guided meditation on the “Footprints” poem. It was the first time Jesus has seemed like a real FRIEND walking side-by-side with me. That image and notion of Jesus has stayed with me ever since then, and that’s how I describe my relationship with him to others. Jesus is a friend and confidant who listens, understands, sympathizes, challenges when necessary, supports, and guides. He’s a constant source of strength and support and encouragement, even when things look really low. When God seems far away, Jesus is always there. That’s why the Eucharist also means so much to me. It’s a concrete and regular example of that friendship and that constant presence in my life."
Being a Christian...
"Being a Christian impacts my daily life in a lot of ways. Being Christian has given me the ability to identify my own gifts, give thanks for them, and search for the ways to use them in a way that is pleasing to God. It also affects my attitude towards people – a greater patience, an ability to let go, and understanding of differences, kindness, generosity, and simple living are all characteristics I seek to embody that have a basis in my Christian Catholic faith."
Living the Gospel...
"Living the Gospel means living as Jesus lived. As we seek to understand his ministry, we come to learn how his ministry relates to our lives and the ways we are called to live and to love. Living the Gospel means being aware and taking action – for social justice, for our own spiritual development, for love, etc. It means accepting and owning our fears but working with Christ to surrender the fears so we can do what God the Father is calling us to."
The Catholic Mass...
"I have come to really enjoy and appreciate Mass. Having experienced Mass in many different cities across the world, it is always a peaceful homecoming to realize that no matter the language or tradition, the core of the Mass, the Eucharist, never changes. The Liturgy of the Eucharist, in action, is constant. It is a reminder that we belong to this community, a reminder of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, and a reminder of the years and richness of our Catholic heritage and tradition. While I’ve come to enjoy the readings and homilies more over the years, as I’ve learned to try and listen better, on the days when I just can’t concentrate or don’t get anything out of the readings, I always know the Eucharist will make sense."
Meaning of the Eucharist...
"The other question the Eucharist being about a community meal versus Christ’s sacrifice hit me in particular this year. At this year’s Holy Thursday service, I felt for the first time a strong sense of the sacrifice of Christ above and beyond the meal. I have continued to reflect on that sacrifice and praying that I may be made worthy of the sacrifice and that I may act in such a way that his sacrifice for me and others would not be in vain."
Relationship with Jesus...
"I don’t know when Jesus was first introduced to me or how he was described (though I imagine it was probably in Kindergarten or Sunday School when I was little). However, the first time I remember ever picturing Jesus on my own was in 4th grade during Catholic Schools Week. We had an in-school “Retreat” day and I remember one of the “Sessions” involved lying on the floor in a darkened classroom with our eyes closed. Soft music was playing (or ocean sounds) and someone did a guided meditation on the “Footprints” poem. It was the first time Jesus has seemed like a real FRIEND walking side-by-side with me. That image and notion of Jesus has stayed with me ever since then, and that’s how I describe my relationship with him to others. Jesus is a friend and confidant who listens, understands, sympathizes, challenges when necessary, supports, and guides. He’s a constant source of strength and support and encouragement, even when things look really low. When God seems far away, Jesus is always there. That’s why the Eucharist also means so much to me. It’s a concrete and regular example of that friendship and that constant presence in my life."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Prayer Written By a Friend
Prayer for Strength to Do Justice (adapted from Psalm 104)
O Lord our God, you are honorable and majestic, surrounded by all good things.
You have stretched out the heavens to cover us,
set the sunbeams on the waters to warm us,
and blown sweet winds to refresh us.
When life feels shaky and everything is uncertain,
you stand by me.
You fill my life with hope.
You make water flow in the oceans,
filling up rivers and springs.
You even make mountains to stop the waters from covering all.
You give grass to the cattle,
sunlight to the trees, seeds for the birds.
Give me also all that I need.
Lord you know I think I need things, money and position,
Help me to see what is truly good:
share with me the provisions for life,
the intimacy of friends and family,
the strength to seek your good,
the power of your Holy Spirit.
When you send forth your Spirit, life is created.
You renew all things from the ground to the living creatures to the skies.
Our prayer is that all things bring you joy, God of love.
Make us part of your work.
Cleanse our hearts from sin into pure love,
Attune our energy to the needy crying out for mercy
Make our soul gentle and full of your justice,
Make our souls firm and full of your compassion.
When I have no answer, send me your wisdom.
For you came and walked with us, teaching, and healing and loving.
Do not stop now but remain with us, teach and heal and love.
Bless you, O, Lord
I will sing to you as long as I have breath
Praise you with all of my being.
Praise you, O, Lord
- Audrey Krumbach
O Lord our God, you are honorable and majestic, surrounded by all good things.
You have stretched out the heavens to cover us,
set the sunbeams on the waters to warm us,
and blown sweet winds to refresh us.
When life feels shaky and everything is uncertain,
you stand by me.
You fill my life with hope.
You make water flow in the oceans,
filling up rivers and springs.
You even make mountains to stop the waters from covering all.
You give grass to the cattle,
sunlight to the trees, seeds for the birds.
Give me also all that I need.
Lord you know I think I need things, money and position,
Help me to see what is truly good:
share with me the provisions for life,
the intimacy of friends and family,
the strength to seek your good,
the power of your Holy Spirit.
When you send forth your Spirit, life is created.
You renew all things from the ground to the living creatures to the skies.
Our prayer is that all things bring you joy, God of love.
Make us part of your work.
Cleanse our hearts from sin into pure love,
Attune our energy to the needy crying out for mercy
Make our soul gentle and full of your justice,
Make our souls firm and full of your compassion.
When I have no answer, send me your wisdom.
For you came and walked with us, teaching, and healing and loving.
Do not stop now but remain with us, teach and heal and love.
Bless you, O, Lord
I will sing to you as long as I have breath
Praise you with all of my being.
Praise you, O, Lord
- Audrey Krumbach
Monday, May 04, 2009
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” - I John 4:18
Back in October I wrote this post for another blog... Someone commented on it today so I had a chance to go back and re-read it. Wow. Definitely something I needed to hear and remind myself about again. Just one piece of this gigantic Twilight Zone puzzle I've been dealing with this past week. Hope you all enjoy it too.
POST:
I don’t know about many of you, but it is really easy to be scared these days. In a world where war is not just something happening between nations across the ocean but between neighbors down the street, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of hiding under the blanket with our headphones and books, blocking out the world. How do we live a life of love when all around us Wall Street crises threaten our financial security, the divorce rate is at least half the rate of those getting married in a given year, and over 67% of Americans in 2006 were unhappy in their job situation? These American statistics and events give a brief glimpse into many of the social issues plaguing our world. Living a life of love means living a life without fear, living a life fully dependent on God’s goodness and mercy, living with complete trust that God will provide and protect.
John’s letter continues to say that fear has to do with punishment, so one who fears is not perfect in love. John hits it right on the nose - we punish ourselves by being afraid. We paralyze ourselves, and don’t believe in our true goodness and our limitless potential. We do not trust that God can work miracles, move mountains, and do all manner of great things in and through us by his perfect love. But humans are flawed. We try to do so much on our own. We try to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the intelligent ones, and we try to do this all on our own. We do not understand that setting high expectations is good, but counting on ourselves alone to achieve them is only going to set us up for failure. By committing ourselves to follow in God’s footsteps, we will not fail. We will continually be working for his greater glory, whether there are setbacks or detours or a straight-arrow path!
I didn’t meant to get so philosophical. I am not the most up-to-date on current events, but I do come across questions and quotes like this that get me thinking about society and how people, especially young adults, live and think and interact. We’re all about questioning and searching - trying to identify our life’s ambition, trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives and where God fits in. If we weren’t seekers, we wouldn’t be God’s people, striving to live a life of love.
POST:
I don’t know about many of you, but it is really easy to be scared these days. In a world where war is not just something happening between nations across the ocean but between neighbors down the street, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of hiding under the blanket with our headphones and books, blocking out the world. How do we live a life of love when all around us Wall Street crises threaten our financial security, the divorce rate is at least half the rate of those getting married in a given year, and over 67% of Americans in 2006 were unhappy in their job situation? These American statistics and events give a brief glimpse into many of the social issues plaguing our world. Living a life of love means living a life without fear, living a life fully dependent on God’s goodness and mercy, living with complete trust that God will provide and protect.
John’s letter continues to say that fear has to do with punishment, so one who fears is not perfect in love. John hits it right on the nose - we punish ourselves by being afraid. We paralyze ourselves, and don’t believe in our true goodness and our limitless potential. We do not trust that God can work miracles, move mountains, and do all manner of great things in and through us by his perfect love. But humans are flawed. We try to do so much on our own. We try to be the strong ones, the brave ones, the intelligent ones, and we try to do this all on our own. We do not understand that setting high expectations is good, but counting on ourselves alone to achieve them is only going to set us up for failure. By committing ourselves to follow in God’s footsteps, we will not fail. We will continually be working for his greater glory, whether there are setbacks or detours or a straight-arrow path!
I didn’t meant to get so philosophical. I am not the most up-to-date on current events, but I do come across questions and quotes like this that get me thinking about society and how people, especially young adults, live and think and interact. We’re all about questioning and searching - trying to identify our life’s ambition, trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives and where God fits in. If we weren’t seekers, we wouldn’t be God’s people, striving to live a life of love.
Friday, February 20, 2009
ENFP/ENFJ + Aquarius = What?
In learning about Appreciative Inquiry at this week's Partners' Conference and also hearing a new perspective on Ignatian decision-making, I began to do a self-evaluation about myself. Personally and professionally, I have some distinct characteristics. They come from being born in the sign of the Aquarius (for you horoscope lovers), as a combination ENFP/ENFJ (my Myers-Briggs personality rating), and as a contemplative in action (Ignatian spirituality - part of the Catholic faith).
Here are some highlights:
1) One of the most apparent Aquarius personality traits is that of a humanitarian, a giver. They have a strong desire to serve in philanthropic and charitable endeavors. Their societal beliefs are very idealistic in the sense that they believe that one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind.
2) Emotional experiences and dealing with emotions themselves tends to be difficult for the Aquarius. This seemingly emotional detachment is what tends to make the Aquarian appear a bit cold and remote when it comes to deeply emotional experiences. It isn't that Aquarians are unemotional people in general, it just takes them awhile to really let people into their lives. Once they let their guard down, Aquarians are very passionate and loyal people. (The funny part about this is I also wear my heart on my sleeves, try to talk/communicate about feelings in an overly analytical way, and am not afraid to cry).
3) Aquarians do not like to be boxed-in. If an Aquarian feels like he or she is backed into a corner, the person committing this huge mistake will no doubt be on the receiving end of that Aquarian's temper, which can be explosive. (And yet the high expectations I tend to set also contribute to the holding-everything-in-until-I-explode style too).
4) The Aquarius personality is naturally a bit rebellious and non-conformist. People born under this sign are less than thrilled with the rigidity of typical "nine-to-five" work schedules so they often hold less conventional jobs in which the schedule varies. Better yet, they choose jobs that allow them the freedom to make their own schedules and march to their own drums. (One of the reasons I loved GVV so much - I had three different "jobs" that had a non-repetitive schedule).
5) Aquarians are extremely social people, but they also like their personal space. (DING DING DING) They are often at their best in social settings and work well with groups. Their need for personal time and space is a bit of a paradox for social butterfly Aquarians, but they find their balance between the two. However, finding that balance between the need to both be alone and be with people may be easier for Aquarians than it is for their partners, making it difficult to figure out if the water bearer is having a social or anti-social day. (Hm, definitely saw this in my previous relationship).
As for Myers-Briggs...
I’m an ENFP/ENFJ – extraverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving/judging (tied) – person.
1) As an ENFP, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me work on a variety of projects motivated by creative inspiration, lets me create new ideas or solutions to problems, is fun and challenging, rarely requires me to do handle the follow-through/routine details/maintenance of a system or project; lets me work at my own pace with a minimum of rules/structure and allows me to act spontaneously; lets me meet new people, learn new skills, and satisfy my curiosity; is consistent with my personal beliefs and lets me create opportunities that benefit others; is done in a friendly and relaxed environment with a minimum of interpersonal conflict; allows me the freedom to follow my inspirations and participate in exciting or intriguing adventures; is done in an environment that appreciates and rewards enthusiasm, integrity, and imagination.
As an ENFJ, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me establish and maintain warm and supportive interpersonal relationships with coworkers, clients, customers, etc.; lets me develop and establish creative solutions to problems on projects that I believe in and where I can see the positive results of my efforts for other people; is done in an environment where expectations are clear and personal/professional growth and development are encouraged; lets me be part of a team of other creative people I trust as well as being busy and productive; allows me time to develop creative solutions to problems and then share them with other supportive and caring people; is done in an active and challenging environment where I am able to juggle several projects at once; lets me use my organizational decision-making skills and have control/responsibility of my own projects; gives me a variety of activities but allows me to work in a relatively orderly and well-planned manner; is done in an environment that is free from interpersonal conflicts and ongoing tension; exposes me to new ideas and lets me explore new approaches, especially those that will improve the lives of other people.
2) Strengths of ENFP: innovative thinkers and problem solvers, able to combine their talents with interests and abilities of others, can find success in whatever interests them, are good at putting the right people into the right positions/tasks, motivate others with infectious enthusiasm.
Strengths of ENFJ: promote harmony, build cooperation, respect a variety of opinions, can be good public speakers and facilitate group discussions, decisive and organized, natural leaders
3) Weakness of ENFP: may not be well organized or good at setting priorities, have trouble following through on details of a project, may become bored or easily sidetracked, don’t usually enjoy anything repetitive or routine, usually less effective working alone.
Weakness of ENFJ: tend to idealize people, can make decisions too quickly, may have trouble dealing with conflict and sweep problems under the rug, may take criticism too personally, may not be attentive to factual accuracy.
In the area of Appreciative Inquiry, the focus is not on solving problems but on building up the strengths in an effective and energizing manner. What we focus on becomes our reality, but there are multiple realities. Keeping a part of the past is a necessary part of moving forward, but it's not good to dwell there. "When you do more of what works, the stuff that doesn't work goes away."
So what does all this mean? That's what's being worked out inside of me during this 19th Annotation Retreat. I don't know what the end result will be, but I have ideas, and I have hopes. Both of those, with the sun, let me know that spring is coming again. :)
Here are some highlights:
1) One of the most apparent Aquarius personality traits is that of a humanitarian, a giver. They have a strong desire to serve in philanthropic and charitable endeavors. Their societal beliefs are very idealistic in the sense that they believe that one of their main purposes in life is serving to benefit the greater good of mankind.
2) Emotional experiences and dealing with emotions themselves tends to be difficult for the Aquarius. This seemingly emotional detachment is what tends to make the Aquarian appear a bit cold and remote when it comes to deeply emotional experiences. It isn't that Aquarians are unemotional people in general, it just takes them awhile to really let people into their lives. Once they let their guard down, Aquarians are very passionate and loyal people. (The funny part about this is I also wear my heart on my sleeves, try to talk/communicate about feelings in an overly analytical way, and am not afraid to cry).
3) Aquarians do not like to be boxed-in. If an Aquarian feels like he or she is backed into a corner, the person committing this huge mistake will no doubt be on the receiving end of that Aquarian's temper, which can be explosive. (And yet the high expectations I tend to set also contribute to the holding-everything-in-until-I-explode style too).
4) The Aquarius personality is naturally a bit rebellious and non-conformist. People born under this sign are less than thrilled with the rigidity of typical "nine-to-five" work schedules so they often hold less conventional jobs in which the schedule varies. Better yet, they choose jobs that allow them the freedom to make their own schedules and march to their own drums. (One of the reasons I loved GVV so much - I had three different "jobs" that had a non-repetitive schedule).
5) Aquarians are extremely social people, but they also like their personal space. (DING DING DING) They are often at their best in social settings and work well with groups. Their need for personal time and space is a bit of a paradox for social butterfly Aquarians, but they find their balance between the two. However, finding that balance between the need to both be alone and be with people may be easier for Aquarians than it is for their partners, making it difficult to figure out if the water bearer is having a social or anti-social day. (Hm, definitely saw this in my previous relationship).
As for Myers-Briggs...
I’m an ENFP/ENFJ – extraverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving/judging (tied) – person.
1) As an ENFP, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me work on a variety of projects motivated by creative inspiration, lets me create new ideas or solutions to problems, is fun and challenging, rarely requires me to do handle the follow-through/routine details/maintenance of a system or project; lets me work at my own pace with a minimum of rules/structure and allows me to act spontaneously; lets me meet new people, learn new skills, and satisfy my curiosity; is consistent with my personal beliefs and lets me create opportunities that benefit others; is done in a friendly and relaxed environment with a minimum of interpersonal conflict; allows me the freedom to follow my inspirations and participate in exciting or intriguing adventures; is done in an environment that appreciates and rewards enthusiasm, integrity, and imagination.
As an ENFJ, career satisfaction means doing work that: lets me establish and maintain warm and supportive interpersonal relationships with coworkers, clients, customers, etc.; lets me develop and establish creative solutions to problems on projects that I believe in and where I can see the positive results of my efforts for other people; is done in an environment where expectations are clear and personal/professional growth and development are encouraged; lets me be part of a team of other creative people I trust as well as being busy and productive; allows me time to develop creative solutions to problems and then share them with other supportive and caring people; is done in an active and challenging environment where I am able to juggle several projects at once; lets me use my organizational decision-making skills and have control/responsibility of my own projects; gives me a variety of activities but allows me to work in a relatively orderly and well-planned manner; is done in an environment that is free from interpersonal conflicts and ongoing tension; exposes me to new ideas and lets me explore new approaches, especially those that will improve the lives of other people.
2) Strengths of ENFP: innovative thinkers and problem solvers, able to combine their talents with interests and abilities of others, can find success in whatever interests them, are good at putting the right people into the right positions/tasks, motivate others with infectious enthusiasm.
Strengths of ENFJ: promote harmony, build cooperation, respect a variety of opinions, can be good public speakers and facilitate group discussions, decisive and organized, natural leaders
3) Weakness of ENFP: may not be well organized or good at setting priorities, have trouble following through on details of a project, may become bored or easily sidetracked, don’t usually enjoy anything repetitive or routine, usually less effective working alone.
Weakness of ENFJ: tend to idealize people, can make decisions too quickly, may have trouble dealing with conflict and sweep problems under the rug, may take criticism too personally, may not be attentive to factual accuracy.
In the area of Appreciative Inquiry, the focus is not on solving problems but on building up the strengths in an effective and energizing manner. What we focus on becomes our reality, but there are multiple realities. Keeping a part of the past is a necessary part of moving forward, but it's not good to dwell there. "When you do more of what works, the stuff that doesn't work goes away."
So what does all this mean? That's what's being worked out inside of me during this 19th Annotation Retreat. I don't know what the end result will be, but I have ideas, and I have hopes. Both of those, with the sun, let me know that spring is coming again. :)
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